Wanting What's Wrong

Two years have passed since Sophie Miller escaped. Two years since she was One DIrections private possession. Trying to get her life back to normal, Sophie heads to Mullingar. The boys of One Direction find her and drag her back into their messed up lives. Feelings start showing here and there, making Sophie confused. Is it really okay to start having feelings towards your kidnappers? Afterall, there is a very thin line between love and hate...


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35. Illusions

This is a nightmare. It’s all an illusion. It’s not true. Wake up Soph. I tears start sliding down my cheeks, and dots cloud my vision.

“No no no Niall!” I start hyperventilating. Just as things were getting better... He has to try and kill himself? Why? Is it because he couldn’t live without my forgiveness? Oh Niall I forgive you! You didn’t do anything! Niall this is all my fault.

“Sophie don’t faint!” Louis orders, placing one of his hands on my leg. “He’ll be alright. Everything’s gonna end up alright.” He urges, voice shaky. “Oh God please let him be alright.” He pleads, looking upwards. “Why why why?” Louis shakes his head, wiping his tears with the back of his hand as he did his best to focus on the road. “Why the fuck would he do that?” The blue-eyed boy continues intensely. “Sophie do you think it’s my fault? Do you think that it’s because I haven’t been with him enough?”

“No Lou. I don’t think it’s your fault.” I shake my head, before taking it in my hands as more tears drop.

Once at the hospital, we are placed in a waiting room.

The other boys are there, eyes puffy. Liam is arguing heatedly with a nurse and Zayn is sitting on a chair, head in his hands. Harry is leaning on the wall, trying to look strong but failing. His cheeks are tear stained, his eyes red from crying.

“Harry!” I start sobbing again, running to go hug the curly-haired boy.

His head shoots up and he starts crying again as he welcomes me in his arms.

“Harry tell me what happened?! Where is Niall? Harry please please please tell me he’s okay?” I weep. “Where is he? What happened?” I repeat, crying harder in his shirt, my good hand clenching around the fabric.

“I don’t know. He’s in surgery.” He responds, voice hoarse as he hugs me tighter. “They won’t tell us anything. Sophie it was horrific. The way he looked when they got him in the ambulance. Sophie I hate hospitals. They are bad places.” Harry continues morosely. “Do you think it’s my fault?” He asks suddenly. I feel him shudder.

“Harry it’s nobody’s fault. Things happen.” Zayn intervenes, talking for the first time since me and Louis have arrived. That last one who was with Liam, urging the nurse to tell us about Niall and let us see him.

“Zayn, what happened to Niall? What did he do to end up here? He didn’t cut himself right?” I ask the darker boy, pulling away from Harry a little to speak to Zayn face to face. The latter takes a deep breath before answering.

“He was hit by a car.” Niall was hit by a car?

“But Liam wrote that he tried to kill himself,” I object. This doesn’t make any sense.

“We aren’t sure yet what happened exactly. Louis wouldn’t answer his phone when we tried to warn him about Niall’s situation so Liam wrote the first thing he could think of and left it at the house for you two to see.”

“How does one come with the idea that someone tries to kill himself when he’s hit by a car?” I almost scream. Heads turn my way, and Liam and Louis stop arguing with the nurse to see what’s happening.

“Sophie calm down.” Harry mumbles in my hair. I’m shaking in his arms, my sadness turning into frustration.

“Niall froze in the middle of the road as car arrived.” Zayn continues once I’m calmer. Louis and Liam resume their protesting against the lady.

 “Maybe he was distracted. Maybe he didn’t look around as he crossed the road and he was just stunned when he saw the car so he stopped moving altogether. It’s called being frozen in fear.” I snap. Harry squeezes my shoulder. “I thought he tried killing himself! I thought it was voluntary, not an accident!” I pursue.

Harry stays silent as the bickering between Zayn and I persists.

“But why would he go outside in the first place? Why didn’t he tell somebody?”

“Maybe he went outside for some fresh air! Some time alone! Maybe he knew you’d wanna follow!”

“Well you see, we only have maybe’s! We aren’t certain about anything! And you, of all people, would’ve wanted me to stay with him anyways!”

“This still isn’t a good reason to make me think he tried to kill himself!”

“But that was never my intention! I didn’t want to scare you!”

“Well you hella did!” I cry.

“Soph shhh...” Harry whispers.

“I agree with Sophie. I don’t think it was right to make us think Niall had the intentions to kill himself,” Louis enters our argument casually finally leaving the nurse alone. Liam though, was not quite finished talking with the lady. “But on the other hand, I don’t blame them for thinking that way. I would’ve thought that way too, because Niall’s been having dark thoughts recently and I think that Sophie not forgiving him wasn’t helping much.” Louis accuses me

“Are you saying it’s my fault?!” I retort, hurt. Tears sting my eyes once more.

