Wanting What's Wrong

Two years have passed since Sophie Miller escaped. Two years since she was One DIrections private possession. Trying to get her life back to normal, Sophie heads to Mullingar. The boys of One Direction find her and drag her back into their messed up lives. Feelings start showing here and there, making Sophie confused. Is it really okay to start having feelings towards your kidnappers? Afterall, there is a very thin line between love and hate...


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20. Breakdown

I wake up drowsily to the sound of broken sobs. Heart-wrenching ones. Pushing the sheets away from my body, I stand up and listen carefully. The lamentations were coming from Niall’s room.

 I tip-toe silently to his door, and enter, without bothering to knock. Undoubtedly, he doesn’t notice me entering.

“Niall?” I question softly before gasping in shock. No. No. NO. This couldn’t be real. I’m in a nightmare. The scene in front of me is bloody horrific. Niall’s on his bed in a tank top and cotton pants, a razor in hands. My heart twists painfully in my chest as I watch him slice his wrists shakily, letting soft sobs escape his chapped lips after every cut. No, no!

“Niall!” I cry finally, jumping on him to push the razor out of his hands. “You can’t do that! You’re not allowed!” I blubber, holding his hands up to see if he did the cuts deep.

He looks up at me, eyes filled with tears.

“Why? Why can’t I do what you do?” He pleads holding my wrists.

“Because you’re Niall!” I whimper, my fingers sliding on his bloody carvings. Another choked sob escapes my lips at the realisation that this was really reality.

“So what if I’m Niall? You’re Sophie! MY Sophie! I don’t understand Soph....” He weeps, looking down at his arms. “Why would it be righter if it was you?” He sobs.

“Because you’re my Niall!” I protest as tears stung my eyes. “You don’t deserve this!”

“What about Harry? Is he your Harry? Or Louis? Or Zayn? Or Liam?” He goes on, his eyes flooding with more tears. “And you don’t deserve this more than I do!”

“I don’t care about them right now Niall! You’re my only preoccupation at the moment! Why did you start Niall?”

“I wanted to have something distinctive with you.” He responds looking away. Something unique that I’ll do only with him.

I grab his face kiss him, putting all my emotions into the kiss. Fear, frustration, care, love, confusion... all jumbled up into that one kiss. He replies to the kiss, also placing in his frustrations, his love and undoubtly his jealousy. He brings me closer, making me straddle his hips to leave as less space between us as possible. We stay like that for a long time, our tears mingling together at one point. I pull back to breathe.

“Now we have something special.” I whisper.

“How can you even do this to yourself?” He adds brokenly, holding his wrists in front of my face, ruining the moment. “I wanted to see if it’d do me good, like you say it does... but it doesn’t Soph! You need to realise this! It fucking hurts! You won’t diminish the mental pain with physical one! And even though you do, it won’t be for long! It comes back!”

The tears start streaming down my face again.

“Why do you do this to yourself?” Niall repeats persistently, also on the brim of tears.  “I just don’t understand!” He continues pulling his hair with his fingers. The movement makes the blood on his wrists slowly slide downwards and stain his shirt.

 I feel nauseous looking at it, so I end up grabbing his wrists and pulling them back to a horizontal position.

“Soph... I don’t understand why you do this to yourself.”

I look up and gaze into his teary orbs.

“There’s nothing to understand Niall.... It’s like Zayn’s smoking.” I snivel, wiping my tears with the back of my hand. “Its nasty habit that once it’s started, you always have to resort to it in order to prove a point. I cut because I can’t control the inside pain. I cut because I have the chance to control the outside one. It’s every dark feeling that results into cutting.” I continue. “If I’m feeling angry, sad, depressed, jealous, abandoned, miserable... I’ll automatically think of cutting.” I pause, closing my eyes as more tears stain my cheeks. I open them again to find Niall also crying silently in front of me. “Sometimes I resist the feeling, and others I’m too far gone to care. You don’t think clearly when you’re cutting... It’s just something that is done. A hideous habit.” I end, more tears gushing out of my eyes. “Why did you even think of starting Niall?” I ask quivering. “It’s so hard to stop!”

“I wanted to see if it really numbed the pain. The pain of seeing you do that. That’s the third time I see these freshly dug into your wrists Soph! You’ve gotta stop! I won’t do it again if you don’t either!” The Irish boy pleads, more tears forming on the edge of his eyes as his thumbs skim my various cuts and scars. “You’re hurting me more than you’re hurting yourself when you do that! And I’m sure it’s the same for the other boys! You’re hurting them way more than you’re hurting yourself!” He repeats, looking at me with pleading eyes. His tears menace to drop, but they don’t.

“They deserve to suffer....” I mumble to myself as I start playing with my fingers. Niall hears me.

“You are worth way more than us! Don’t make yourself pay the price for our mistakes!” He exclaims, thrusting his arms up in the air. My eyes couldn’t resist drifting to his wrists and I snap.

“They’re clearly not mistakes! Because people tend to learn from mistakes! You guys keep doing it!” I protest, giving him a shove to get away from him. What a brusque change of situation.

He clamps five of his fingers around my wrists, and uses the other five to hold me on his waist. “Soph―” He tries to calm me down, but I continue my rambling tears wetting my cheeks once more.

