Wanting What's Wrong

Two years have passed since Sophie Miller escaped. Two years since she was One DIrections private possession. Trying to get her life back to normal, Sophie heads to Mullingar. The boys of One Direction find her and drag her back into their messed up lives. Feelings start showing here and there, making Sophie confused. Is it really okay to start having feelings towards your kidnappers? Afterall, there is a very thin line between love and hate...


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30. Painful

“Well... That was nice.” I speak softly, breaking the kiss. We stay immobile, our foreheads touching, our rushed breathing mingling. Seeing as I wasn’t gonna go for more just yet, Niall pulls back, a little deceived.

“See. The waterfall wasn’t that bad after all was it? Like a shower....” He says as he lets more space between our bodies. He tucks a strand of wet hair behind my ear.

“Right... And after some worked up make-out session, only you would return to the subject of the waterfall. ” I chuckle smiling, a little out of breath.

“Yeah and so...?” Niall carefully leans on the rock behind him, sighing. “Why would there be something wrong with talking about a waterfall? A perfectly normal, gorgeous and innocent waterfall deserves some awareness no?” He babbles rapidly.

I pull a face. Why all those adjectives?

“Niall can you just...Never mind.” I shake my head negatively and try letting go of him, but end up staying there as my tippy toes were only able to graze the platform on which he seemed to be standing on. Okay this is awkward. Fuck you shortness, you’re making this even more awkward. What I’d give to be an inch taller right now...

“Can you tell me how you found this place?” I question him quietly trying to break the unease of the situation, my hands now resting on his shoulders for support as I motion around us. “How did you find this little place hmm?”

“It happened a couple days before we took you back with us. The day before we went to get you at your school to be more precise. I needed to think, clear my head, and the boys just kept talking about the things they would do to you once they’d get their hands on you... So I ended up wandering aimlessly in the forest and I just fell on this place. The other boys don’t know it’s here.” He explains.

“How did you know the bay was deep enough for you to jump in?”

“I threw a rock in that day... A big one. I watched it sink down, and assumed the distance between the surface and the bottom was safe enough to jump in.” Niall explains.

“So you weren’t sure?!” I exclaim.

“Yes I was... I can estimate distance pretty well thank you. ”

I cast a skeptic look in his direction, but he shakes his head, making the water move around us.

“C’mon I wouldn’t kill myself in front of you... Especially not when I have such a wonderful life with a promising career and all...”

“I don’t know... You’re weird today.” I reply slowly.

 “And you’re questionny and you can’t help whinging, but you don’t see me calling you weird.” He shrugs, nervousness clear in his azure orbs. Something isn’t right here.

“Niall is something wr―?”

“Soph you should really learn to trust me more...” Niall remarks cutting me off.

Why is he dodging the subject of his situation?

I frown as he continues, “I wouldn’t do anything to put you purposefully in danger you know that right?” He mumbles, our eyes locked together. His entrancing gaze heads down to my lips, then back up to my eyes.

The atmosphere is silent, apart from the sound of running water.

Niall breaks it unexpectedly. “Soph... I never got your answer....You know, of the question I asked you on our first night back together... Do you have feelings for me?” Our closeness makes our breathing mingle and Niall doesn’t help my growing arousal as he wraps my legs around his body, holding me up like he’d done earlier. “Do you have any strong feelings?” He adds, his thumb carefully tracing my thigh from under the water. “A special pull maybe?” He trails on. “Please... Can you just tell me...?” He pleads after my silent reply.

“Niall I-I-I think I do bu-bu-but,” I stammer. “But I―”

“That’s all I need to hear for now...” He lets out a sigh of relief. “Kiss me again,” He whispers. “Please...I just have a feeling you’ll be leaving me soon...”

“Niall I won’t leave you...”

“Kiss me anyways... I love the feel of your lips on mine...” He persists quietly. “Please?” His eyes have an anxious look in them.

“Niall is something wrong?” I ask him worriedly. “Is there something you’re not telling me?”

“No...” he groans. “Please...I just need you to love me right now...”

“Niall, I―”

“You owe me this much.” His voice is dry, surprising me.

“What is wrong with you?” I push away from him but he catches my wrists, immobilizing me. “Niall!” I protest.

“I’m sorry Sophie....” His grip gets tighter, but his eyes fill with sadness and guilt.

“Niall you’re hurting me!” I plea, struggling to get him to let go of my wrists.

“Sophie... I did something bad.” He looks at me very seriously, his grip not faltering. “Something I shouldn’t have...”

“Niall you’re scaring me.” I say shakily. He loosens his grip a little. What was he talking about?

“These last few weeks were hard on me al’ight? But you need to understand Soph... That I’ll never hurt you.” He continues, emphasizing on the you. No... This doesn’t sound right at all.

