The Magnificent Journeys of X-Ray and Vav

Herein lies the tales of the superhero's known as X-Ray and Vav. Bask in their glory...

...Also, buy their shirt.......


2. Issue #1 - The Tower Gets Pimped

I’m here to tale you a tale about the first time I met the world’s greatest superheroes. These aren’t some made up ones like Batman or Iron Man, either. No, these are the real deal. You all know who I’m talking about. I mean the legendary protectors of the world, X-Ray and Vav!

            I was in the middle of a long cross-country trip when my car broke down in the middle of nowhere. I had to walk for hours through a hot desert, and right when I thought I was about to starve, I found a sandwich laying on the ground. Even though it was a mayo and pickle sandwich, it gave me the hope to keep going.

            With my newfound hope, I found my way to an old fashioned bar that was sitting on the side of the road. The place was packed, but there was one stool open next to a guy in a big long coat. As I sat down, I managed to gasp out a plea for water. I just hoped that the barkeep didn’t ask for money because I forgotten my wallet in my car.

            Almost as soon as I finished gulping down my glass, three men burst in the door. The bar grew silent in an instant, and it only took me a moment before I realized why. The three men were three of the four heads of the nefarious coven of evil known as the Assholes who Cause Headaches Hunters. The ACH Hunters are the sworn foes of our heroes X-Ray and Vav, and the tales of their battles are known the world over.

            The first man was their leader, DeeG-Gef. He was lean, muscled, and covered in tattoos. He’s the world’s foremost master of the Funkin Drist fighting style, and at his side carried his signature beer bottle nun-chucks. It is said no man has ever bested him in a fair fight, because he never fights fair.

            To his right was his right hand man, Jakolean the Beard. Barely able to squeeze through the door, he made the floor crack with every step. He had a fanny pack on his side in which he carried his signature Beard Grenades. I’ve been told that while Chuck Norris’s beard hides another fist, Jakolean’s beard houses another Chuck Norris.

            Then there was the man to DeeG-Gef’s left, The Raging Mikhail. Heavily muscled, he comes from the foreign land of Jer-Sey. Too cool for school, the only weapon he carries is his fists. Few men that have ever angered him have lived to tell the tale.

            The fourth of the leaders of the ACH Hunters, a man simply named Ryan, was no-where to be seen. As I later found out, he wasn’t there due to the fact that he was upgrading his hover-computer-chair so that he would be able to play Kwake XVII. Honestly, I don’t know much about Ryan, besides the fact that once, someone had asked him what music his kid listened to. That man had been found dead the next day with a giant hole in his chest.

            As soon as they walked in, DeeG-Gef walked up to the bar and pushed me out of the way so that he could order a drink. As I scrambled across the floor, I noticed that the man I had sat next to was slowly backing away. DeeG-Gef noticed it too.

            “Wait a minute, you’re,” DeeG-Gef started to say as soon as the man in the coat began to run.

            Just before the man got to the door, there was a sudden explosion, and the man was tangled in hair. Obviously Jakolean had used one of his Beard Grenades.

            “Good job Jakolean,” DeeG-Gef said.

            “No problem.”

            “Please, no, let me go!” The now tangled man pleaded.

            “Where is it?” DeeG-Gef demanded as he unsheathed his nun-chucks.

            “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

            “You had better tell us. I’m starting to get angry,” Mikhail said as he stood above the man with his arms crossed.

            The man’s eyes widened with fear before he spurted out, “It’s in my coat pocket!”

            DeeG-Gef reached into the man’s pocket, and what he pulled out of it was more beautiful than anything I had ever seen before, and I had once seen a quadruple rainbow. The first inch was the deepest black, followed by four inches of sparkling gold. It was the legendary Tower of Pimps. The stories of how the mystic artifact came to be are too numerous to count, but the prevailing one is that Vav created it one day when he was bored. However it came to be, one thing was certain; the Tower held unspeakable power.

            “At last! It’s mine! It’s all mine!” DeeG-Gef exclaimed as he lifted the tower into the sky.

            Before he could continue rejoicing though, our ears were suddenly violated by the sound of our saviors arriving. The screeching of metal on concrete interrupted by the occasional sound of a squeaky horn preceded our heroes as they burst through the front door of the bar.

            Vav came in first, and he came in backwards, using the filing cabinet on the back of his wheelchair like a battering ram to smash through the wall. He was swiftly followed by X-Ray, who rode in on his unicycle of truth, all the while squeaking one of those little horns you occasionally see a seal trained to play.

            At the sound of a girl shrieking in joy, X-Ray threw her a rose. (It is at this point that I should bring up the fact that most normal people who are in close proximity to X-Ray and Vav are instantly impregnated, be they a man or woman.) The woman smiled happily in the brief moments before her stomach grew to the point that she appeared to be nine months pregnant. She didn’t have to live with the sudden change for long however, as the rose X-Ray had thrown her soon exploded. I still have nightmares from seeing that, on occasion.

            “Sorry about that,” X-Ray said, “Did not mean to throw one of the exploding ones.”

            “No need to fear!” Vav exclaimed as he hopped up out of his wheelchair, “X-Ray and Vav are here!”

            It was at that moment that Vav’s wheelchair toppled over and promptly crushed the man who had been carrying the Tower of Pimps. Files went everywhere. As did blood. Some people say that X-Ray and Vav are more of a menace than they are a help, but to those people I say, “Shut up. I don’t see you fighting DeeG-Gef and the ACH Hunters to protect the Tower of Pimps.”

            “Ah. X-Ray and Vav. I should have known the two of you would ruin this moment,” DeeG-Gef said. “But you’re too late! I have the Tower.”

            “Not today DeeG-Gef,” Vav said in an epic voice. “We will stop you, and the tower will be ours, you shall not, *cough*, *cough*…”

            “Vav! Are you alright?”

            “*cough*, Bloody… Yea, I’m fine X-Ray. Not doing that again. Talking in that deep booming voice thoroughly minges up my throat. Anyhow, as I was saying, we’re here to stop you.”

            “Yea, well, how about no,” DeeG-Gef said as he promptly ran to the nearest wall, smashed a hole in it with his nun-chucks, and ran away.

            “What? Um. Well, I mean that’s just cheating isn’t it?”

            “Hurry Vav, we have to go after him!”

            “Right you are, X-Ray.”

            “Not so fast,” Jakolean said as he stepped in front of them. “You have to go through us to get to him.”

            Mikhail just stood there with his arms crossed and stared at X-Ray and Vav.

            “What should we do X-Ray?” Vav asked.

            “It looks like we don’t have any choice, we have to fight them.”

            “Right then. I suppose I’ll take on Mikhail, if you can quelf Jakolean.”

            “But Vav! Are you sure? I mean I know you and Mikhail were once the closest of friends before ‘it’ happened.”

            “Yes, that’s true X-Ray, but ‘it’ did happen, and now he’s chosen his side.”

            “Can we just get this over with?” Jakolean said, “I have a flight to Austrinallia that leaves in an hour.”

            “Alright then,” X-Ray said as he and Vav got ready to face their foes.

            They each stood facing each other; Jakolean was across from X-Ray with one hand on his beard, and the other in his fanny pack. X-Ray had one hand on his signature glasses and was griping a rose in the other. Vav stood facing Mikhail, with his hands on his hip, ready to perform a pelvic thrust.

            “Bring it,” Mikhail said as he ripped his shirt off…

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