“Again and again! Modifying my train of thought and using me so I feel like an object! And it’s only the first full day I’m with you since two years! Do you realise how this will impact on the rest of my life? How much it already has?! I’m at a point where I’m questioning my sanity! And you want me to focus on school on top of that! Every person has a limit―!” I explode, before being completely surprised by a kiss. Niall’s lips were soft and careful on mine, as if he were afraid I’d break.

“Shhh... Love it’s ok... I get your point... I’ll talk to Harry yeah?” The blonde murmurs pulling back, placing a strand of hair behind my ear. “I think you need a companion... other than us. And a break from school.”

I inhale once, before bursting into more sobs on Niall’s chest.

“What’s wrong now?” Niall asks incredulous.

“Why is it Harry? Why is it always Harry? You’re older! And if I don’t go to school, I won’t be able to see Emily! I won’t be able to talk to somebody that’ll keep me sane! I can’t even text Ashley anymore because you guys have my cell phone! She must be worried sick! Oh god why? Why?! Why can’t I live on land with unicorns that shit butterflies and eat rainbows! Why can’t I have a normal life? Why?” I whine. I continue my babbling, not even trying to form words anymore after a couple minutes.

“Look Soph I―”

There’s a knock at the door but I keep blubbering nonsense in Niall’s blood-stained shirt.

“Wait a sec!” The Irish lad calls, before pulling away from under me carefully. I grab his pillow and start crying into it instead, having a major breakdown. He pats my hair and tucks me into his sheets before leaving the room at a fast pace.

Niall comes back, then opens the door leading to my room and shuts it again.

I hear voices whispering as I calm down my sobbing.

“Harry I don’t think she should go to school for the rest of the week. Plus we have to slack off the objectifying... Make her feel more human.”

“Why? Is she okay? Niall what happened? Why was she in your room?”

“She had a nightmare alright? And then she just went through major mood swings. I think she needs to talk to Ashley for awhile also...” The older boy lies smoothly.

“You think I should let her have her phone?!”

“Only for a couple minutes Hazz. She really needs them.”

“Someone would have to watch her. Plus, we have to go to school today. She has to go to school; she had detention planned for the rest of the week!”

“Hazz c’mon! You can arrange something yeah? I swear what we’re doing to her isn’t healthy! Have you even seen her this morning?!”

I hear a door open and I rapidly slow my breathing down, and turn my back to the door, curling into a ball around Niall’s pillow. I keep my gaze fixed on a spot on the wall.

“Soph?” Harry’s deep and concerned voice questions softly.

I stay silent and shut my eyes.

“She seems perfectly fine.”

“She can’t be fine after last night. Look, I think she’s sleeping. Let her be, this’ll only do her good.” Niall tells Harry and the latter shuts the door. I hear another door open, but it’s from farther away. Certainly not Niall’s room.

“Vas happenin? Hey where’s Soph?” Zayn’s voice is confused.

“Soph’s in my room, trying to get a little sleep.”

“She can’t stay home alone... She could harm herself again.” Harry continues on his train of thought. “Were gonna have to punish her about disrespecting that rule...” He sighs.

 I stay emotionless as I hear another door open. I recognize Liam’s graver voice.

“Hazz... Only you Zayn and Niall are needed at school today! The principal just called! So you guys better get ready now or you’ll be late!”

I hear Harry moan, clearly not wanting to go while Louis cheers from somewhere.

“See...She won’t be alone... Liam and Louis will stay here with her.” Niall states. “Just give them her phone with your instructions and we’ll all be fine.”

There’s a long sigh as well as mumbling. And then there was whispering as well as doors opening and water running from different areas of the house.

After a couple minutes, the door to Niall’s room opens and closes. The blonde kneels in front of me.

“Good you’re awake. Liam and Louis will be staying with you here today while Harry, Zayn and I will go to school and arrange your absences and do our ‘jobs’” He explains, air quoting ‛jobs’. “I want you to sleep alright? Get your needed rest and think about things.”

“Harry didn’t see your cuts?” I mumble.

“I went to wash the blood away when he knocked and I put a jumper on.” He brushes it off. “Look Soph... Do we have a deal? I don’t hurt myself and you won’t hurt yourself? You’ll fight the urge? Please.” He takes my hand into his and kisses my knuckles. “We’ll look over each other?”

I shut my eyes and nod faintly.

“Good. Now sleep princess.”

He kisses the top of my forehead and leaves. I hug his pillow tighter as soon as the door shuts, tears threatening to fall once more. How did I make him hurt himself...? Why do I hurt myself? Is it worth it? Is the pain I’m causing around me worth it?

My heart clenches at the very vivid memory of a broken Niall, slashing his wrists in a mechanical manner. His sobbing resonating clearly into my ears. Cuts and blood stains to prove it really happened. It is so horrible to notice that someone you care about is in pain. Even if they don’t care about you back, I consider, thinking about me and the boys situation. But somehow, I do care about the boys, I realise. I can’t deny it... I would cry a river if one of them died. A crushed sob escapes my lips. What are they doing to me...? What am I doing to them?

A faint memory of the face of Ashley when she learned about my dangerous cutting habits comes back to my mind. Then the one of Emily. Then the recent one of Niall. Harry. Zayn. Louis. Liam. They felt what I felt when I saw Niall...Powerless. Is the pain worth it? Do they deserve the pain I inflict? Why do I do this...? Such a horrible person...

I drift into slumber, face wet with new tears and an upsetting sense of guilt.

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