“No it’s nobody’s fault!” Zayn disagrees.

“Let’s just stop arguing and hear for ourselves what Niall has to say.” Liam breaks the feud, pulling away from a very flustered nurse. The woman says something into her walkie-talkie. “He’s being brought out of the operating room. We can go see him in a couple minutes.”

“As soon as you folks calm down rather.” The nurse intervenes, placing the walkie-talkie away. “We are in a hospital. Patients require peace and quiet. Not teenagers that keep yelling at each other. I know you all are stressed for Mr. Horan, but we’ve had worst cases. He’s gonna make it. The doctor will take care of him.”

I sigh, before taking a seat beside Zayn. Harry sits beside me, and Louis and Liam sit beside us. We wait in silence.

“So for how long have you guys been here?” I ask after a couple minutes.

“About two or three hours. I don’t know. And I don’t think I want to.” He replies, before placing his head back into his hands.

Having nothing else to say, I shut my eyes, taking slow breaths. I open my eyes and look around. The blue and turquoise tints of the hospital are nauseating, the smell of sterilisation not helping. My head starts spinning.

“Harry I hate hospitals too.” I groan.

“Are you going to be sick?” He enquires, standing up. I shake my head.

“I think I just need to walk around.”

“I’ll come with you.” He offers. I feel the other three boys looking at us intently.

“I’m just going to be walking back and forth in the waiting room Harry,” I deny.

“Well I’ll do it with you.”

“Ok sure. Whatever.” I sigh, not finding the will to argue.

We walk silently, doing circles in the semi-empty waiting room. From the corner of my eye, I see Liam pulling out his phone. Zayn’s already on his, talking lowly.

“My mother tells me Niall’s mother is worried sick.” Liam says aloud, reading a text. Harry and I stop walking, looking at the brown-eyed boy.

“Who told them?” Louis counters.

“I don’t know,” Liam shrugs.

After several other minutes of pacing, a man with a white coat arrives. Finally. He looked fairly young, but he had a couple grey hairs, probably from stressing out at doing his job. I’d say he was in his mid-thirties...

“Boys,” The doctor starts, “And girl,” He adds, looking at me before addressing to all of us. “My name is Dr. Martins. I’m the one in charge for Mister Horan. I do not know who you are, nor do I care, but some people with your faces on cartons are making a racket outside, asking if Mister Horan is alright and other obscene things I shall not name.” The man says, very seriously. “I will not let you see Mr. Horan until they leave. We are in a hospital, not an arena.”

“Shit some paps finally found us.” Louis groans.

“So did the fans.” Liam huffs.  “The dedicated one at the least because the ones at Sophie’s school didn’t stalk us much.”

“Well that was a good thing.” Harry points out.

“I think the whole world knows about it.” Zayn says dryly.

“Knows about what?” Wait a sec.... “Wait did your management even know you were in Ireland? Were you like, hiding me or something?” I enquire.

“Kinda. I mean they knew we took a short break but we lied to them on the location. Some radio guy saw us when we arrived and overheard us talking about finding you. We paid him to stay quiet. The bastard couldn’t hold his mouth and told it on the radio. Fortunately for us, his radio frequency isn’t very popular.” Louis explains.

It does ring a bell though...

 

[Flashback]

 

“And now to make a secure atmosphere, here is One Direction’s What Makes You Beautiful! And here’s some great news for directioners, I heard our hometown Niall and his gang are presently in Mullingar! Looking for a girl! Could it be you?”

“You’re insecure, don’t know what fo―”

 

[End of Flashback]

 

 

“Lads look.” The Pakistani boy shows us his phone. Twitter was on the screen, with more than a thousand tweets on how Niall ended up in a hospital. Just great. More attention.

“I’m pretty sure that’s how Niall’s mom found about it too.” Louis points out. He looks at Zayn’s phone. “Paul found out too.” He chuckles, before his smile falters. “They are gonna be sooo mad.”

“Nonetheless, some of your fans are mad, hollering in front of the hospital right now.” The doctor brings them back to the present time.

“They had to find us when we’re at a hospital.” Liam groans, rubbing his temples. “Can we all go see Niall, then take care of the fans outside?” Liam asks Dr. Martins.

“No.” The doctor shakes his head. “We wouldn’t want Niall to be overwhelmed. He’s probably sleeping right now anyways. Or about to get up a little disoriented. He hit his head pretty hard. Only one person will be allowed for the first hour to make sure he doesn’t freak out. Which one of you will go?”

“Lads, I think Sophie should go first. Niall needs her most right now, and we have to go take care of the people outside...” Harry sighs. I squeeze his hand gratefully, with my good arm.

