Wanting What's Wrong

Two years have passed since Sophie Miller escaped. Two years since she was One DIrections private possession. Trying to get her life back to normal, Sophie heads to Mullingar. The boys of One Direction find her and drag her back into their messed up lives. Feelings start showing here and there, making Sophie confused. Is it really okay to start having feelings towards your kidnappers? Afterall, there is a very thin line between love and hate...


39. Stockholm Syndrome

Shaking my head, I push the door open, only to be caught into a bear hug.

“Sophie oh my god I’m so sorry! I wasn’t thinking earlier and I just said what was on my mind without thinking like usual and I didn’t―”

“Niall you’re strangling me,” I manage to say. He loosens his grip, pulling backwards to look at me in the eyes.

“I am so sorry Sophie.” He says seriously before engulfing me into a hug again. “So, so, so sorry.” The blonde repeats, nuzzling in my neck.

“S’okay Niall.” I return his hug awkwardly.

“Why do you keep forgiving me, after all the things I put you through?” Niall mumbles.

“I owe you that because I think I’ve given you my share of emotional times. I’m just trying to get even with you. You’re the one who stood by me the longest after all. I think I’m even part of the cause you ended up in the hospital initially.” I chuckle softly.

 “No Soph I told you already I was hit by a car.” Niall denies.

“Weird I have difficulty realizing that… Maybe because you are currently hugging me when you should be resting in bed Horan,” I scold him.

“I’m perfectly fine… Miller.” He grimaces, clearly not liking the use of our family names. “I was with Louis a couple minutes ago and the medication seems to work. We talked about different things and we managed to get a few emotions out of me like frustration, happiness, nervousness, grief and jealousy. Pretty much all of them except arousal because yeah it’s Louis... Anyways they were all perfectly balanced.” Niall tells.

Jealousy hmm? Wonder about whom they talked about. Probably Harry. No correction, certainly Harry.

“Okay but Niall even if your psychological health is going the right way doesn’t mean your body is following at the same speed.” I try to reason, urging him to his bed. He doesn’t budge.

“Sophie I’m telling you I’m fine.” Niall protests. Boys… Always need to look tough when they aren’t.

“Not completely,” I prove my point by poking his ribs softly.

He winces, taking a small step away from my probing fingers.

“See? I just hurt you by barely touching you. Go lay on the bed Niall.”

“But I don’t want to. I want to go back home with you.” He whines.

“Will you stay here and go in your bed if I told you I brought you food?” I try, waving the brown bag in his face. His face literally lights up. “So? You’ll go and stay in bed if I give it to you?”

“It can help to keep me here a little longer yes.” The Irish boy admits.

“Then go in your bed.”

“You sound like my mom,” He groans, walking morosely to his bed. “I’m telling you I’m feeling great.” He continues as I follow behind him, rolling to my eyes. Boys.

Once he finally lies down, I sit on the bed next to him and pull out the contents of the bag, placing them on the bedside table. He picks up what he wants to eat and I imitate his action before we both start eating in silence. Niall is done eating in no time whereas I have difficulty swallowing, still conflicted about my quarrel with Harry.

“You’re worried about my state, but you should be worried about yours...” The blonde remarks after a couple minutes, eyeing me warily.

“I’m great... just thoughtful.” I say between small bites.

“You’re not okay Soph.” Niall says a matter-of-factly. “I know you well enough now, to recognize that you are not okay, just by the way you eat. I’m not gonna ask you to tell me, because last time didn’t end that well,” he trails on, “But you should talk to Zayn. He’s the one who’s the most likely to listen and try to help.”

“I don’t wanna talk though. There’s nothing to talk about.” I shrug.

“Who are you trying to convince? Me or you?” Niall cocks his eyebrow upward.

“I think both...Ugh what I need right now is sweetness. I need my cat and Padgett.” I huff, finishing up my food.

Niall makes an insulted sound. “And what do I serve for? Decoration? C’mere.” He opens his arms and I nestle into them without hesitation, carefully resting my head on his sore chest. I listen to his slightly accelerated heartbeat and chuckle.

