It's like a diary but it's not

It's like a diary but it's not is about the life of James Duke. He writes all of his events in a book describing his feelings about his annoying friend Harry, his cow of an ex-girlfriend Susan, his maniac mother and his loving girlfriend Mary.

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3. 31st October

Harry's party was today, you know the party I was so looking forward to the last few days, Halloween parties are for little kids not for a 35 year old  I skulked through the doors hand in hand with Mary Poppins, shoulders heavy like a giant bird called Embarrassment was resting on them. Many familiar eyes staring at me; then Harry Potter with his badly drawn scar, which I think was drawn on with lipstick and wearing those ridicules glasses, his dark hair styled in spikes with hair jell and wearing a cheap Hogwarts costume, came at me waving his wand that cast a spell of shame around me that would last a year or maybe even longer, "Well if it isn't Mr Barry and Mary Poppins" My first thoughts were "OH GOD! SHUT UP! Do I have to put up with this all night long as if this isn't torture enough" but I had to put my mask on so I simply said "Its Bert, Mr Potter, oh wait a minute it’s my friend Harry sorry mate got confused, really good costume by the way" really cheesy I know but Harry just seems to take it as a compliment unfortunately he had to reply with this "Thanks mate hey yours is good to Bertie" BERT, BERT, BERT! Then with an adjustment of his glasses he was gone and so was my babysitter. I found her by the buffet table drinking some punch, Mary is not really a drinker (I am however, it’s how I get through the day), so whenever we go out to a party she is the designated driver,  Harry has set out two different drinking stations one booze-free the other  chock full of alcohol, Mary was drinking some punch over at one table so I went to drink at the other table (the one with alcohol), as I drank the fruity, sweet liquid my taste buds picked up no trace of alcohol. I was at the wrong station, I have to have some booze to pass the time so I tried to explain to Mary that she was drinking the alcoholic drink but all she said was “No it’s not, I know alcohol when I taste it.” So it was that whole your right I’m wrong routine (even though I am right).

I’m doomed for the remaining  2 hours I have here at this lame, rundown party; public humiliation and no booze to drown my sorrows so I can never remember this awful public holiday event. What seems like hours are actually minutes ticking away slowly on the clock, I have to admire Mary, and how she manages to have a good time at a party without a drop of alcohol. My night just got worse. Susan, my ex-girlfriend, arrived. She was dressed as a witch, suited her really, her bleached blonde hair flying in the air  (she has gotten younger since the last time I saw her) dragging along behind her was Liam (the world’s biggest loser he was even more annoying than Jedward) He is the sort of grown up geeky kind, you know the target for bullies at high school, huge round glasses, skinny body and neatly parted hair split down the middle of his head in a straight line not a hair out place every strand greased down, he was dressed as Frankenstein, his  face painted green with stitches painted on, metal bolts glued to his neck. I suppose the only real reason she is with him is because he has money, I really don’t know what he sees in her she must have used her bewitching looks to put him in a trance, many a man has been fooled by her charm and fake breasts even me but I was clever enough to escape, she is just too possessive it isn't healthy. "Hi James how are you, still writing in that diary?" Even she knows how much I hate that word she does it deliberately. It’s not a diary it’s a book. It’s like a diary but it’s not, but I didn't want to say that instead I just said "Yes" so not too satisfy her craving of watching me go nuts, but then of course Liam had to say those words that annoy me just as much "Writing in a diary isn't that a bit of a girl thing" I swear it was like they wrote a script and rehearsed it for weeks just so they can see my face go red like Tinkerbell  there is nothing girly about writing in book saying what you did on that day and how you felt doing what you did on that day; to be honest Bridget Jones set the image that a diary belongs to a women so thanks for nothing Renee Zelweger. I wanted to go apple bobbing and leave my head under there.

"Hey isn't that your girlfriend being sick over there?" Susan said, what she meant to say was “You dumped me for that" she was miming it with her Pete Burns lips and clipped clopped away on her stilettos. Leaving me to deal with the women who changed Harry Potter in to Ron Weasly, Mary Poppins turned in to sickie Vicky at least it gave me an excuse to leave early.

Note to self: Ask Harry why he invited the Plastic Surgery witch.

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