Wanting What's Wrong

Two years have passed since Sophie Miller escaped. Two years since she was One DIrections private possession. Trying to get her life back to normal, Sophie heads to Mullingar. The boys of One Direction find her and drag her back into their messed up lives. Feelings start showing here and there, making Sophie confused. Is it really okay to start having feelings towards your kidnappers? Afterall, there is a very thin line between love and hate...


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37. Emotions

“Just great.” I mumble. “Another one who leaves me alone in a hospital. Louis, I hate you.” I mutter, slumping really low in my seat. Our conversation replays in my head. Would he really tell him? Am I really that selfish? Keeping them in the ignorance about my feelings? The problem is, I don’t even know how I feel about those boys! They drive me mad. Why am I even living with them? Why am I so freaking attached to them? Why―

“Hey Soph!” Zayn comes jogging in, smiling. His smile drops as he looks around, noticing Louis’s absence. “Where’s Lou?”

“He left me. Alone. I don’t know where he went.” I grumble, crossing my arms over my chest.

“Why are you in a sour mood?” The darker boy asks, approaching me.

“I’ve been left alone in a hospital for the second time this week. Why would I be in a sour mood in your opinion?”

“Because you’re alone?” He frowns, uncertain.

“Bingo. Now, what did ya wanna tell me?” I sigh.

“Well I’m going to go find Lou, and you can go see Niall with Harry and Liam.”

“What if I don’t wanna see them?” I mumble to myself, standing up.

“What was that?” Zayn enquires. Shit he heard me. Great. Now I need to explain myself.

“Look... it pains me to see Niall like this alright?” I huff. “It’s almost like I’m being stabbed in the heart. And then there’s Harry. Him, who I just can’t tolerate because he’s being too sweet to be Harry. And It’s been three people who’ve been telling me that I’m being selfish, but I can’t help it because I don’t wanna hurt anybody and I’m being selfish by keeping them in ignorance and sometimes I wish Harry’d be mean again, so I could make an easy choice and just go with Niall and be happy and maybe even have children I don’t know! But I can’t! And thinking about all that alone, having feelings for more than one of you guys, is messed up because initially, you guys bought me for fuck’s sake.”

“Shhh. Sophie calm down...” Zayn advances closer to me, attempting to hug me.

“Why do you even care?” I spit angrily, pushing him away. I notice people eyeing me curiously and I resist the strong urge to flip them off. Why can’t they mind their own business?!

“Sophie... Don’t start with the attitude and stop causing a scene.” Zayn’s golden eyes harden, just like his voice. “I’m only trying to be friendly here. If you don’t wanna talk about it, fine. You’re the one who started word-vomiting on me, and I listened.” The dark boy continues. “I know you’re worried about Niall, but you’re not the only one, and this is certainly not the best way to show it. You have absolutely no reason to be pissed after me, or any of the boys. We’ve been nothing but kind for the last week or so. Now calm down, get your shit together and go see Niall. He hasn’t stop asking for you.” He ends dryly.

“Okay then. Fine,” I shrug, before walking away from Zayn and to the blonde’s room, thoughts running wild in my head. Can’t he leave me alone? I’m allowed to say what I think no? No of course not. I’m with the One Direction boys. I can’t say things I think. Not anymore from the looks of it...I feel a sudden surge of hate towards the boys at the reminisce of a month ago. Why should I be calm about everything? Why shouldn’t I be allowed to tell what’s going on in my mind?

Once at the Irish boy’s door, I inhale deeply, trying to push some of the hate away, before stepping inside.

“Sophie!” The Irish voice chimes like joy at its finest. It’s almost as if Niall is a child at Christmas, and I’m the most desired present that he just received. “Sophie you came back!” he exclaims as I come closer to him, Harry and Liam.

“Course I did... I told you I would.” I smile, hiding all my previous thoughts and hatred behind it. I can’t hate Niall. Not when he’s like this.

“Oi! Where’s Lou?” Harry enquires from beside Niall’s bed. “He and Liam will swap...”

“I’m pretty sure he’s somewhere on Earth Harry.” I say, my mouth forming the words before I could even process them. I don’t even understand why I decided to be sassy.

“Is something wrong with you?” The green-eyed boy frowns, just like the other two.

“I’m perfectly fine.” I sigh, feeling annoyance bubble up in my veins.

“You sure?” He presses. I can’t help notice that Liam and Niall stay silent. The last one though, is squirming uncomfortably on his bed, grimacing. Must be his bruised ribs... Right?