“Thank you.” I mumble, hugging him.

“He needs you Soph.” He whispers back, before pushing me softly towards the doctor.

“Follow me, miss.”

The doctor takes me through a long hallway, talking as he went. “So Niall, like I said earlier, hit his head pretty hard on the asphalt after the impact. Luckily for him, the car wasn’t driving too fast and all he got we’re a few broken ribs and many bruises.”

“So why did he need surgery?”

“His brain got damaged when his skull collided the asphalt.”

“How damaged?” I whisper, scared of the answer. “He can still talk right? He still has all his memories?”

“The frontal lobe of his brain is the part that was harmed. But fortunately for him, only a small part of it.” Dr. Martins trails on while we turn left. He stops in front of a door with blurry glass, talking to me face to face. “When people injure the frontal lobe their brains, usually they have difficulty thinking and concentrating on more than one thing. Some other cases are the inability to move some body parts, or a total change of personality.”

We're in front of Niall’s room.

“What does Niall have?” I question softly, bracing myself.

“He is a very lucky chap let me tell you that. According to the images we have of his cerebral activity, only his emotions were affected. His case is particular though. We only have about two or three patients like him. He’ll live an emotion very profoundly, if you understand what I mean. If he’s angry, he’ll risk being a raging hurricane. If he’s happy, well he’ll be in constant bliss. But if he’s feeling more sad and depressed, it might take him twice the normal time to recover. This could be very dangerous as we noticed the boy had self-harming scars all along his wrists.” The doctor looks at me pointedly. “They weren’t fresh so we presumed he had stopped this habit?”

“Yes.”

He notes something on his pad.

“I suggest you look out for him intensely. His mood swings might be dangerous the first few days, as they will be at their highest. You are Sophie right?”

“Yeah...How do you know my name?”

“The medical group that placed him in the ambulance said he didn’t stop asking for a certain Sophie. I just assumed it was you.”

I smile sadly. Oh Niall.

“So I’ll leave you two... I think he’s up,” Dr. Martins says, looking at his watch.

“Wait.” I grab his arm. “Do you know for how long this state will affect him? I mean the deep emotions and mood swings?” I ask.

“I think it’ll wear off over time. But I can’t be sure. The patients that have that are, as a matter of fact, quite recent.”

“Are you gonna tell all this to the boys that were with me? I don’t think I can explain it like you did.” I enquire.

“Sure miss.”

“Thank you.” I tell him truthfully, before opening the door to Niall’s room carefully. I hear the beeping of the machines before I see him. Gulping, I step inside.

“Soph?” Niall croaks. “Is that you?” I see him. He’s plugged here and there, with bandages around his chest and small cuts and bruises on his face.

“Niall oh my god.” I start crying, and head over to the bed. I hug him hard, careful not to squeeze him with my bothering cast. “What did you do?” I whisper, grasping him tighter.

“Ouch Soph I’m a little sore around the chest area,” Niall chuckles.

“Sorry,” I pull away, wiping a tear with the back of my good hand. “I’m just so happy to see you safe and sound.” I admit. His face changes rapidly to confused and scared.

“Wait you’re not angry after me anymore?”

“Niall why would I be angry?”

“Well I-I-I raped girls a-a-and,” He stutters, trembling.

“No Niall. You didn’t.” I smile. “You imagined it all.”

“But no I’m sure―”

I place a finger on his lips.

“The drugs made you think you did it.”

“Maybe I’m still dreaming then,” he shakes his head, becoming really scared. “Maybe I’m still under the influence of drugs.”The Irish lad starts freaking out. The doctor was right; his emotions become drastic really quickly.

“I’ll prove you otherwise.” I whisper, before leaning down carefully to place a kiss on his chapped lips. I hear his heart monitor accelerating near me and I smile in the kiss.

“Do you believe this is real now?” I mumble, pulling away slowly. He shakes his head, eyes shining with joy.

“Only if I can get another one.” He responds, just as quietly. His hand carefully pulls my head in for another kiss. Niall’s lips are warm against mine, small butterflies forming in my stomach at the intimate feel of our lips joining again. He groans appreciatively on my lips. “Now I do.” Niall acknowledges as he pulls back gently. His lips are trembling, as well as his hands.

“Niall, are you okay? You’re shaking,” I laugh nervously, ready to go fetch the doctor if needed.

“I’m feeling incredible actually. Too incredible actually.” He admits, sighing as he closes his eyes. “I could die right now and I’d be in bliss...” He mumbles.

“Niall..?” I say worriedly.

His eyes shoot open. “I’m just so overwhelmed by you.” The blonde explains. “Everything about you. Your touch, your smell, your eyes, your lips, your body...” He groans. “It’s like I can’t keep my feelings for you under control....You kissed me and it was like floating on a cloud. It felt heavenly. ” he moans, his heart beat accelerating on the monitor.

