Wanting What's Wrong

Two years have passed since Sophie Miller escaped. Two years since she was One DIrections private possession. Trying to get her life back to normal, Sophie heads to Mullingar. The boys of One Direction find her and drag her back into their messed up lives. Feelings start showing here and there, making Sophie confused. Is it really okay to start having feelings towards your kidnappers? Afterall, there is a very thin line between love and hate...


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46. Breaking

 

“Zayn please!” I beg, shaking. “You’re supposed to help me! Zayn I can’t do this!”

“Yes you can! I’m not letting you out until you understand that!”

I had opened up to him in the car, telling him every single thought that might’ve passed through my head when I learned about the magazine and its contents.. And that included the voice inside my head that told me I was a worthless slut. Wanting to be completely honest with the Bradford boy, I told him I needed to numb the pain, but I wanted him to stop me from doing it. Apparently Zayn didn’t like what I said because next thing I know I’m thrown into a bathroom, Zayn is strewing blades and sharp objects all across the counter, and he exits, locking me inside. That was five minutes ago, and I was still shaking from Zayn’s abrupt roughness.

I stare at the counters contents, and it’s almost like they’re mocking me.  Taunting me to hurt myself.  And I want to give in. So bad. But at the same time, I can’t do it.

 “Zayn I can’t!” I cry, watching fearfully the razors in front of me. “I’m going to hurt myself! I’m not strong enough!” I sob. You’re a slut. You deserve to suffer. You’re weak. “Zayn!”

“You are strong enough Soph!” He yells back from the other side of the door. “I know you can do this! Be in control.”

I reach for one of blades, tears sliding down my cheeks as I shakingly hold it over my exposed wrist.

“Zayn!” I weep. “Zayn I’m a whore! I’m useless! And all of you could end up in jail because of me!”

“We are not going to end up in jail! Liam and Harry are taking care of the stupid magazine publisher right now! And no you are not useless, and you are especially not a whore!”

He’s saying that just to make you feel better. You’re just like a prostitute that does her job for free.

“Please the voice it’s telling me all the wrong stuff! I need you to reassure me!”

“You have to do this on your own Sophie. I know you can. Think of something happy. Something that happened that made you feel like you we’re important to them. Something positive.”

Niall had said he had cut for me. To show me how important I am to him. How it hurts to know that someone you deeply care about, hurts themselves.

The thing is, Niall cuts because of me. Because of the pain I inflict. That’s not the same. That’s not positive at all. That’s horrific. And Niall might do it again if I do it! Oh no.

This is your entire fault. It’s your fault Niall started self-harming in the first place. You are not good enough for him. You deserve to suffer.

“Zayn I’m going to do it! I’m a horrible person! I made Niall start self-harming! I want to get out of here! I don’t want Niall to hurt himself again if I do it!” I cry, lightly pressing the razor into my skin. “Zayn let me get out please! I won’t do it if I’m with you! I don’t like facing this alone! You’re supposed to help me!” I sob, fat tears falling from my face and onto my extended arm.

“Sophie I’m not letting you out of this bathroom until the need to hurt yourself has passed! You need to realise that self-harming isn’t going to do you any good. You can fight it. You must fight your battle alone, because I won’t always be there with you when you get the urges.” He replies in a serious voice. “Think of something that made you want to be you.” The British boy presses from the other side of the door.

I rapidly think of my whole life in fast forward, going from my somewhat happy childhood, to that specific moment when my dad left my mom and I for another woman, to my depressing adolescence, to my selling to One Direction two years ago, to my escape, to this year’s kidnapping and all it implied, to the present moment. I could not stop replaying Niall’s tortured features when I found him slicing his wrists.

“Zayn I can’t! I’m too troubled by Niall! It’s all my fault!” I weep, shutting my eyes as I dig the razor inside my wrist slowly. I feel skin breaking.

“Goddamn it! Think of Harry then!” He shouts, hitting the door.

I stop brusquely, images, thoughts and feelings hitting me like a train. I suddenly think of the time when Harry had defended me against Zayn, and sung me to sleep after I had done what I was doing just know. That faint but still present broken look in his eyes every time he’d harm me.  I remember how recently, no matter how much I’d frustrate him; he’d restrain himself from lashing out on me. I realise how much I changed him. How he’d practically take a bullet for me. How I’d probably do the same. How important I was to him. How important he was to me. How loved I felt when I was around him, even though he wasn’t always showing it the right way.

Oh my God I’m in love with him. Why did I fall for the one that hurt me the most?

I throw the blade in the sink, backing away from the counter with my arms wrapped around myself. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. Harry wasn’t supposed to be the one I fell for. My back hits the wall and I fall to the floor.

“Sophie?” Zayn questions, still outside in the hallway.