“Yes.” I answer slowly. “I’m feeling great, walking on sunshine, riding a unicorn that eats rainbows or whatever that’ll convince you that I was never better.”

“Liar,” His eyes are slits, his mouth pressed in a thin line.

“Of course I’m lying... Unicorns don’t exist, and it’s literally impossible to walk on sunshine. So that leaves us with... I’m feeling great.”

“Cut the sass Soph. Answer the question.”

“Okay then. I’m fine under the circumstances given. Happy?”

He shakes his head, standing up and taking my hand.

“Wanna come and talk outside?” Harry questions, tugging me towards the door.

“Not exactly.” I shake my head, pulling my hand away from his. “I came to see Niall...” I look over Harry's shoulder to see that Niall is tense and Liam is muttering things to him, surely to calm him down my looks of it.  “I think I’ll stay a little longer with him...” I continue.

“Well sorry, I’m not giving you a choice sweet cheeks. You’re coming with me.” Harry’s deep voice has a scary edge as he grasps my arm in a tight grip and yanks me out the room. Ugh.

My body collides with the one of a person dressed in white. The doctor.

“Oww...” I groan, as Harry rapidly lets go of my arm.

“I’m sorry, it’s my bad.” The doctor chuckles pulling me out of my stare as he smoothed up his clothes. “Sophie! I wanted to see you. I have some news for you.”

I rub the sore spot and glare at Harry. He responds by glaring back, before placing himself beside me so are arms are barely touching. Discretely, he slips his hand into mine. I try to pull away, but his grasp is tight. I give up on fighting, not wanting to make him angrier. I decide to place my attention on the doctor instead.

“So... Would you like to hear it?” The man dressed in white enquires, cocking his eyebrow upwards.

“Hear what?” I ask, confused.

“The news I want to tell you...”

“Is it about Niall?”

“Yes.”

“Is it good news?”

“Yes.” Dr. Martins nods, slightly losing patience with all my questioning. “Sophie, we’ve studied, in the last hour or so, how Niall reacted to different people. We took note that his heart rate monitor accelerates when his emotions are stronger. This reaction is very similar to the one of people with bi-polar disorders.  So we actually have medication we can give him, to help him control it. He won’t have to stay in the hospital for more than maybe another eight hours, give a take a few minutes, in order for us to test the efficacy of the pills we’ll administer. That means Mr. Horan will be sleeping at the hospital. But we’ll need you two, Sophie and Niall, to be alone, and I really do mean alone,” He pauses, looking pointedly at Harry beside me, before pursuing, “Together for the period of time when the effects will act.”

“Why me?”

“You triggered Niall’s stronger emotions.” He says, checking his pad. He lifts a few sheets up. “According to the nurse, his heart rate amplified the most during the times of 5 o’clock and 6. You were the one who visited him during these times, correct?”

“I don’t know... I think so.” I blabber, searching in my mind. Do I even wanna stay that long with Niall? Yes... Maybe. If his emotions are in check. “I don’t recall seeing the time at any moment since after school...So maybe it isn’t me,” I add, trying to find a small possibility of getting out of this.

“Yes she visited in those hours.” Harry agrees from beside me. I huff.

“Then this is why, Sophie, we need you to stay with him during the effects of the medication.”

“When will he take them?”

“Now. I was about to go give them to him, and then fetch you in the waiting room. It turned out I won’t have to fetch you after all.” He smiles. At that moment, my stomach grumbles. Harry chuckles from beside me, and I elbow him in the stomach, irritated.

“Will we have food? I know Niall loves it and it’s almost supper time...” I trail on.

“I’ll take care of that.” Harry volunteers. He lets go of my hands and kisses my forehead. “I’ll be back in a few.” The curly-haired boy adds, before leaving.

“I’m sorry Sophie I know this probably isn’t my business... But aren’t you with Niall? Or at least close to be?” The doctor investigates once Harry is well out of hearing range.

“I don’t even know.” I huff angrily. The doctor laughs nervously, and takes us inside Niall’s room.

“Mr. Payne, I will ask you to leave.” Dr. Martins instructs as he walks to Niall’s bed, looking at the different monitors. Niall frowns as Liam leaves.

“Sophie?” Liam enquires before walking out the door. “You coming?”

“I have to stay with Niall.”

Liam nods and exits without saying anything else. Weird. I thought he’d ask the doctor if I was lying... huh.