“Am I making you nervous Nialler?”

“No,” he sighs noisily. “You’re making me scared.”

“And why is that,” I mumble.

“I’m scared I’ll lose control... I don’t wanna hurt you again and you’re just so close...” He leaves his sentence unfinished, kissing the top of my head before placing his chin over it and wrapping his arms around me. “I just love you sooo much Sophie... I don’t think I could live without you.” The Irish boy murmurs, his fingers tracing circles on my arms.

We stay silent for a few seconds, until Niall decides to speak again.

“You know our earlier argument about feelings?”

“Niall I don’t wanna―” He cuts me.

“I know you feel guilty for having emotions towards the boys and I and I thought about it a lot... What if you decided the cause for these feelings is the consequence of a disease? Would you feel less guilty and accept them more?”

“Niall why would you even ponder ‘what if’s’? Such a disease doesn’t exist.” I say sullenly, shutting my eyes.

“That’s where you’re wrong... I remember reading about it not that long ago when I was wondering if it was possible for a person to have feelings towards a person who kidnapped and raped them and other stuff. What you’re experiencing could easily be pulled of as Stockholm syndrome.” Niall informs.

It’s normal for me to feel for them because I have Stockholm syndrome? So I am sick? Is that what it is? Do I need to be treated? Or do I want to keep living like that?

“It’s up to you really because there are treatments that exist.”

Wait I said that out loud?

“Yes you did, again.” The blonde laughs.

“So what you’re saying is, it’s okay for me to let myself feel happy and comfortable around you?”

“Not quite. What I meant is that you can let go of the guilt that keeps haunting you if you blame your behaviour on the Stockholm syndrome.”

If I do that, I can stop pushing Niall and Harry away... I can stop fighting them. But fighting them is fun, until it gets too extreme like Harry earlier who menaced to hurt me again...

I look up at Niall, making sure I hadn’t said that out loud. He doesn’t seem to have heard. Good.

“So will you blame it on the Stockholm syndrome or keep living emotionally exhausting days by being eating by guilt regularly?” Niall asks, pushing a strand of hair behind my ear.

“When you say it like that, it certainly seems like a good idea to blame it all on the Stockholm syndrome...” I speak carefully.

“I think you’d live happier like that, but I’m leaving you the choice.”

I play with my fingers, thinking. There’s something fun though about being defiant... It’s a thrill that makes me feel alive.

“You still are allowed to be angry after us if we frustrate you love,” he chuckles. “You are a normal person after all. No I just want you to stop being scared to feel. That’s it. I don’t want to hear you complain about how wrong it is, because it wouldn’t be any more.”

That’s what I’ll do. I’ll stop thinking it’s wrong. It wouldn’t be, because I have Stockholm syndrome.

“That’s what I’ll do Niall. I’m blaming the disease.” I decide, turning around to look at him in the eyes as I do so.

He smiles, exposing his pearly whites.

“I wanna hear you say it.” The blonde exhales.

“I, Sophie Miller, have the Stockholm syndrome.” I say firmly. “Which means I can do this...” I continue, before kissing him heatedly.

He returns the kiss with just as much passion. I feel as light as a feather as I take in what I just said and did...It feels good to let go. Finally be free of that horrible guilt. Nothing to be guilty about anymore concerning wrong emotions...It’s all right.

My fingers tangle into Niall’s bleached hair as he helps me place myself so I am straddling his waist. He groans on my lips, his hand reaching behind my neck to bring me as close to him as possible. The Irish boy stops up for a second.

“How do you feel?” he whispers panting.

“Phenomeniall,” I smile, before joining our lips once more. This time, his tongue probes my lower lip for entrance, and I grant it. His calloused hands slide under my top, caressing my skin.

“I want you,” Niall whispers before latching his mouth on my neck. I shut my eyes and moan softly as his lips work wonders on my sensitive skin.