“Go away Zayn,” I sniffle, digging my face into my knees as I cry some more.

I hear the door open, but I don’t look up.

“Zayn go away,” I blubber. He sighs.

“Why are you so sad pretty girl? You did it. You didn’t harm yourself.” The dark boy says softly, sitting beside me. “Not a lot anyways... See you only made a scratch.” He continues, motioning the red mark where the razor had barely broken the skin.

“I think I’ve fallen in love with Harry.” I sob, taking my head into my arms.

“And that’s wrong? I mean it’s so obvious, I would’ve thought that you’d know.”

“How is it obvious?! Harry and I do not represent two people in love! We fight most of the time!”

“But you forgive quite quickly and your quarrels usually end up with snogging, or maybe cuddling if your sexual frustration isn’t too high.” He shrugs.

“How would you know that?”

“Harry talks to us. He may seem the most dangerous, but he is the youngest and has a very sweet side, with lots of questions about everything.” Zayn replies carefully. “Now come to the kitchen, I’ll make you something to eat. By the sounds of your stomach, you haven’t eaten much today,” he continues, standing up.

“Harry did forbid me to eat breakfa―”

“C’mon Soph. You, Harry and I all know Louis gave you food.” Zayn rolls his eyes, extending his hand to help me up. “I think it was his way of apologizing for his uhh... punishment of yesterday.”

Right the spanking. Wait a minute...

“Why do you know everything that’s going on between closed doors?” I ask, accusingly. “Zayn do you listen to doors or something?”

“No.”

“I don’t believe you,”

“It’s not important if I do or don’t okay? Now c’mon, take my hand or you’ll have to stand up alone.” He sighs.

I take his hand and hoist myself up, before wiping the rest of my tears with the back of my forearm.

“You won’t tell Harry what I just told you though, right?” I ask softly to Zayn as he leads me out of the bathroom and to the kitchen.

“As long as you promise me you’ll tell him.”

“I’ll tell him when I’m ready.” I accept.

When I’m ready to break Niall’s heart. My chest wrenches painfully at the thought of his broken face.

Zayn leads me to the kitchen silently, and all I can think about is how deep I’ve fallen in love with Harry, all while barely realising it.

“So... Have any ideas on what you want to eat?” He enquires, opening the refrigerator door.

I walk to one of the benches placed around the counter in the middle of the kitchen and I sit, flinching a little.

“Soph? What do you want?” The dark boy repeats, looking over his shoulder.

“A big bowl of a cure against love.” I mumble. “I think a large glass of alcohol would probably do the trick.”

“I am not giving you alcohol at a time like this.”

“Weird how two years ago, you practically brought me to a bar illegally, and shoved a couple shooters down my throat.” I mutter.

“People change as time goes alright? That’s what makes the world go round... changes. But really Sophie Miller tell me what you want to eat or I’m making you something you won’t like.”

“And how would you know I won’t like it hmm?” I test.

“Oh my God Sophie.” The Bradford boy rubs his temples, and I can tell he’s on the verge of exploding. “Sophie I swear―”

“Okay okay fine. That weird pasta salad you did for me last time... That be nice,” I admit.

“It wasn’t weird, it was unique remember?” he winks, clearly calming down as he starts pulling out stuff from the fridge, as well as a big bowl and a pot. He puts water in the pot and places it on the stove. He stops as he pulls out a knife, placing it on the counter. “Oh this reminds me... I have something for you.” Zayn states. “Can you put the noodles in when the water’s boiling? I shouldn’t be too long but I’ll take advantage of my trip upstairs to check on Niall, inform him on our tetchy situation and such. I really don’t know how much time it’ll take me, depending on if he took his medication or not or if he’s sleeping or awake.” He takes a deep breath before pursuing. “Are you going to be able to do that for me though? Put these noodles,” Zayn pats the bag of uncooked macaroni on the counter, “In this pot,” he points the pot cooking on the stove, “When little bubbles appear at the surface of the water?”

“Zayn for Christ’s sake. I’m not retarded,” I huff, rolling my eyes.

“I know that darling, I just like to tease you,” The Pakistani boy chuckles, giving me a playful punch on the shoulder. “Oh and also... If you feel like cutting, for whatever reason, these veggies are waiting for you.” he adds, motioning the carrots, broccoli, cauliflower and tomatoes. “I’ll be back in a few,” he ends.

I watch him quietly as he leaves, before looking at the knife he pulled out.

Getting up from the bench, I walk over to it, grasping the handle with my left hand. But I’m right handed usually... Ugh I hope I won’t chop my fingers off....

I eye the sharp blade warily, before grabbing a carrot from the bag. I carefully press the blade against the vegetable and push downwards. It cuts through easily. I smile, before restarting the action, making sure my fingers were out of the way every single time. Once the carrot has become a bundle of circular slices, I start chopping it into little cubes, the only sound to be heard in the house being the knife going down on the vegetable.

