Wanting What's Wrong

Two years have passed since Sophie Miller escaped. Two years since she was One DIrections private possession. Trying to get her life back to normal, Sophie heads to Mullingar. The boys of One Direction find her and drag her back into their messed up lives. Feelings start showing here and there, making Sophie confused. Is it really okay to start having feelings towards your kidnappers? Afterall, there is a very thin line between love and hate...


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28. Attention

The rest of the week passed on pretty smoothly, the boys not touching me sexually. Not touching me at all in fact.

Louis had tried to persuade me into trying the blood kink, but I had firmly denied and he let it go after a few tries, to my great relief. Sure there were a couple other innuendos here and there, but that was it. It was comfortable, but I felt like the boys’ hormones had difficulty maintaining themselves to a low level, and it worried me. As the week went, they kept looking at me with envy, twitching uncomfortably when I was sat too close. The first two days weren’t bad, but it was nearing the third, fourth and fifth ones that sometimes, they had difficulty to stay in the same room as me. So I was the one who left the room, scared of the outcomes. Scared that they’d take me sexually. And then one day, I was alone for the full twenty-four hours. And then the next. And the other one. And so on.

Suddenly, they were trying to give me as much space as possible, the total opposite to first days where I had to be escorted everywhere I went. So I was left alone to play with Fate and Karma most of the time under the tree in the yard. And I was completely fine with that, but I missed being social. It’s not like a cat or a duckling can answer you right? They just stare at you with big eyes...

Some days I would just stay in my room with Karma, walking to the kitchen whenever I was hungry. Whichever boy or boys that was with me that day didn’t oppose. At first I was surprised, but then I just savoured the extra liberty. Plus, Zayn had managed to buy me even more freedom, asking Harry to remove the alarms on the washrooms so I could also go peacefully. They hadn’t removed the bells on the cupboards though and I was actually glad they didn’t. It prevented me from thinking about cutting because I knew that if I opened one of them, it’d ring and then the boys would come, scold me and place the restrictions back up again. I wanted to keep my freedom for as long as I could.

Niall made it hard not to think about cutting... I knew he kept stealing glances at my wrists now and then, but he always kept his hidden under jumpers or long-sleeved shirts, leaving me blind in ignorance. And it worried me, his broken face sometimes haunting my dreams. He just popped in and then out... and his eyes were what marked me the most.  They were sad, broken, lost. I just couldn’t get them out of my head, even when the dream version of one of the boys aroused me like hell.

My dreams always turned to be with the person I woke up with, but not once was I awakened with Harry or Niall by my side. They were the ones who went to bed with me, meaning the dream started with them, but it’d always finish with one of the other three boys. It was weird that out of the five boys, Niall and Harry had been the most distant. They were only there for the hormone injection, and then they sang me to sleep afterwards if they felt like it.

Zayn still didn’t want to show me his drawing, and for a strange reason, it frustrated me. I mean, it was only a drawing, but it still got to me. However, I tried to ignore it, due to the fact that he was the one spending the most time with me. Taking the time to know if all was alright and stuff. But why was he the one doing this? Harry could talk to me too. Niall, Louis, Liam were also capable of talking.

“Zayn... Why are you all so distant with me lately?” I’d questioned him one afternoon when he had decided to come around to chat in my room.

“Were not distant.” He denies.

“Then why don’t you guys come and see me, interact or something, for more than an hour?” I contradict.

“Well Harry has been feeling guilty and thinks it’s a good idea to let you some space. Niall is... complicated. Trying to sort things out alone. He doesn’t even talk to us. I really don’t know about Liam and Louis... but Louis seemed to say you didn’t like his demands and Liam is almost always at school because ‛his’ teacher is on vacation or whatever... I though, have found something to distract myself as I can’t use you as a distraction.” He shrugs. “Sorry.” He ends, giving me an apologetic look before leaving me alone once more.

He could use me as a distraction... Just not the one he’d like it to be. And even then, he isn’t like that anymore!

Something about his behaviour, was suggesting that he had started seeing Perrie again, and he was starting to fall the girl. We would occasionally brush the subject, and his eyes would gleam, a smile stuck on his lips.

Something about Louis and Liam too was different. And I bet that their situation was very similar to Zayn’s. Or at least starting to be. My period hadn’t allowed them to touch me intimately for a week, and it was all it took them to get their relief elsewhere. And I strongly doubt they would put their career in jeopardy by sleeping repeatedly with other random girls. It would frustrate fans to see them constantly making out. No, I really think they went and met a special someone. And I felt a pang of jealousy towards those girls. Because they’ll have the boy’s nice sides... while all I got was the most of their abusive ones.

My period lasted for a shorter time than said, but I didn’t tell them. I wanted to see when they’d snap. But they never did. Never even asked questions. I ended up being the one on the verge of breaking. Especially when they restrained me from going to school. Like at all. Couldn’t even call Emily to let her know I was fine... hell I didn’t even know if she was fine, with the boys roaming around the school. And then one day I shattered. I needed to talk to her... Talk to a human being for more than a couple seconds. I needed to make sure she was alright. Needed to know I could have attention.