Someone clears their throat behind us and I rapidly get off Niall, my face flaming in the embarrassment of getting caught. I turn around to see a hurried mass of curls heading out the door.

Harry saw us making out and he left? Without doing anything?

I ponder the thought for a couple seconds, trying to comprehend how I felt about that. Honestly I think I couldn’t care less. He did say he wanted me to go with Niall the other night no? But he doesn’t know that I know that so he’ll pretend it’s not the case... I should tell him. This way, he’d leave me be with Niall without acting jealous.

Do you really want to be with Niall?

Harry doesn’t mind.

Sophie it doesn’t mean that because he said he wanted you with Niall, that he really wants that to happen. He just really cares for his mate’s mental sanity.

Niall wouldn’t be happy without me, but Harry has made a huge effort to change for me. He deserves a little consideration.

 “Having a mental debate with yourself?” Niall enquires, rubbing his neck awkwardly. I blink a couple times, before nestling into Niall’s arms, breathing his comforting scent.

“Yeah.” I sigh, shutting my eyes.

“Is it because you feel guilty?” The blonde asks, rubbing my arms soothingly. “Because Stock―”

“No. It’s because Harry saw us.”

Niall huffs, clearly annoyed.

“And? He’s seen us make out before no? Hell he even asked me to roughen you up in front of him the second day of your return with us... You shouldn’t be that disturbed. Really Harry should―”

I silence him, pressing my lips against him. I pull away slowly, locking my eyes with his.

“I know Niall. I know. But Harry’s clearly having problems controlling his emotions and actions.”

“He’ll be fine.”

“Niall I didn’t abandon you when you started... when you umm... started...” I have a lump in my throat as I try getting the word out. “You know when you started... cutting.” I say a little softly.

“S’not the same.” Niall shakes his head, looking down at his fingers. I intertwine them with mine.

“It kinda is.”

“You’re too nice for your own good.” He looks up at the ceiling in desperation. I shrug my shoulders, not knowing what to reply. “You should think about yourself once in awhile...” Niall continues.

“That’s what I’m doing right now no? Being with you...” I trail on, looking at his lips. “In the safety of your arms...” I continue, before latching our lips together in a tender kiss. I smile as he flips us around so he’s over me. We stare in each other’s eyes for a couple seconds.

“You know I’ll always be there for you right?” The blonde confides as our bodies stay close together. He kisses me again, before taking my face into his hands. “No matter what happens between you and Harry, or you and any of the other boys, I’ll always be there to dry your tears, give you a hug or whatever you need. You’ll always be able to count on me Sophie. I promise.” Niall says quietly, before dropping down for another gentle kiss. “I overheard you and Harry talk earlier... Something about you being too defiant would result into consequences?”


“You won’t be too rebellious right? You’ll be careful? I can’t exactly control Harry...” He frowns.

“But I want to fight back. It’s a newfound thrill of mine... I like being defiant.” I admit.

“But why fight back?”

“Probably to leave.”

“Why leave? You said you wouldn’t feel guilty.”

“It’s not because I feel guilty... it’s because... I don’t even know. I’d leave to make sure that you guys would keep wanting me by your side... Really I think I’d leave to be caught again, as twisted as this sounds.”

“You’re right; it does sound a little crazy.” He chuckles, before going down on my body, peppering it with kisses. “But I think it’s only a kink, so I guess it’s okay for it to sound abnormal.” He smiles on my stomach. “Plus I don’t think I’d let you leave...” He sighs. “I wish I could take you home right away and explore that little turn-on, as well as the one Louis informed us of that movie night.” The Irish boy admits as his hand slips under my shirt to caress one of my breasts.

Dr. Martins steps inside the room at that exact moment.

“Well well. Clearly you two have mended your earlier quarrel, but I have to stop you as we did say no sexual intercourse at a hospital and you two are well started...” He says as I quickly wriggle out of under Niall and back onto the chair beside the bed, glowing with embarrassment. “And on that note Mr. Horan you are free to go.” Dr Martins adds.

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