im not afraid

im 17, short, long blackish brown hair, big emerald eyes, i live for one direction, i never thought i would get the chance to meet those 5 beautiful boys, but i did.

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11. Can't keep doing this

"Morning beautiful." Niall greeted as I opened my eyes, I blinked a few times And my eye settled on the plate of pancakes infront of me.
"What's this?" I asked, feeling hungry.
"I made you breakfast." He stated handing me the plate, I quickly picked a pancake up and ate it, and than another one. But that's it. Only two pancakes.
"Mm. Thanks nialler." I whispered kissing him again, his hands trailed up my sides, he's probably thinking how fat I am. I broke the kiss and stood. "I'll be right back. I have to use the washroom!" I jogged past my bathroom and went to the big one in my parents room, locking the door behind me I walked to the toilet and kneeled. I can do this. I'm fat. I need to do this! I stuck my fingers into my mouth and felt myself puke. EW. Atleast ill look good! I quickly flushed the toilet and rinsed my mouth with mouth wash.
I walked back into my room and grabbed some clothes. Dressing infront of Niall, I've been dating him for a few weeks. He can handle seeing me in my knickers, I sucked in as I pulled off my pajama shirt, not wanting him to see my fat. When I yanked on my huge Mac miller shirt I tied up the side loosely, yanking on some jeans.
"Your so beautiful." Nialls hands touched my waist, I'm not beautiful. I'm fat. Really fat.
"No I'm not....." I whispered too quiet for him to hear.
"I love you." Niall stated, kissing my neck.
"I love you too Niall..." I turned and pressed my lips to his, starting to deepen it. His arms wrapped around me , backing us up and pushing me onto the wall, kissing me more. I love this boy. I'm just afraid to sleep with him because what if he leaves me. What if he sees me for the tubs I am, I can't let that happen. I broke the kiss and hugged him, ruining the moment by muttering that nigal wants us to meet up with him later.
"We're not. We. Are. Not." Niall snapped as I state that were going to Lunch with nigal. "Why can't you hate him!?"
"I want to tell you a story." I stated laying down with Niall.
"Ok." 
"When me and nigal dated the first time it lasted a day. I loved him. I fell for him right away, he was my perfect match. When you hurt a girl she yours forever. He hurt me in so many ways. He was my first and the next day he dumped me. We had a strong thing going for a few weeks, one night durring that time we were at a party an he got really drunk, I called him a douche and he slapped me. I figured I deserved it, so I didn't tell anyone. The next day he was mad because his mom told him he couldn't smoke in the house and he hit me again. He hit me nearly everyday until I had the strength to end it. But even after that we dated again and he treated me right, but then broke my heart again. He still calls me perfect, tells me he wants me back, calls me his baby, tells me I'm beautiful. Makes me feel good about myself." I whispered.
"Wow. I'm going to fucking kill him." Niall snapped.
"Don't. He was my first legit love. He will always have a part of me." I muttered kissing Niall. "But right now I'm yours. I love you allot." I whispered, kissing him more.
"I don't want to pressure you but.. I want I make love to you." Niall stated, I felt a butterfly army get released in my stomach. 
"Go for it." I hate how I made it seem like it's no big deal. I'm having sex with Niall horan. Niall James fucking horan.


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"I'm just a teenage dirtbag baby." I sang under my breath as I washed the soap off my hands. 
"Listen to iron maden maybe with meee." Niall sang from behind me, 
"You just made me sound like a dying cat." I giggled, flicking my fingers at him, sending drips of water all over his shirt.
"You did not just do that." He chuckled, wetting his hands and splashing me. I screamed and filled a glass of water. "Don't." Niall warned stepping away.
"I'm done, with the water fight.." I lied taking a small sip of the water. "Come here." I ordered, turning to look in the mirror. Niall rested his chin on my shoulder and looked at me through the mirror I quickly turned and dumped the water on his head.
"Oh I'm going to get you now." He joked picking me up and turning on the shower. I screamed as he set me down under the head.
"Can you shut up?" Colton yelled. I rolled my eyes and stepped out of the shower, dripping water everywhere.
"I want a hug." I stated grabbing Niall and pulling him to me.
"I'm all wet now!" Niall laughed, I grinned.
"That's what she said!" I yelled, we both started laughing for a few minutes.
"Can I borrow some of Colton's clothes?" Niall asked, looking down at his drenched shirt.
"I'll go grab somestuff." I stated, turning and walking from my room, leaving a trail of water after Me.
"What are you doing?" Colton asked as I entered his room.
"Grabbing Niall some clothes." I stated walking to his dresser, the top drawer had Boxers and condoms. I snatched a pair and a few condoms.
"Put those back. You don't need them." Protective older brother.
"I'm getting it in. Get over it." I joked grabbing a pair of joggers. "I guess he can go shirtless." I joked again walked from Colton's room and throwing the clothes at Niall.
"What are these?" He asked, pointing to the condoms in my hand.
"Balloons." I replied sarcastically, peeling off my shirt and sweats. I need to change my bra... Shit. I grabbed a new one from my closet and quickly changed them, standing awkwardly looking for a new shirt and pants.
"I'm hhhuuuunnnngggrrrryyyy" Niall whined, I rolled my eyes.
"Your always hungry." I replied, pulling a shirt over my head and turning to see Niall slip on the boxers.
"And you never eat." He stated, stepping towards me and pulling me into a hug.
"I do." I lied.
"I'm going to go buy some McDonald's... Ill be back." He pulled on the joggers as he left my room.

