white noise chocolate

We all have our problems and with ours we need each other in order to solve them. We need to help each other, we need to understand each other. We need to love each other, make each other feel one another. Another. Other. Kiss me Niall, please, because there won't be another. Love me Niall, please, because I need to feel your touch before I go.


9. Killing Me Softly

"You need the clove," I said to him as I sat on the counter watching him struggle with the baking chicken in the oven. 

"Where's that?" He looked at me confused. 

"Spice cabinet in the corner," I pointed. "All the way to the right."

He grabbed the bottle and stared at it blindly. "What do I do with it?"

"Ugh," I got off the counter and took the bottle from his hands. "Open the oven." He did and pulled the chicken out. "You put some on your hands and then sprinkle it on the chicken. It gives it a sweetness, like cinnamon but not as strong." 

He watched over me, running his eyes along my fingers and hands. After I was done, I had a few still stuck to my fingers and I brought the tips close to his lips. 

"Taste," I breathed. 

His eyes watched mine as he held onto my wrist and placed my fingertip in his mouth. His tongue ran up my skin and it was like he was exploring every sensitive spot on my body. My nerves going insane as my eyes fluttered shut in sensation and then reopening.

Bringing myself back to reality. None of this should be possible. 

"You wanna close that back up," I muttered as I stepped back and he closed the oven. "Give it a few more minutes. Who is all coming?"

"The guys," he said while setting the timer. "I thought it was time to apologize."

I smiled as I placed my arms around his neck, his hands going to my waist. I pushed my fingers through his fading blonde hair. "Good." 

His fingers were running around my hips like wildfire, spreading, moving in different directions. Torture. 

His touch was so different from any one else's that I remember. His was like a lightning storm, bolting through my body. 

I wanted this all so badly, I wanted him, all of him, so badly.

Then a knock. 

I pushed away from him and watched him run his fingers through his hair as he went to the door. I watched from the counter and decided to crawl back up on it. Crossing my legs and watched as the four new guys filled the apartment. 

They all sat around the table and I learned all their names as Niall silently would look at me from the corner of his eye. I would laugh with the jokes and yell at them when they would argue about something. 

It was like being a fly on the wall. Until:

"So, Niall," said Louis. "The girl who lived here before you, wasn't she killed or something?"

"No," he started. "She's in a coma down at the local hospital, but the landlords wanted the property to be sold because of the cost. It's a beautiful apartment and they didn't want to let it go, so I bought it."

"Do you know about the girl?" Harry asked. 

"I know some things. She's actually part of the Brolin family."

"The family that owns Paramount Recording Studios?" Liam questioned.

"Yea," Niall nodded. "He's been here, a couple days ago. He wanted to see her and see how the apartment is looking."

"Well what if she comes out of her coma," started Louis. "Will you leave?"

"I'll do whatever she wants, because she was the first to own it." He looked in my direction. "But I would love to stay here, it's nice. No paparazzi, it's quiet. It reminds me of Mullingar."

I smiled towards him. "I don't want you to go," I muttered and his smile got wider as he looked back at the boys. 

"How's the drugs?" Liam asked. 

"Stopped," Niall answered truthfully. I haven't seen him take anything. 

"Cutting?" He continued and my eyes grew wide. 

"Cutting?" I also questioned as I got off the counter. "You self harm?" 

Niall looked slightly away from me, "I'm doing better."

"Don't lie," said Zayn. "When was the last time you cut?" 

He exhaled, I exhaled, the room was filling with hot air. 

"This morning," he breathed and I bit my bottom lip.

"Why didn't you tell me this?!" I almost yelled. 

He stood up, "I'll be back." 

"Niall--," Liam started, but he already walked away and into the bedroom. I heard the door lock. 

I didn't care. I stepped forward and went through the wooden door. Niall was sitting on the bed his head in his hands. I fell to my knees and sat in-between his feet. 

"This is why you wear the long sleeves all the time." It wasn't a question but a realization. "Please talk to me." I placed my hands on his wrists. 

"I didn't want you to find out," he started. "I--I didn't want you to think I was weak."

An escaped tear dripped off his chin and onto his light jeans creating a dark circle. "I would never think you were weak."

He scoffed, "I hurt myself on purpose because I'm a failure. It makes me go numb, makes me feel unrealistic." 

I tore his hands from his face. "Niall," I started as I pushed the sleeves of his shirt back towards the crease of his elbow. I glanced at his scars and the fresh ones created this morning. "You are everything to me," I whispered and as he watched me I placed my lips over his scars, kissing them. "Every time you want to hurt yourself, I want you to place your pain on me."

"Why would I ever--."

"Because I want you too. Give me your pain, give it all to me." 

"How?" He breathed. 

I quickly exhaled, "I want you to take that razor, the same one you use, and do it to me." 

"What? No!" 

I shook my head, "I don't exist," I said to him. "You are only seeing me because you want to. My body is still in that hospital and you aren't hurting me physically. Do it," I pushed. 

"It doesn't feel right."

"Do it," I pushed harder. 

He was growing angry and within seconds he was reaching for the razor in the bedside table. He was placing the blade to the inner side of my wrist and red lines soon appeared. Oozing blood from my skin. It hurt, but it was unexplainable. 

Everyday I felt myself drifting away, and moments like this is when I feel alive. I don't feel like I'm vanishing from the world, but placing an anchor around my ankle and keeping me to the ground. Niall made me feel alive, he was the one who made me able to touch in this in-between world. 

As he kept drawing maroon lines on my skin, I began to think that maybe he's whats making me, my in-between life, stronger. And making my real, reality stricken life, weaker. I wanted to be with him now and the only way to do that was to disconnect myself from my true body. 

He literally was going to kill me.

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