“You, love, make it seem like it’s a chore to stay with me.” Niall pouts a little as the doctor rummages a bit in his pockets. The older man pulls out a set of pills, and hands them to Niall.

“You will take these. They will help you control your emotions. Now while the pills take effect, I know this might seem, uh, pretty off, but I want you two to test as many emotions as possible in the next couple hours.” The man was very visibly starting to blush as he addressed to the both of us. “This will include lust and other possible sexual desires.... I absolutely do not mean you two having a sexual intercourse on the bed, this which is not allowed. Sophie...Just try to stimulate some kind of sexual reaction from him....But due to the fact that you two aren’t... Together? I think that these ones might be harder. We can just ignore them and―”

“No... I wanna do it.” Niall shakes his head. Of course you do.

“I uhh... Yeah. We’ll see about that.” I end stunned, sitting on the chair beside the bed as Niall takes the pills, listening to the doctor’s instructions. I am not able to pay attention to what the two are saying near me, my mind going totally blank.

“Soph? Sophie? Sophie!” Niall shakes my shoulder.

“What?” I blink a few times, looking around. Niall and I are alone; the only sound heard is our breathing and the annoying beeping of the machines. “Where’s the doctor?”

“Sophie, he left just now, but you were stuck in a daze for several minutes... You okay?” Niall questions, his blue eyes searching worriedly through mine. I shut my eyes once, and open them again.

“I’m fine Niall... Just lots of things going through my mind at the same time...”

“I’m worrying you, aren’t I?” He mumbles.

“Yes.” I sigh, taking my head with one hand. “But not all only that...”

“Come here and tell me what’s on your mind,” he invites, making space for me in his bed.

“No Niall. I can’t. I just can’t. There’s too much going on in my head. Too many knots to untie.”

“I think I can help you untie a couple...”

“I don’t think so,” I shake my head.

“At least, give me a chance... Let me try.” He proposes, tapping the place beside him. “It’ll only do you good.”

I sigh, pulling my hair a little. Shutting my eyes, I start having an internal debate with myself. Should I tell him everything? Or only some parts? Should Niall know about how Harry unintentionally poured his feelings to me? What about my argument with Louis? And the one with Zayn? The ones about being selfish? Should I tell him that’s why my surges of hatred have come back? Should I―

“Soph?” Niall’s voice pulls me out of my pondering.

“Hmm?”

“You’re doing it again.”

“Doing what?”

“Daydreaming... Being troubled in that pretty little head of yours.”

“Umm...Sorry?”

 “Don’t apologize.” The blonde chuckles. “It’s actually quite cute. Just like everything you do.”

“Always the flatterer aren’t you, Niall?” I remark, smiling feebly.

“Eh. It’s the Irish charm.” He shrugs, his cheeks turning a faint shade of pink.

“Niall are you blushing?” I grin.

“If I say yes, will you come on the bed with me?” He smirks. I laugh and shake my head in disbelief, getting on the bed beside him. I place myself sideways, so I can talk to him face to side.

“Happy?” I poke his chest lightly. He pushes my hand away playfully and sits up in his bed, placing himself so were face-to-face

“Not quite...” His gaze drops down to my lips for mere seconds.

I open my mouth to protest, but his finger silences me.

“And no, this time, I’m not asking for a kiss. I only want your mind to be clear. I want you, to tell me what’s going on Soph. Please? Tell me anything you want. Anything that’ll make you a happier person.” His hand places itself on my calf, his thumb pad drawing soothing circles on my skin. It involuntarily creates spark of arousal inside me, and I stiffen, pulling my legs a little more to myself. Niall gulps very imperceptibly, his gaze following his hands. The Irish lad doesn’t take them away from my body, almost entranced. Keeping his head down, he exhales noisily before pursuing. “I want you to tell me everything. Even if it involves insulting me or one of the boys whatsoever.” He lets out finally.

“Niall I―”

“Plus, you might stir different emotions from me. It’s a win-win situation Soph.” The blonde presses, before looking up at the ceiling in despair.

“Niall look at me.” I sigh. He brings his head down slowly, stopping when our eyes met. “If I tell you, promise me you won’t interrupt me? Or be too angry?” I try, taking his fingers into my hand and away from my legs.

“I swear I’ll just listen.” He agrees. “And if the pills do work, I’m supposed to have the normal control over my emotions.”

“Do you think they’re working?”

