It's like a diary but it's not

It's like a diary but it's not is about the life of James Duke. He writes all of his events in a book describing his feelings about his annoying friend Harry, his cow of an ex-girlfriend Susan, his maniac mother and his loving girlfriend Mary.


21. 10th January

Two days in and I am already considering to kill that cat, I had to sleep on the sofa last night because I was forced out of bed by that devil. Mary went out shopping, I begged her to take me with her but she said someone has to be home to look after the cat, “You’ll be fine.” Famous last words; you know phrases like that have been in nearly every horror film I have ever seen, the actors always say something like “It’s going to be alright” right before they are killed. When Mary left I decided to make myself a tuna sandwich, as I was making it I looked around for the beast, but I couldn’t find that ginger haired rug anywhere, I had the urge to play the ‘Jaws’ theme music and name the cat Claws because I know he is going to come out of nowhere. Hating the fact that he was nowhere to be seen I continued to make my sandwich with extra caution. I put the kettle on so I could make myself a cup of tea placing my sandwich in front of me so I can keep an eye on it, whilst I waited for the kettle to boil, the bubbling water started to make my bladder boil, I desperately needed to use the bathroom but I didn’t want to leave my sandwich unguarded.

I couldn't hold it in any longer, I dashed for the bathroom to relieve myself, once I flushed I realised what I had just done, I have left my tuna sandwich unprotected while that feral beast remains hidden.

 I speed walked to the kitchen to find my sandwich had vanished there was nothing left but crumbs, that little hairball ate my sandwich.

James vs. Fluffy

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 But I told myself “No don’t get mad and don’t kill that cat, remember what happened when you accidently flushed Mary’s goldfish down the toilet, she will be even more upset if you flushed her sisters cat down the toilet.” So I decided to make myself another sandwich, but when I opened the bread bin, there were no slices of bread left. I had to settle for a bag of crisps. I poured myself a cup of tea and headed for the front room so I could watch TV. I walked through the kitchen arch only to stop dead in my tracks, I saw the tabby terror sitting in my spot glaring at me. That little rat is in my space, that seat cushion has molded perfectly to my bum and there is a small end table next to it so I can put my cup of tea down. I moved one step and the thing hissed at me, his eyes monitoring my every move, I know cats can’t talk but I knew what he was saying, his eyes tell you everything; his pupils were thin and narrow, devil like, they were saying “When I get the chance I’m going to for your throat” I watched him carefully as I slowly walked across the room towards the small armchair, tensing my muscles so I would be prepared to punch him into the wall if he should attack, I told him with my eyes “If I ever had the chance I will turn you into a tea cozy.” He seemed to have understood my threat and he violently hissed at me. I sat down in the small, hard, tight armchair and placed my tea on the coffee table. I looked around for the remote control I searched everywhere for it, I flung the pillows off the chair emptied draws when it hit me, I looked directly towards Fluffy, and a black rectangle was sticking out from under his belly. He looked at me mockingly his eyes still narrow but his body was more relaxed lying on top of my remote. I wouldn't dare take him hands on because he would gladly rip them off.

That cat is smart. Not animal smart, but Jurassic Park’s velociraptor smart. The TV is on standby, so I need the remote to turn it on, I can’t turn it off then on again because my TV’s funny, if I turn it off then on again it will still be on standby. I need to find a way to get him off my remote, but the question is how?

So I tried to trick him. I went in the fridge and took out the remaining tuna and mayonnaise paste walked into the front room and made it really obvious that I had some tuna in the bowl, walked out of the room while I was eating the tuna in slow motion; I placed the bowl in the center of the roomy cupboard that held all of Mary’s clothes (it was her own walk in wardrobe) and left the door a jar. I closed my bedroom door loudly so the cat would think I went to bed. I quietly opened the door and peered through the small gap so I can spy on my victim. A few seconds later Fluffy came out he peered round the corner, like a deer making sure that the cost was clear before it came out into the clearing, and sneaked into cupboard. I was a quite as mouse, and tiptoed towards the cupboard, peeked through the door to see if he was distracted by the tuna. He was busy guzzling the fish down his throat, so I slammed the door behind him.

James vs. Fluffy

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Victory is mine; I turned the TV on and watched the remaining 45 minutes of my programme. However the cat started meowing, so I just turned the TV up. Mary wasn't too happy when she came home to find the cat locked up in the cupboard. She picked him up and started to mollycoddle him. She talked to him as if she were talking to a baby. “What did the nasty man do to you?” She made me apologize to the cat. I could see the smug look on his face, who ever said that animals were dumb clearly hasn't experimented on this cat.

James vs. Fluffy

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