“Niall... What is it?” I ask, voice shaking. He lets go of my arm, passing his hand through his hair once. My legs kick under me, trying to stay afloat. My feet unexpectedly find a rock to stand on.

“You remember the girls at your school? The ones who tormented you on that day when you promised Harry a date? They’re known as J RAGE or somethin’,” he looks around nervously, fondling with his fingers under the water.

“Yeah...” I look at him without understanding.

“Well on that precise day, they sparked my frustration. As the days went, frustration kept building up as they kept taunting me and the boys at school, continuously saying that you weren’t worth our time, attention and money and some shit like that. They said you were a whore Soph.” His eyes never meet mine as he continues talking. “It’s dwelling on these words, alone in my room... That I did something bad.”

“When...?” I question softly, horror creeping up on me as words kept pouring out of his mouth.

“Not long ago. At least I think it is. But I don’t remember. Because I don’t wanna remember. Because it’s painful! Because I know it’ll hurt you to know what I did and how I did it! Because I’m such a horrible person since then and things are just going for the worse. But I don’t regret what I did.” He stops, unsure. “No I don’t.” He persists to himself. “These girls deserved it. They had it coming. They needed to know what it felt like! I had to! The boys wouldn’t do it! So I did! And―”

I place my finger on his lips, silencing his insignificant rambling.

“Niall. What. Did. You. Do?” I question him, separating my words carefully.

He looks up at me for mere seconds, before looking back down. I brace myself for what he’s about to say. It can’t be that―

“I raped them.” He mumbles. Bad.

“You what?” I gasp. No... I heard wrong. This can’t be true. “Niall, you did what?”

“You heard me well the first time! Don’t make me repeat it! I raped the damn bitches! Treated them like they deserved to be treated!” He shouts. “They wanted to fuck. Well I fucked them! In the least pleasurable way! And then, I threatened each one of them to change school or else I’d find them and rape them again. And I also told them nobody would believe them if they told media or anybody that Niall Horan from One Direction raped them, because I made sure to use a condom every single time and I assured that they washed themselves thoroughly before I let them go, leaving no trace of mine behind.” The words gushed out of his mouth heartlessly.

I back away from the blonde, scared.

“Nobody deserves rape or abuse.” I shake my head, tears stinging at the thought. “And you left a trace. Psychologically.” I continue. “And it won’t be gone for a long, long time.”These poor girls...Jade, Rachel, Annaleigh, Gabrielle and Elle... They don’t deserve this. They’ll be traumatised of their own shadows for awhile...They won’t want anybody to even touch them. Niall what did you do?

It’s my fault, I realise. It’s my fault Niall is back in Mullingar. Guilt hit me like a train. “Niall why?” My voice is barely above a whisper. Barely hearable over the sound of the falling water behind me. I’m too stunned. No it’s not true. Not sweet, caring, soft and loving Niall. No. But his words ring true in my ears. It’d explain his earlier edginess.

“I wasn’t myself! Well yes I was... but not completely!” He continues, obviously trying to convince himself. “Look I was high that day and―”

“You were high? Meaning you took drugs?! Niall why?!”

“Soph I’m so sorry but―”

“Why Niall!?” I repeat, pushing him away angrily as he tries to wrap his arms around me. As I process the information again and again in my head, I feel like I’ve been stabbed in the heart. Niall why didn’t you tell me anything before?

“Sophie my control shattered!” He looks up at me, his cerulean eyes suddenly watery. “I just couldn’t stand it anymore! Nobody was talking to me, not even the boys, and I didn’t know what to do or how to react and all was just a fucked up mess in my head because of the drugs and―”

“Don’t blame the drugs. You have only yourself to blame. You’re the one who took them in the first place.” I say, before swimming under the fall and to the edge of the lagoon. Pulling myself out, I could hear Niall not far behind.

“Sophie wait!”

“Niall I don’t wanna talk to you right now.” I storm, walking up the hill by the side of the opening where the bay lay peacefully. Once I reach the place where I had jumped only a few minutes ago, I grab my clothes and put them on rapidly. Niall is beside me as soon as my shirt is over my head. He stops me as I’m about to walk back into the forest, the way we came in.

“Soph... I didn’t lose you forever did I?? Please, say you’ll forgive me one day! I won’t be able to live with myself if you don’t!” Niall babbles, eyes shining with unshed tears. “I already had difficulty feeding myself when you wouldn’t talk!” he persists, eyes wide with plea.

“I don’t know Niall...What you did can’t be taken lightly... I need time to think.” I reply, shrugging him off as tears sting my eyes. “And you didn’t come to talk to me either so it’s not my fault all of you assumed I needed to be alone.” I add, voice wavering as I walk around him to continue my way to the forest.

“Soph you’ll get lost.” Niall protests from behind me.