I grab another carrot, my mind wandering to what happened a couple minutes ago. I was about to cut because of a magazine that may put the boys’ career in jeopardy. I thought of Niall, the urge was stronger. I thought about Harry, I didn’t cut. I told Zayn I fell in love with Harry.

Only thinking his name sent shivers down my spine, his face invading my mind. His eyes. His gorgeous emerald eyes. And how they look at me with such possessiveness... he makes me feel like I’m the only girl in the world.

I immediately start humming Only Girl in the World by Rihanna.

 

Want you to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world
Like I'm the only one that you'll ever love
Like I'm the only one who knows your heart
Only girl in the world...

 

But why oh why did I fall in love with Harry? The one who hurt me the most?! He even slapped me and I did nothing! I freakin forgave him! How am I even going to tell Niall? Can I break his heart like that? After all he did for me?

But he deserves to know. He deserves to have my answer about me and him, and Harry and me. I need to let him be free of his feelings for me.

But what if he reacts badly... What if he―                                 

“Hey Sophie do you like carrots?”

The knife ghosts my fingers as I spin around brusquely, my heart beating loudly in my chest. The knife is shaking in my hand.

“You know... Big ones?” The Doncaster boy continues, amusement lacing his words.

“Oh my God Louis you almost gave me a heart attack you bastard. And I almost sliced my fingers off!”

The Doncaster boy chuckles, walking over to me. He steals one of my carrot cubes, plopping it into his mouth.

“So do you? More specifically, do you like boys who like girls who like carrots?”

“Louis, carrots jokes go back to your X-factor days... Don’t you think it’s a little far away?” I roll my eyes, before resuming my carrot cutting process.

“Maybe a little.” He shrugs. “By the way, what are you doing with a knife huh? With no one to survey you?”

“Zayn asked me to cut the veggies.” I answer simply.

 We stay quiet as I finish cutting up the orange vegetables, before placing them into the big bowl Zayn had pulled out minutes earlier. I feel Louis gaze on me.

“So are you gonna help me pretty boy or you don’t wanna dirty your diva hands?” I enquire, taking the tomatoes out of their container. He makes an insulted sound.

“You’re a sassy girl you know that?”

“Mostly around you.” I turn around, and wink.

He grins.

“Well love, I would’ve adored to help you make whatever you’re making with noodles and grapes, but I’m going to go take a shower. I need sometime alone to think.” He explains, stealing another carrot from the bowl.

“Stop touching my food.”

“I want to let you know that Eleanor and I are over... I ended it this morning.” Louis ignores me, munching on the cube.

“Why? Was it because of that stupid magazine?”

“No.”

“Louis.”

I look at him pointedly, pursing my lips as his hands dig into the bowl once more.

“Jeese you’re scary when you make that face.” He takes a step backwards, removing his hand from the bowl.

“Louis was the magazine the reason you and Eleanor broke up or...?”

“Well partly. Because for as far as I know, she hasn’t seen it yet, and she won’t see it at all if she moves back to her hometown, Manchester, just like she said she would. As soon as I saw one, I made sure to keep them out of her sight during our date this morning, and she said she didn’t look at her mail.”

“She’s moving away?” I enquire surprised, cutting more tomatoes.

“Yeah so I told her I’m not too fond of long distance relationships and she understood and we broke up. I’m single again!” He cheers. “Know what that means?”

“One night stands.” I say, placing a handful of tomatoes in the bowl.

“You think so low of me Sophie? C’mon.”

“Uh, you’re the one who practically knows everybody’s sexual kinks or whatever, and you cheated on Eleanor with me.” I bite back.

“Doesn’t mean I do one night stands.”

“You can’t blame me for thinking the opposite.”

“Ugh you’re so boring today. Too serious, and somehow frustrated after everybody? Something’s on your mind, I can tell. And it’s not only the magazine. Wanna come and shower with me? Take your mind of things?” he wriggles his eyebrows suggestively.

“Nope. My poor bum is still sore from yesterday bozo. And I have to watch the noodles.” I explain.

“You didn’t even put them in the pot yet.” Louis points out.

“I need to wait for the water to boil.”

“I know that. And I know the waters boiling right now.”

I look at the pot and indeed, bubbles are mounting up to the water’s surface.

“Ugh Louis go shower! You’re distracting me.” I huff, opening the macaronis and emptying the bag into the boiling water.

“Fine. See you in a few,” he sighs, leaving me alone in the kitchen once more.

 I take a spoon out and stir the pasta in the pot. I hear loud, angry steps storming through the house, as well as a door slamming. Wait, Louis can’t be that angry I didn’t want to shower with him, now can he?

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