Silence Lost


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1. Silence Lost

They found his body, mangled in the wreck by the roadway

And I, his companion, was told the following day

Having seen the wreck on the news, nameless, not recognizing the vehicle distorted as it was

In the darkness against the trees

And I denied all thoughts of his mortality

But scrambling at his absence and calling his home, I was told the truth

I cried; one of the few, and was sent duly home to grieve

The funeral being set for a week after the crash

Giving us all time to make sense of our humanity, and discern what best to say in his memory

I was crushed by his loss though nobody understood

Truly; nobody understood, and even I got confused, but got him more than most

They all disliked him, thought him rude, arrogant, selfish even

But I knew the real him unhindered by fear and nerves and anger

I had seen him cry for my sake, and had cried for his

And though I think our mutual suffering played off one another, on the whole he made me happy

Though his paranoia hurt me, and his depression depressed me

I accepted his injured mind, beautiful, and for that he loved me

My mother said it was good, said he was toxic to me

But without him I spent a loathing week of starvation in my bed, reeling

Save one day, when I was forced to work, and did so in silence

At the funeral, only half in attendance actually wept,

Not for him but for his parents’ sake

The mother sobbing violently silently in the corner by the coffin

His father sitting drunken red-faced single-tear on bloated cheek

His mother talked of his loving nature, his desire to give love and be loved, his difficulty

My mother, I could tell, didn’t buy it, still thinking him a vain disease

His mother talked of his pain, his isolation, turned to the coffin and apologized

His father declined to speak

I was asked to do so, and did, shedding a tear talking of his love for me and desire to help

Of his injured mind, which I felt I understood

I saw the tears stop, for he was silence, and nobody grieves the loss of silence

Nobody misses a toxin

Nobody cries for a monster

Nobody mourns a stranger

He was a stranger to all, all but me

I alone here am crying for the actual him

There are mutterings afterwards

Mutterings he did it on purpose, accelerated into the trees and let them take him

I ignore them and hide in the bathroom with a glass of wine

Crying now for the plans we made, the romantic, naïve plans

Which he always thought I didn’t want, but I did, more than anything

His mind was in a race with reality and his mind always won…

I know he didn’t kill himself.  I know he wouldn’t do this to me.

I know he loved me more than himself, and kept himself here for my sake

I know he wouldn’t have abandoned me here

Here

Here in this world I hate just as much as him, but went through the motions while he rejected it

His silence was his discourtesy to others; maybe that’s how he felt them out, to see if they understood

To me, his silence was his gift

When I could lie in his arms and he in mine and without talking we knew we were in love and nothing could separate us

Maybe it was youth. ..

Silence by yourself is loneliness

Silence with another is true friendship

 

 

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