“I don’t care.” I say, voice breaking as I start walking our earlier trail. Tears start falling across my cheeks and I wipe them off in irritation. I was tired, confused, and angry at the same time.

“But I care.” Niall’s suddenly in front of me, dressed and bag slung his shoulder. “And it’ll take you forever to get to the house if you take that trail.”

“There is no other way to go!”

 “You’ll take the 5km route if you don’t follow me. Let’s just take the 5 minute one yeah?”

“You made us take a 5 km walk for nothing!?” I burst, more tears threatening to fall. I need a hug right now. I need comfort. I need support.

“No. We took the 5 km trail because I wanted to spend time with you. It wasn’t for nothing.” He mumbles as we start walking the other route.

After barely two minutes of walk, I could see that we were on the edge of the forest, near the field the boys owned. It’s almost as if earlier today, Niall had been making us walk in circles all along.

This time, when Niall offers to help me cross the large root near the entrance of the woods, I refuse.

“You sure you don’t need my help crossing Soph? The bark is slippery, your clothes are wet and it’s a little high if you fall.” He warns from the other side.

“I am sure. I can take care of myself. Leave me alone.” I snap, anger blinding me. Why did he rape those girls? What went through his head? I still couldn’t understand why he did it.

“Soph I understand that my actions wounded you but it’s not a reason to push me away―”

“Niall go away.”

“Fine.” He retorts. “Don’t blame me if you end up with a twisted ankle or somethin’” I hear the crunch of the leaves under his feet fade as he walks away and to the field. I wait a couple minutes, before sighing and climbing up the root.

I regret my refusal for Niall’s help as soon as my foot slips off the slick surface, making me tumble to the other side. Catching myself with my arms, I squeal as feel pain igniting my right limb for mere seconds.

“Oww! Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouucchhh!” I ramble sitting up, clutching my wrist to my chest in pain. I look at it. It doesn’t seem broken. But it feels numb. I try moving my fingers and pain courses through them. “Oww.” I groan.  Shaking, I get back upon my feet and walk to the wood’s boundaries, holding my arm to my torso. Flinching, I drop it to my side and take a deep breath before continuing forwards. Once I’m completely out, I take long strides through the green field, wanting to put ice on my swelling arm as rapidly as possible to dim the constant pain that keeps shooting inside it. Niall is about thirty meters in front of me, but I don’t call on him. I don’t want to.

When I finally reach the gate wedged between the half-circle of hedges, Niall is gone inside the house. Harry’s sitting on the patio though, arms behind his head. He stands up as I open the squeaking gate. The earlier events come rushing back to me. Niall raped some girls... The thought alone stings badly. I start crying at the thought of Niall. Why Niall?

 “Hey Soph! Niall told me you were willing to talk again and interact and I thought that maybe we could―” he stops talking as he sees my tears. “Hey what’s wrong love?” he coos, coming over to me as worry creased his forehead. “And why are you wet?”

“Harry!” I start sobbing, hugging the older boy. I pull back almost immediately, more pain inflaming my wrist. “Harry, Niall raped some girls!” I cry, looking up at him eyes filled with tears.

“He did what?” The curly haired boy asks, incredulous.

“Harry he raped Jade, Gabrielle, Elle, Annaleigh and Rachel! He took me to this beautiful bay and then we swam a bit and he just dropped it all on me!”

His face is now a mask of horror. “Bloody hell... Why would he do that?”

I start hyperventilating out more, emotions hitting me like a train. “He said something about drugs and them tempting you guys and calling me names which frustrated him and he started freaking out and―”

“Sophie calm down.” Harry shushes me, hugging me to him.

Keeping my right arm away from him, I cry in his shirt. I’m an emotional wreck, feelings drowning me. Niall why?

“Shush it’s alright love... We’ll take care of things.” He says softly, caressing my hair as his chin rests on the top of my head. That’s how Louis find’s us minutes later, hugging on the porch.

“Well aren’t you two getting cozy.” He points out. “So Sophie you’re ready to intermingle with us again it seems?”

I turn look up at him, face wet with dry tears. “No. Louis I―”

Zayn comes in, a little flustered. “Niall came in teary eyed... Can one of you two care to tell me what happened?” he demands. Liam comes outside, also inquisitive.

“What’s wrong with Nialler?” He enquires. Harry ignores him, addressing to Zayn.

“Zayn, Niall was on drugs these last couple of days... I don’t know you how you managed to miss it with you going to his room every single day.” Harry reprimands, pulling away from our hug.

“Don’t blame this on me Styles. You weren’t doing much either.” Zayn bites back. “I wasn’t the one sulking in my room. I was giving her,” he nods my way, “the attention she was missing all while checking on Niall once in a while.”

“You obviously could’ve done better. Now both of them are hurt.” Harry retorts.