It had been about after the second or third week, I had lost the count once they stopped dosing me with hormones, and I was alone at the house with one of the boys. Only one.  The other members of the band had woken early in order to go to school, and I had too, opening my eyes just as the front door shut to consent their exit.

I rapidly get out of my sheets and head into my closet, putting my uniform on for school.  I try recalling my academic schedule, but fail to do so. Groaning, I decide to pack my cheerleading stuff too just in case. Grabbing the bag in one hand and shutting the closet with the other, I sigh.

“Bye Fate.” I whisper to my kitten, patting her head before exiting.

“Whoever is with me today, I’m going to school!” I shout, passing through Zayn’s room and heading downstairs. “I can’t take being around this manor anymore!”

“No! Why?!” Niall shouts back from his room. I keep walking as his head his head pops out of his door a few seconds after, eyeing me up and down, blinking in fatigue. His eyes are dark rimmed. Clearly, I woke him up. He stood only in his boxers. “Why do you wanna go to school?” He says it like its poison in his mouth.

“I have to see Emily... I have to talk to somebody for more than five minutes Ni!” I explain without looking back, maintaining my way down the hall.

“And how’re you planning to go to school? By foot?” He challenges, running up to me as he struggled to get some pants on. He stops me, almost shoving me into the wall. His touch sent a pleasant feeling through my body. I blink a few times in surprise before answering.

“Hellllooo. I can drive. I’m eighteen.” I push his naked chest away, turning around to carry on downstairs.

“The boys took the only car.” He shakes his head, grabbing my wrist to make me face him again.

“You guys have only one c―” I stop in mid-phrase, incredulous. “This can’t be possible... Aww c’mon! You have a huge manor, with literally everything... but you guys don’t have two cars? I mean, that’s not even logic!” I start going in circles, avoiding looking at him into the eyes.

 I feel him standing tense beside me, probably expecting something violent from me. The truth was that I wanted to hit him. Hard. Or at least hit something. But I don’t, taking deep breaths instead.

“You are guys. Guys love cars technically.” I huff, crossing my arms over my chest before facing him, eyes sad. “Why can’t I go to school?” I ask him softly.

“There’s no car.”

“Ni please... You guys don’t even want to wake me up in the morning for me to go to school... I thought there was a rule about having average grades. How am I supposed to even do that if I don’t attend school?” I plea.

“The boys and I decided we wouldn’t impose you any rules anymore...So forget about the grades. And this new rule free policy is partially why you’re free to roam around in the house and you don’t have to pleasure yourself daily. And also because Zayn reported you said something about knowing that escaping would only get you in more trouble... So we thought we’d reward you with more freedom and alone time because you finally understood that escaping serves you no good.”

“You gave me too much! Too much freedom! It’s almost as if I lived alone in this mansion! But the point is, I need to talk to her! To Emily! I need to see her, make sure she’s okay... and I can’t ruin my future by not going to school! I’ll need a job or something when you’ll get tired of me!” I start freaking out, ugly scenarios forming in my mind.

“Soph. We’ll never get tired of you.” He shakes his head, before passing his hand into his hair in exasperation. “We’ll make sure to give you all the money you need for a full life, with us.”

“You won’t get tired of me?! Niall you guys are barely talking to me since three or four weeks! See, I’ve even lost the count! And you still aren’t touching me or talking to me whatsoever! How’s that not losing interest?! Zayn even had the time to catch up with Perrie... I bet they’re thinking about making their relationship official!” I start hyperventilating. “And what about Harry? Hmm? He barely even looks at me! Louis doesn’t dare have a word with me and Liam can’t even smile at me anymore! And you!” I poke his chest, making him stagger backwards in surprise. “You’ve been locked up in your room or at school or any place away from me all along! Doing I don’t know what!” I burst, tears stinging my eyes. I wipe them away before carrying on, “I need attention! A human’s one! I’m at a point where I won’t even mind if you start raping me again... because then at least I’d get something to make me feel alive!” I pause, continuing more calmly. “That’s why I need to go back to school... I can’t continue living so alone... I need family, friends, love, affection... You guys are making it hard for me not to resort to self-harming.” I add more quietly, on the brim of tears as I eye my scarred wrists. I had managed to keep it under control during the couple of weeks, but that didn’t mean the itch wasn’t there. I was proud I hadn’t done it, but I had nobody to share my pride with, as nobody wanted to talk.

My eyes slowly drift to his exposed wrists.

“You haven’t done it either?” I mumble, before looking up at him.

He looks at the ground, shaking his head. “Zayn kept me informed on what you were doing so as long as you didn’t do it, you kept me safe... Thank you.” He looks up at me, eyes avid with gratitude.

“It was nothing.” I murmur, before looking away awkwardly. He grabs my wrist, his other hand cupping my face to make me stare in his cerulean eyes.

“No it wasn’t nothing.” Niall denies, his thumb pad caressing my cheekbones gently. “And as a proper thank you, I’m gonna take you out of this house al’ight?”