“Niall I have to tell you something....” I tell him carefully, trying to get his emotions back to a stable point. Unfortunately, I just sent them going another way.

“Are you gonna say you don’t wanna be with me anymore?” The Irish boy is already on the verge of tears. “Don’t you love me Soph? I didn’t rape those girls so why are you being so distant? Are you gonna leave me here? All alone?” He starts panicking and I sit on his bed.

“No no no. Niall calm down... Listen.” He looks at me wide-eyed and nervous. I shut my eyes before continuing. “You do know you hit your head right?”

“Y-y-yeah,” he stutters.

“Well... it affected your brain.”

“Are you saying it changed my memory? So you and I... We’re not very close? But why did you kiss me? Why did we kiss if we’re not very close?” He rambles on sadly. “Why torture me?”

“Niall stop jumping to conclusions.” I quiet. This was gonna be so hard. He has absolutely no power over his feelings. “I don’t know if the doctor told you...But Niall, you damaged a small part of the front of your brain. And it’s the one that controls your emotions.” I say finally.

“I don’t understand.”

“You mean you don’t notice the constant mood swings you’re having? You were happy just a moment ago, in bliss I might add, and now you’re nervous and scared.” I try, in order to make him understand.

He frowns.

“Am I going to stay like that for a long time?” he asks after a couple seconds of silence.

“We don’t know.”

“God this is horrible.” He groans, shutting his eyes. Niall’s lip is trembling.

“Niall it could’ve been worst.” I try reassuring him. “You could’ve lost some parts of your memory.”

“Are the lads gonna come and see me?” He asks brusquely, changing the subject completely. I stand up carefully, caught off guard.

“Yeah I can go get them if―”

“No stay.” He grabs my good hand. “Please.”

“Okay.” I frown.

“Sit.” The blonde says, patting my previous spot. I do as asked, uncertain. He smiles, and shuts his eyes, before resting his head on the hospital bed. It’s silent, a part from the monitor that indicated his heart rate. It was slow and steady, until he exhaled, pulling a face. The beeping rapidly accelerated.

“Niall?” I enquire anxiously.

“Hmm?” He mumbles without opening his eyes, his heartbeat slowing once more.

“What are you thinking about?”

“You. And all that’s going on. Life.” The Irish boy responds simply, his eyes still shut. Which makes me think...

“Niall you didn’t try to kill yourself right? To end up here I mean? It was an accident? You didn’t mean to end up being hit by a car?” I shoot simultaneously.

“What?” he opens his eyes, revealing two confused cerulean eyes.

“You weren’t trying to kill yourself when you crossed the road, right?”

“No. Not at all.” He shakes his head vigorously, goose bumps rising on his skin.

“You promise?” I cock my eyebrow up.

“Soph I wouldn’t lie to you about that... in fact I wouldn’t lie to you at all...I don’t keep secrets from you. Why are you talking to me like I’m a child?” Niall’s mood rapidly shifts to angry and hurt.

“That’s not what I’m doing Niall,” I shake my head negatively. “I’m just making sure you’re okay because I care for you. A lot.”

“And that’s all it’ll ever be right? Caring. You’ll never love me like I love you right?” He retorts, irritated. “No you won’t because you’re selfish and you only think about yourself and YOUR feelings and all that girl―”

“No Niall that’s not it.” I cut him, taken aback by his harshness. This is too much... I can’t take it... I won’t be able to take his swings.  I’m blinking back tears, biting my lip.

“God. I’m so sorry Soph.” He says horrified, realising what he’d just said. “I had a mood change didn’t I?” Niall grimaces. I stay quiet, but he understands my silent answer. He moves himself as far away from me as possible. “Stupid, unrestrained feelings...C’mere,” The blonde mumbles, tapping the empty space right beside him on the bed.

I don’t move.

“Please Soph...” he begs.

Carefully, I get on the bed, and snuggle up to him, avoiding hitting his damaged rib cage area with my cast. My head rests on the top his chest as I take deep breaths, synchronising them with the beating of his heart. He caresses my hair lovingly.

“I’m sorry Soph.” He whispers softly after a couple minutes of peaceful silence. “I didn’t mean what I just said...” he continues.

But he did. He thinks it’s taking me a long time to love him back. And he’s right... Maybe Niall’s not the one for me? Why wouldn’t he be the one? He’s been the nicest. Heaven help me. My life’s a mess.

“What are you thinking about?” Niall pulls me out of my reverie.

“You.” I answer honestly. He squeezes me, his heart beat quickening. Sighing quietly, I shut my eyes, letting myself be held in Niall’s arms. 

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