“You’re the one who let them be together today! You gave Niall the permission to take her out!”

“Zayn,” Liam tenses, ready to restrain the darker boy if needed.

“I’m fine.” He turns around, before spinning back to face Harry and I. “I’ll just go take care of a broken Niall... Again!” Zayn says before storming inside.

“No I’ll go!” Harry starts following the older boy but I stop him with my left arm, keeping the other one relaxed on my side.

“Harry I need ice.” I mumble, wanting to break off the argument before it got out of hand.

“Did he hurt you?” Harry pulls back, inspecting me up and down.

“No. I fell off a root.” I mumble.

“Her wrist is broken.” Louis remarks, frowning as he comes closer to Harry and I’s duo. “Can you move your fingers?” The blue eyed boy probes, his own fingers lifting my arm up carefully to eye level.

“No.” I shake my head as an aching throb runs through my wrist and hand at another try.

“Yeah your wrist is broken.” Louis acknowledges.

“Louis how would you, of all people, know that?” Liam rolls his eyes, clearly unconvinced.

“My mom’s a nurse dumbo.”

Liam scoffs. “The number of times I heard you say that in the way that meant you knew nothing about first aid stuff and all!” He shakes his head.

“I don’t work under pressure!” Louis counters. “Look Daisy had already broken her arm and my mom taught me how to notice if a bone is fractured even if it doesn’t look like it. It’s simple. Sophie was clearly in pain by the way she was placing her arm so nobody could touch it but her, she can’t move her fingers and she would’ve have stopped Harry with her right arm if it didn’t hurt her that bad. I have a feeling the adrenaline has stopped pumping in your system yeah?” Louis directs the last part to me.

“Adrenaline?” I say uncertainly.

“Your arm must hurt more now than how it did on the impact of whatever caused you to fracture your bone yeah?”

I nod.

“Well that’s what adrenaline does. And now you need ice and a hospital. And probably a cast for six to eight weeks depending on how many of your small wrist bones you broke.”

“C’mon I’ll take you to the hospital with my car.” Harry places him arm around my shoulder, inciting me to enter the house.

“You guys only have one car.” I shake my head. “Why is it ‘yours’ specifically?”

“Love, we each have our own car.” Harry frowns. “Don’t you remember how Louis brought you back home that day of detention in a different car than the one I brought you to school in?”

“But Niall said... ” I stay silent for a minute. “Yeah forget that you’re right.” I’m so stupid. So Niall lied to me? Of course he lied he wanted to be alone with me for the day. He needed my company like I needed his. But he lied? I feel like I’ve been stabbed in the heart once more.

“Louis when did you get so doctor-ish?” Liam questions the older boy as we get inside the warm manor.

“I’ve always been that smart Leyum.” Louis brags.

“Ugh whatever. You three go in the car. I’ll fetch the ice and join you.”

“Can you bring Padgett too?” I ask him.

“Why would you want Padgett?”

“To be happy. And try to forgive Niall.” I reply simply. I’ll open him up; find what good Niall has already done. Maybe it’ll compensate for the raping. Maybe. I hope it will. I never completely forgave Zayn, until I learned he had helped me escape. And even then... I stay distant with him when I can.

“Yeah okay...”

“Bring her pillow too. You know, just in case. Hospitals are slow to treat patients.” Louis adds thoughtfully. Liam nods and heads upstairs.

We get out the front door and Harry opens the car’s passenger door for me, making sure I was properly attached before going to the driver’s side. Louis takes a place in the back seat and Liam soon follows.

“Here ya go.” He hands me the ice pack and Padgett.

“Boys... You guys wouldn’t mind if I went alone with her hmm? I mean... I did leave you with Danielle and Eleanor yeah?” Harry looks at them through the review mirror.

“Danielle and Eleanor?” I question, cringing as I place the icepack on my broken wrist.

“You’ll meet them soon enough.” Liam promises from behind me.

“Harry I wanna go...” Louis complains, pouting a bit.

“Louis... I’ll have a Nerf war with you when I get back tonight, if you let me be alone with her.” Harry assures the older boy.

“Fine then. As soon as you get back. Get ready to be bombarded Styles.” Louis menaces before opening the door. He gets out. “C’mon Liam... I’ll use you as my target for now.”

“What? Oh no Tomlinson you’ll have to get me first.” Liam says, rapidly getting out of the car before sprinting to the house, Louis on his heels.

“Well. That went well.” Harry sighs. He cocks his head to the side, looking at me. “Does it hurt? Your wrist I mean?”

“Yes. So can we just get to the hospital?” I groan, shutting my eyes.

“Yeah yeah sorry.” He chuckles, starting the car.

I sigh, resting my head on my seat as one question kept twirling into my head.... Why Niall?

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