im not afraid

im 17, short, long blackish brown hair, big emerald eyes, i live for one direction, i never thought i would get the chance to meet those 5 beautiful boys, but i did.

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21. I hate myself

"I know your home." Zayn yelled from my door, I told him I'd be with Colton but he came over anyways. I closed my eyes and tried desperately to disappear. Finally I gave in and opened the door. "I get it!" Zayn yelled as he walked into my house, I stayed silent. "You don't want a physical relationship, you want emotional." He paced back and forth, running his hands through his hair. " I want physical. And if you can't give me that were done, maybe in a few months when your ready or what ever but for now were done. Unless you want to bang an have a blast were done."  He yelled, my heart broke. I love him. A lot. And he's doing THIS of all things he's doing THIS. I need to make a choice, stay with the guy of my dreams even if it means doing things I don't want to, or break up with him. 
I took a deep breath and walked to him, dropping to my knees.

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I hate myself.
That's the only thing I can think, I hate myself. Zayns naked in my bed next to me, asleep, and Im wide awake, bawling. He's using me and I'm letting him. I hate myself. I have to work for him tomorrow. Not excited. I grabbed my phone off the bedside and was going to call Colton to talk but Zayn rolled ontop of me. "Hello. My little sexual spider monkey." He mumbled, checking me out.
"Hi..." I whispered. Setting my phone back down, thinking of an excuse to get up. "I need to study... Big exam tomorrow." I lied, praying he will let me.
"You don't need all day..." He argued in a whiny voice.
" i sorta do..." I mumbled, feeling gobsmacked at his actions.
"Fine." He pushed off me and I sighed silently in relief. When I grabbed my bra and panties from the floor and dressed he stopped me before I could put on a shirt or pants.
"Zaaaaayn." I whined, stomping my feet like a little kid. He threw his shirt at me,
"Go study." He grabbed my ass and kissed me quickly, giving me a push to the door.  Have I mentioned I hate myself? 
I grabbed the home phone and went thin to Colton's room, locking the door behind me. I dialled his number and heard it ring.
"Hello?" A new voice answered, never heard it.
"Um. Hi? Is Colton there?" I asked, feeling confused.
"Actually he's out with friends, I'm his roommate Wesley ." The guy said.
"Oh ok.." I muttered, unsure of what to say.
"Are you maybry? Your brothers always going on about you." Wesley stated, 
"Ya that's me. I just wanted to talk to him but I guess I'll see him when I'm up there next weekend...." I trailed off hearing Zayn knock on Colton's door.
"Stop lying to me may... Your on the phone with that walker kid aren't you?" He roared, zayns changed a lot in the past day or two. 
"Who's that?" Wesley asked, I took a deep breath.
"My boyfriend, ill see you next weekend tho!" I ended the call and stood, walking to the door and letting Zayn in. "Hey baby." I said in a sweet girly voice.
"Who were you talking to?" He hissed, walking to the phone.
"Colton." I lied, i wanted to talk to Colton but Wesley answered.
"Stop lying to me." He snapped, hitting redial and the speaker button.
"Hello? Maybry?" Wesley said, zayns eyes narrowed.
"This is her boyfriend. Who is this?" Zayn asked In a calm voice.
"Colton's roomate, maybry just wanted to talk to him, he's out so I asked if she wanted me to take a message. She said she only loves her boyfriend Zayn and would never ever cheat on him." Wesley lied for me, I hid my smile from zayn. I like this kid, he's cool.
"Ohkay thanks." Zayn ended the call and looked at me. "Sorry." He apologized and kissed me quickly. "I've been acting crazy these past few days. Just what you said to Niall has really been getting to me. If you catch me you can have me. It reminded me that you've been with him before and I got jealous. I don't only want physical, I really like you." Zayn stated, Im not sure why but I fell into his arms.
"So... Your not just using me?" I asked, feeling hope swell in my chest.
"no." He replied, "I will never use you." He promised, kissing me.

 

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