Dear Devin,

Well, this is everything that I want to say to Devin but will never have the courage to...

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1. Devin

May 12, 2013

Dear Devin,

So you're never gonna see this. But you freaking consfuse me and it kind of makes me mad... Like on Friday-- no wait, lets start from the beggining. 5th grade. I liked you. You liked me. We didn't know that we liked each other. I left for APA and I still liked you. I told all my friends I like "my best friend at Northside." And K.C. told me you were dating Zoe Henderson and I got kinda sad. I remember K.C. said she would NEVER want you two to split up and she didn't want me to come between that. I talked to Sami everyday on the phone and everyday I told her to tell you I said hi. And one day I saw you at Wal-Mart, but I was too afraid to say hi or anything so I just walked away. I do regret that. And anyways, the first day of school this year, I was waiting in line for tech, thinking it was the usual boring people. But then you turned around and smiled at me. I remember having this HUGE smile on my face and looking like and idiot. We would talk everyday on our way to lunch after Tech. I miss that. Ok so skip forward a few. At lunch one day Gracie and Ashlynn told me you were dating Donica. I said that I was happy for you. But I remember going home and listening to "More Than This" on repeat. I would sing along to the chorus and a few tears slid down my cheek. That was the first, of many, times I cried over you. Ok so fast forward a little more. You and Donica broke up. I was sick from school one day. I told Gracie to ask you if you were dating Mattie Jackson. She said the answer to the question was no. But then she told me that you told her you liked me. You have no clue how happy I was to hear that. I litterally jumped up and like danced around I was soooo flippin happy. I thought that I actually had a chance with you! But I was mistaken. February 1st. Harry Styles' birthday! That was supposed to be a fun day for me. I was walking to Science and Gracie came up to me. I remember the exact words she said. "Ari, you're my best friend right? Like you will love me no matter what right? You would never be mad at me right?" I was really worried that the news that I dreaded was coming. Gracie had to go to her next class and she couldn't tell me then. She said she'd tell me in Health. But when she was walking into her class she said "Don't believe anything Jasmine tells you!" I was worried sick in Science and all the periods following it. It was Health. Gracie sat next to me and told me. She was dating you. I faked a smile and acted soo happy for her. I remember I FAILED the health test that day. Then we went to our lockers and Isaac noticed the tears forming in my eyes. I ran to the bathroom and cried on Alisha's shoulder. I spent all study hall fighting back tears, knowing that everyone was looking at me. I cried myself to sleep many nights following that. You sat with Gracie and me at lunch for 9 LONG weeks. It was so hard to fake a smile through that. Especially seeing you guys hug everyday after school. Then you broke up with Gracie for Katie. She was devestated. I was devestated. We cried together. When you and Katie started dating you said you still had feelings for me. Then Katie broke up with you. You looked devestated. And about a weeks passes, it's Friday! Gracie was at nationals for archery and I was at school. In Tech we were watching the powerpoint at Lt. Dietrich's desk and I leaned back. You were apparently behind me. So my back was to your chest, and you didn't move. That feeling, I thought that you liked me like I liked you. At the end of the day we had to take down the flag. We were short a person so I suggested you. When you passed, me, K.C., and Vickie all said "Devin! We need you!" But what you didn't hear was after we said that I whispered, "I need you. Why can't you just feel the same?" to myself. We took down the flag and I don't remember what you were doing but you said "I only do this because I love you." I felt so happy. Then when K.C. and Vickie went into Mrs. Isom's room it was just you and me walking. I came to Mrs. Mills' room. You stopped, put one hand on my back, and put your other arm out, guestering me to walk in the door. That's the side I love about you. Then come Saturday I couldn't stop thinking about you. I remember me trying to say what I felt about you but words couldn't describe it. Then when I woke up today I had a text waiting on me. It was from Gracie. It said you were dating Mattie Jackson. And I was sad. Then you were rude to Gracie on facebook just telling her and saying bye right after that. But I mean, I get it. Mattie's prettier, skinnier, funnier, BETTER than me. She has long brown hair. My hair's layered weird and doesn't know if it wants to be brown or blonde. Mattie wears makeup to cover up her flaws. I have too many flaws to even cover up. I completely understand. Don't worry, I would choose her over me too...

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