I Just Want to be Loved *Completed*

When Brittany's mum get's remarried, she got a surprises when she finds out who her new step brothers are. When she starts living with one of them and his friends, and starts 'dating' one of them, she starts to question herself. Was her life to complicated? What's going to happen when her past catches up with her? Will Louis ever tell her his secret? Are one of the boys going to fall for her? What will Liam do when she becomes known as 'Mummy Direction'? And most importantly, will the boys be understanding about her past and help her in the future?

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73. I'm Sorry

 

Buzz Buzz Buzz

 

The calendar on my phone was going off, just like it had a year ago. August fourth.

Things had changed so much in the past year.

I just stared at the calendar alert as tears fell down my face, and eventually the buzzing woke Louis up.

“What’s  wrong love?” he asked and wrapped his arm around me.

“He’d be four,” I whispered and I turned of the notification, put my phone on the nightstand and turned so my face was in Louis’ chest.

“It’s okay,” Louis whispered and ran his fingers through my hair.

“I miss him. I miss him so much,” I cried and Louis tightened his arms.

It’s okay, it’ll all be okay. Just go back to sleep,” he whispered and I nodded.

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*****

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When I woke up again, Louis was gone. My face was wet from tears, and more were pouring over every second.

I couldn’t bring myself to move, so I just laid in bed for a few minutes thinking.

Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett.

 Why did he have to die? I missed him so much! Why did Jake have to walk into my room and find me that day? Why couldn’t he have just showed up two minutes later? Why couldn’t I have just died then and be with my baby now?

People keep telling me that I’ll get over him, or that everything will one day be better, but their wrong.

Nothing will ever be better. I’ll live the rest of my life wanting to see his beautiful face just one more time.

I’ve talked to mothers who’ve had to bury their children, but I could tell that they were lying when they said that they’ve come to peace with it. I could tell that they were all dead inside.

And those women had only lost two babies. I’d lost three. It was unfair.

I stood up, and I walked out of my room. When I got to the kitchen, I saw Harry eating lunch.

“Why are you crying?” he asked me.

“No reason,” I replied as I wiped my eyes and walked out the door.

“Britt,” Harry said as he stood up and ran out after me, “what wrong?”

“Nothing,” I told him and I tried to keep walking to my car, but Harry put his hand on my shoulder and turned me around.

“Brittany, please, tell me,” he said as I shoved me face into his chest and sobbed.

We stood there one the sidewalk for a few minutes. My arms were around him, and his arms were around me. One hand was stroking my hair to try and call me down, but it wasn’t working. Harry wouldn’t let me move and he kept whispering, “It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay,” over and over again.

After a few minutes, I pushed him away and moved over to my car.

“I’ve got to go,” I told him. My eyes were still full of tears. I got into my car, not caring if it was safe to drive in the state I was in, and headed off.

When I got there, I got out, and started walking down the rows that I had walked down with Louis a few months before. When I got to the right one, I went down it, and stopped after about sixty feet. There was an empty area of about five feet on one side, another stone, and another five feet on the other.

I kneeled down in front of Brett’s grave, and tears fell faster than ever.

“Happy fourth birthday, Sweetheart. I miss you. Mummy misses her little Bretty Boo,” I said to the grave in the same voice that I used to talk to him in.

“Mommy loves her little Bretty Boo.” I couldn’t stand using my baby voice. It just brought back to many memories and just made me cry harder.

“Brett,” I said to him, my voice full of tears, “I miss you so much. You can’t even imagine how much I miss you right now. I just want you back!” I sobbed. “I would do anything to bring you back.”

“I wanted to watch you grow up. I wanted to take you to your first day of Kindergarten. I wanted to take the photos as you got ready for prom,” my voice kept cracking. “I wanted to help some lucky girl get ready for her wedding, and then to walk out to see you standing at the end of the isle waiting for her.”

“I wanted to be there when you became a dad, and see your face when you realized how much I actually loved you all of your life. I wanted to be standing by you as I was lowered into the ground. I wanted to tell you that everything would be okay and that I was in a better place.”

I was sitting right in front of the stone. Brett’s body was laying just a few feet beneath me in a child sized coffin.

“I need you Brett. You were the best thing that ever happened to me. I didn’t care that people made fun of me at school for being fat or ugly or the slut who got pregnant, because I know that when I got home, I would be able to see you again and I would forget about all that happened before. It would just be you and me. It was a mom and her child, and there’s nothing stronger than a mothers love for her baby.”

“Even though you’re gone, you need to know love you more than anything else in the world. You are the most important thing to me still. I think of you every day, and dreams of your beautiful face still fill my mind when I sleep. I would do absolutely anything to see you again. I would be with you now if Daddy hadn’t ran and helped me,” I said.

“But then I met your Daddy,” I said and turned to look at the grave next to Brett’s which was labeled ‘My Baby. May 2nd. I’ll love you forever.’ “And then you were going to have a little brother, but he didn’t make it. And then you didn’t either. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. It’s all my fault that my babies are dead. I just want to see you. I just want to tell you that I love you and hear you say it back,” I cried and then I stood up.

“Don’t worry. Mummy with be with you soon again.”

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*****

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When I got home, I made sure that no one was there, and then I went up to my room and locked the door.

Then I took out my phone, and went onto twitter to say my goodbyes.

I would just like to say that I love you all soooo much. I hope that I can meet you all in another life time.xx

Then I sent one to each of the boys and a few of my friends.

@Real_Liam_Payne Just remember that I love you, okay? And I always will. I’m going to miss you soooooooo much. Take care of my boys for me.