“Well I’m not feeling too happy I’m with you...”

“Thanks,” I say sarcastically.

“What I meant was that I’m not in complete bliss... I can control that. To some extent,” he adds, looking at the heart monitor. It had faintly accelerated, but not drastically. “But I feel I can manage my feelings enough to listen to you without hurting you verbally or whatsoever.”

“Okay so I had an argument with Louis earlier. And then with Zayn.” I admit, playing with his hand nervously.

“Oh... kay? What was it about? I hope it wasn’t about me...”

“No.” I respond quickly. He cocks his eyebrow up, unconvinced. “Well partly.” I admit. “Let me start from the beginning. You had brought up earlier, in your moment of anger, the fact that I was selfish and―”

“Sophie I didn’t me―”

“Niall. You said you wouldn’t interrupt.” I chastise, looking at him pointedly. He mimes zipping his lips shut, and throwing the key away. Shaking my head, I smile and look down at our intertwined fingers, before continuing. “So you said I was selfish, and it got to me. Harry agreed I was selfish, but said that since it made me a happier person, then it wasn’t important. Then he, Liam and Zayn went to see you, leaving me alone with Louis.”

He’s about to say something, but presses his lips together instead, inhaling loudly. I squeeze his fingers as a sign of appreciation, pursuing what I was saying.

“We ended up goofing around, Louis saying nonsense about me not having a dick and stupid stuff like that. You know, he was just being Louis, until I brought up a double date with him.” I watch his reaction carefully, evaluating how he visibly stiffens at the mention of a date, but I keep talking. “So he refused, saying something about Harry killing him. Obviously I asked him why, I mean come on, Harry’s his best friend, but he said that Harry’d be the only one allowed to date me.” And now is where I’ll switch the story a bit...Take some parts out... “Then, out of nowhere, he said I was not fair because I was selfish since I kept playing with you boys’ feelings. Then he left me alone, and Zayn arrived a few minutes later, looking for the both of us. I got angry after him, because suddenly, I was angry after all of you. You guys make me feel things I’m not supposed to feel. And it frustrates me. So much.” I end heatedly.

Niall stays silent for a few seconds, gazing directly into my eyes.

“Well first of all, I agree with Harry. I think it’s... okay... to be selfish if it makes you a happier person.” He says carefully, passing his hand through his hair. “But Louis is right too. It’s not fair, for us, to be played around like that. I think we deserve an answer, or at least, a hint about your feelings.”

That was not supposed to happen.

“Not fair? Life isn’t fair Niall, and examples are everywhere these days! What’s fair about you, being in a hospital right now? What about me in a cast? Oh also, what’s fair about me being constantly emotionally pushed around by you guys? Really what’s fair about life Niall?” I exclaim, throwing my arms in the air.

“Sophie, calm down.” The way the blonde places his hand on my leg is meant as a reassuring action, but I flinch away from his touch.

“No Niall, I won’t calm down.” I get off the bed brusquely, pumped. “You asked me what was going on in my head and that’s exactly what I did! I told you what I thought! As you can see, I’m mostly pissed at everything right now!”

“Soph, you’re tired and it’s big a big day...I think you’re overreacting and―”

“I’m overreacting?!? How’s this overreacting,” I motion around us, “Due to the current situation hmm? I think it’s pretty damn reasonable!” I shout angrily. The words continue pouring out of my mouth. “I’ve been bought for fucks sake! I’m pretty sure my reaction isn’t even adequate!”

“Are you even hearing yourself right now?!  You sound like the 16 year-old you!” He’s yelling too. “Get over it! You’ve been bought two years ago! Turn the fucking page!”

“Get over it?! GET OVER IT?!? How would you react if you lived though all I’ve been so far?!”

“I’d learn to accept the situation and maybe consider the thought that the current circumstances might turn out to be the best that happened to me so far!”

“The best that happened to me?!” I retort incredulously, my hands going up in confusion. I feel something loosen inside me. “Well fuck that. You know what? That’s it Niall.” I abandon, dropping my arms. “I’m done with you guys. Hope you can accept that.” I end, before storming out of his room.  I ignore him as he yells my name, walking determinedly towards the hospital’s exit. This time, I’m going to get away from them for real. I’m getting away. But where? I have no home. Nowhere to go to sleep, and feel safe! And it’s their fuckin fault. Everything is their fault!

I let out a scream of rage, getting a couple glances my way. I don’t care. I never did anyways. 

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