“You’re gonna let me go to school?” I ask, voice full of hope.

“No...” He pauses and looks down, biting his lip in thought. His smile grows as he gets an idea. “I’m taking you on a day-long adventure.” He announces.

My hope drops, shoulders slumping. “You are finally gonna let me visit the whole house?” I try.

“Of course not love. I told you I’m taking you out of this suffocating manor.” He frowns.

“You don’t have a car.” I sigh.

“We’ll walk.” He shrugs. “Put some oxygen in your cells. Now go change into something more umm... comfortable. But it doesn’t have to be sporty... just get out of the uniform yeah? And make sure Fate has enough food for the day. I’m gonna call the boys and let them know what we’re doing, and I’ll take care of preparing the picnic.” He elaborates, pulling his phone out of nowhere as I head back to my room, a little overwhelmed.

Picnic? Fine with me, as long as you continue talking to me. But why a picnic.... Better yet, why this sudden change of behaviour?

Still a little confused, I head to my closet carefully, wondering what to wear. What month are we even in? Like then end of October or something? Should I wear something warm?

All the questions were giving me a headache so I ended picking up something to keep me warm. If it was too hot out, well then I could take off a few pieces of clothes... not like Niall would mind anyways. So I pull out a normal t-shirt, a pink and black varsity jacket, blue jeans and some supras to finish it off. I looked at myself quickly in the mirror stuck on the wardrobe door, frowning when I see my hair.

I walk to Zayn’s room and borrow a hairbrush and some hair bands, before heading back to my closet’s mirror. I sigh once I’m finished tying my hair up in a ponytail. “What now?” I mumble, looking at myself wearily.

“Sophie! You ready?! Come and meet me in the kitchen!” Niall’s Irish voice resonates through the house.

“Yeah... Coming down!” I shout back. I turn to Fate, who was currently looking at me from her basket in curiosity. “Bye again fur ball.” I smile, before exhaling loudly and going downstairs to meet Niall.

“I like your shoes,” he comments as soon as I enter the kitchen. I look down. Right, supras were his thing. Niall finishes putting some food into a backpack, and then takes me out the backyard. I take a good look at him from behind ... He seems thinner, his jumper and jeans almost floating on his body... Weird. He stops once were on the terrace. “Love you’re missin’ somethin’ to cover your head...” He realises, looking me up and down slowly. “Wait right here.” He instructs, slinging the backpack on his shoulder as he goes back in. I hear him run up the stairs. He comes back seconds later. “Here.” He places a snapback on my head. “It’s yours.” He says simply.

“Thanks... I guess.”

He smiles. “Now follow me. I’m gonna take you somewhere special...” He says as he takes me through the gate near ‘my’ tree, making us get out of the half-circle of hedges. We start walking through the field, heading for the forest at the far end.

“Is it far?” I question once we’re half-way through the field. “That place you wanna take me to?”

“Why? Are you already tired?” He chuckles.

“No... I’m just trying to make a conversation.” I counter.

“Okay then, no it’s not far. Maybe a 5 kilometer walk? Give or take a few meters.” He answers.

“Sooo... What have you been doing, sulking alone for all these days?” I ask once we’re at the edge of the forest. He makes us enter and follow the dirt trail.

“It’s not important Soph.” He brushes it off, jumping over a very large root. He turns around and helps me over it.

“Yes Niall, it’s im―” I try once I’m back on the solid ground.

“No Soph. It’s not.” He silences me

“Fine then.” I give up. “It’s not my problem anyways.”

He sighs, but continues walking. “Sophie why are you so curious about what all of us are doing these days? We thought your life would be better without us around. We gave you everything, but spared you of our presence once we realised you didn’t want it.”

“When did you think I didn’t want it? I did want it Niall... But I was on my period... It’s normal to shut some people off no? Especially horny ones. I was scared!”

“But you didn’t even give us a chance to control ourselves! You left the room without saying a word!” He bursts. “Truth was... most of the time we were shaking out of nervousness! We’re not used to talking normally to girls for more than a couple minutes... We’re not used to do long talking that won’t lead to a hook-up whatsoever!”

“You boys have sisters and mothers... You know what it’s like to talk naturally about regular things with a girl.” I contradict.

“No because we can’t think about sisters or mothers sexually! It’s not right. We can’t think about kissing them or something like that!”

“And you guys can’t think of me as a sister?” I try.

“I personally can’t....I think Zayn’s the one who manages it best.... but I can’t! You have no idea how hard it is to see you being toyed with by another guy, even when it’s one of the lads...my almost brothers... the times where I just wanted to make you feel good and love you, have you all to myself...But I can’t do that. Because Harry’s in the picture. And something’s going on with you two and―”

“S’okay Niall...I get it. Let’s not just talk about this subject anymore...” I calm him.

He very visibly loosens up. “Let’s not talk at all shall we? Might avoid unnecessary arguments.” He mumbles loud enough for me to hear, without giving me a second glance. 

We then pursue our walking without talking much, to my great dismay. So I tried to push the rejection away by looking at the auburn turning forest.

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