 


I forced myself to swallow the last bite of my burger.
"I have to go to the bathroom!" I stated standing and walking to the closest one, closing the door and kneeling infront of the toilet and puking up my lunch.
"What the hell." Colton stood in the doorway a horrified expression on his face. I quickly flushed the toilet and stood, walking to the sink and rinsing my mouth. "Maybry. What are you doing?" Colton knows. He always knows what's happening.
"I'm not well." I lied weakly.
"Maybry. Why did you do that?" Tears are filling my eyes. 
"I'm fat. If I didn't it would make it worse." I stated, glancing in the mirror and seeing what a wreck I am.
"Niall!" Colton yelled, I spun to face him.
"Dont. Please don't. He will break up with me Colton." I begged, tears sliding down my cheeks. Niall walked up to us, his perfection making me feel worse. "Colton... Please." I begged, more tears falling freely.
"What happened?" Niall asked, walking into the washroom and looking at me.
"Maybry made her self throw up." Colton stated, Niall grabbed my shoulders 
"WHY!?" He yelled, looking me in the eyes.
"I'm fat". I replied.
"No. Your not. Your perfect and I love you maybry." He leaned down and kissed me, making It last. When we pulled away I felt hunger hit me. I could eat a mint or two. To tide me over. I grabbed one from the top drawer and popped it into my mouth. "You can't keep doing this. Maybry. Are you listening to me?" Niall waved a hand infront of my yes and I blinked a few times. "I said you can't keep doing this to yourself. It's not healthy." He lectured.
"If you don't stop I'm calling mom." Colton threatened. My eyes lifted to meet his and to see that he's dead serious.
"I'm sorry? Is that what you want to here? Because I'm not. I'm fine with it. I'm not sorry for helping myself become thin." I snapped, Niall grabbed my shoulders and shook me.
"Maybry I love you too much to let you do this to yourself." He whispered, pressing his forehead to mine. I melted into him, I love this boy.
"I'll stop." I lied, if I don't let them find out than they have no may of knowing if I did or not.  


----
Niall kissed me and turned to leave, driving away. I jogged up to my room and putting some some loud musis, Colton won't be able to hear. I walked into my bathroom and turned on the water but kneeled infront of the toilet and did it again and again. I stepped into the shower, letting the burning hot water soak through my clothes. I don't feel like I need to care about anything. Nialls the only good thing in my life that's not forced to be with me, Colton's the other good thing but he's my brother so it doesn't count. I felt myself start to cry, Im not even sad... Why am I crying? 
"May!?" Colton opened my bathroom door and looked at me, shaking his head. "What are you doing?" He stepped and turned off the water.
"I don't know." I whispered, crying.
"I'm calling Niall." He stated, he can't call Niall. 
"Don't. I don't want to bother him. Call someone else if you have to. Noone from one direction." I snapped walking into my room and trailing water everywhere. I grabbed my pajamas and pulled them on, rolling my eyes at Colton who's yelling at me. His voice got louder but no words resister. I know he has my best interest in mine but I don't know why he needs to yell.
"I'm calling Morgan." Colton's words confused me.
"Why?" I ask.
"Because. She always sends some sense into you" he snapped, grabbing my phone.
"Hey. Ya. Come on over." Colton said into the phone.

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