@OfficialNiall Yo bro I love you. I know you get sad easily and stay hurt for a long time, but you need to know that I’m happier now. I

@Harry_Styles Hazza I’m going to miss you. And just so you know, there was nothing you could have don’t this morning to stop me. I love you.

@Louis_Tomlinson Annoy Harry from now on. I'll love you always. Stay safe and be a good boy for me, okay? Don't do anything stupid. I love u

@zayn_malik Stay vain and know that I luv u. I'll miss you but even though I'm gone, I'll be thinking of you. B safe and take care of urself

@Jake_that_one_guy Don't do anything stupid now that I'm gone. I love you so much and I promise to tell Brett that you love him when I c him

@Meggie_baby it would be your time to take your place as Mummy Direction. I'm sorry my Meggie, I really am. <3

I put my phone down and then took out a piece of paper and started to write. After a few minutes, I was done. I quickly read over what all I wrote.

 

I’m so sorry. I love you guys so much, but I couldn’t be like this forever. The pain was too much. The voices were too much. The fact that Meghan is gone was just too much. I’m sorry for making your lives harder than they had to be. You guys had so much on your plate already and you didn’t need me here messing things up.

I know what you guys are like, so don’t blame yourselves. This was one hundred percent my decision. If I didn’t do this now, I was going to do it later. I’ve already tried before, so I know what all I did wrong.

I just want to be with my family again. When I’m gone, I’ll be with my babies and I’ll get to see my dad.

I love you guys, and please make sure nothing stupid is on my stone.

And Louis, the answer is yes. It’s always been yes.

-Brittany Tom(linson)

 

“Kill yourself,” Jake said.

Come back to us Brittany,” I heard Niall say.

“I miss you so much,” Louis said.

“You’ve been gone for so long,” Liam added.

“Join us again,” Zayn said.

“Kill yourself,” Meghan told me.

“Shut up,” I muttered and shook my head, trying to clear my mind.

I walked to my bathroom and poured out all of my depression and sleeping pills. I filled up a cup of water.

I swallowed them four at a time, and after about two minutes, I was done.

I walked out of the room and into the nursery where my baby was supposed to sleep. I closed and locked the door behind me, and then I sat cross legged by the crib and put the note at my side. I pulled out my phone and took off the case. My little blade fell out, and I smiled at it. I picked it up and I put it to the center of my left wrist. I pressed down on it hard until it broke skin, and I pulled up, feeling it but into my vein.

I went to do it to my other wrist, but my left arm was to shaky, so I just dropped the blade on the floor and closed my eyes, resting my head on the wall.

Several minutes passed, then, something unexpected happened.

“Brittany!” Louis screamed and I heard someone running up the stairs. “Brittany!” he screamed again and then he started pounding on the door. “Open up now!”

“Louis,” I said weakly.

“Brittany! Please, don’t do this!”

“Too late,” I whispered.

“No it’s not!” he yelled and then I heard him kick the door.

On his third try, the door flew open and Louis and to my side.

“Oh my god,” he whispered and pulled out his phone and dialed 999.

“Hello, what your emergency?” I heard a calm voice say.

“My girlfriend just tried to kill herself!” Louis yelled in a tear filled voice.

“Where are you?” she asked and Louis told her the address. “Okay, help will be there soon.”

Louis hung up the phone and pulled off his shirt and wrapped it around my left wrist and then pulled my so I was in his lap.

“Why would you do this?” he asked and he stroked my hair.

“It’s all too much. I just wanted to see my babies again.”

“I know Brittany, I know,” he whispered as he cried. “But why would you do this to me? I love you Brittany. I love you so much.”

“I just wanted to see my babies again,” I repeated and I felt tears start to fall down my face.

“Brittany,” Louis said suddenly, “did you take anything? Did you take any pills?”

I just sat there and didn’t answer.

“Brittany, did you!” Louis yelled and I nodded slowly. “You’re throwing them up,” he said and pulled my jaw open and shoved his fingers into my mouth. After a moment or two, I leaned to the side and I puked up some of the pills, but not all of them. Not even close.

“I don’t want to live,” I told him weakly and I felt him nod.

“I know Sweetheart, I know, but you have to live, okay? There’s so much that I never told you.”

“Like what?” I said and I felt the pills start to kick in, but I didn’t let Louis know that. I just closed my eyes.

“Do you remember when you and Harry got into a car crash and you went into a coma?”

“Yeah.”

“I told you that I loved you.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, and do you remember that night that Niall, Harry and I kidnapped you?”

“Of course, it was one of the best nights ever,” I said and Louis chuckled even though he was crying.

“Well, when I saw you sleeping in your bed, I recognized you immediately. I didn’t tell any of the other boys that I knew you.”

“What do you mean?”

“You’re so close,” I heard Niall say.

“You remember that day when I snuck you out of the hospital and we went to the park?” Louis asked and I nodded. I knew that I didn’t have much longer, but I didn’t mind. I got to spend my last few minutes with Louis. “Well, you told me about that Halloween party and the boy who was there. You said that he was dresses as a vampire and covered in makeup, so you could tell what exactly he looked like.”

“Just try a little harder,” Harry said.

“Brittany,” Louis started, “I was afraid to tell you. I thought that you would hate me if I ever told you.”

“Told me what?” I mumbled but he continued his story.

“When we took you home and you didn’t say anything when I took you into the theater to show you the house, I assumed that you didn’t recognize me, and I was right. I wasn’t ever going to tell you about that night at the Halloween party until you said that whoever you slept with there was Brett’s dad.”

I barely heard the last words that Louis said to me before I died, but when I did, everything became clear.

I understood why I had always recognized him. Why he had always been my favorite. Why he had loved me.

“That was me. I was the vampire.”

 

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