Marilyn Clarke (explicit review not for younger readers)

Marilyn Clarke sounds so happy at the start of her diary, getting in detentions for walking in school in nothing more then a tankini, showing off to Harry and more. But slowly, she begins to realise that her Mum has been lying about going to work, that her sister has a little more in common with Cannabis Kid then Marilyn wants and that Jaymi might not be the ideal boyfriend for Chloe.


1. September

September 4th

Last Day of My Summer Holidays

I must not… Too late. I have allowed the shriek of horror to escape my lips and it still echoes around the quiet house. It’s bad enough having Fido the dog staring at me without Madonna glaring at me with such hate, I wish I’d just kept my mouth shut.

When will Madonna quit staring at me with those intimidating kohl-lined eyes? Just as I thought this her hand strikes across my cheek and she storms off and puts We are never ever getting back together on full blast. I’ve heard it enough times over the week including Trouble and 22 by Taylor Swift. I love her, but when you’ve got just those three songs bouncing around your head, you’d want to listen to A*M*E or One Direction.

I can hear my eldest sister sobbing, mourning her break-up with Callum. But I don’t blame fit, forever-tanned Callum for finishing it with my moody Goth sister with an infected belly-button ring and a skull ring that has made her finger green and mouldy.

Callum happened to be spending most of his Summer Holidays with his brother, whose in his gap year, in Greece. It was nothing but sun, tan and gorgeous goddesses. Of course he’ll pick a Greek girl rather than my miserable Goth sister who thinks of death to calm her.

I guess Madonna isn’t just crying because of that. Mum has made her holiday a torture, and I’ll admit me irritating her must have been pretty upsetting and not very empathetic. For a fact though, it’s my second eldest sister, Chloe, who has been the major torment, even though she has been nothing but kind to Madonna.

Chloe goes out with a glorious post-sixteen boy called Jaymi (I swear it’s spelt Jamie but Chloe has an obsession with Union J). There’s nothing more heartbreaking then your blonde drop-dead gorgeous sister going out with someone, who, quite frankly, is equally as fit as Callum.

Fido has left my room, with a chewed up note, which I suppose is Chloe’s threatening note to me (I’ll tell you about that).

Anyway, Madonna’s six weeks off school have been visibly hell for her. Not only did she have to miss out on a glorious Greek beach because Mum said “Girls shouldn’t share hotel rooms with boys”, dump her boyfriend after she found him at the park after dark with Parie, his Greek Goddess, having to look after me for a few days, decline her visit to see One Direction with her best mate Hailey- just because Mum wanted some Always Extras and finally, her last day has been spent with me and my friends going to a gig, which ended ridiculously because the band didn’t even show up. Even worse, Madonna was forced to mingle with my friends, whom she detested because they weren’t plastered in black. It turns out she hated Claudia and her taste in music.

Madonna listens to Taylor Swift and some random Goth band from the 80’s.

However, Chloe had a lovely Summer Holiday. She spent most of her holidays lounging around it vintage patterned jeans getting fed chocolates by her adoring boyfriend. Otherwise, she whipped out her Apple Laptop and spent hours on some sad teenage site called Habbo.

I’ve been on it once and found out Chloe had been dating five Habbo avatars, asking them for things you just wouldn’t say to boys in real life, face-to-face.

And I’m not talking swears.

To make it worse, she might have virtual boyfriends over her real life boyfriend Jaymi but going on dating sites over the top? Yes, I looked into her history (by accident I’m not a stalker) and found Zoosk and on her ‘most-used’ list. I clicked on both and she has been a ‘chain dater’! She’s currently dating an 18-year-old with a hairstyle like Jedward when they run into the VO5 gel factory and over that a very risky date with a policeman. You’d think a policeman would know when an underage desperate two-(or more) timer is using a dating site…

Anyway, when I found this I threatened I’d tell Jaymi all about Chloe’s many extras.

But Chloe said if I ‘grassed’ on her she would tell the entire school I fancied Harry Thistleburn, so it kind of back-fired.

She kindly wrote a note to remind me of this and stuck it on my wall right next to a blown up image of Harry Styles and Connor Maynard.


Fido has managed to shred the note into two. Now I’m relying on my memory to warn me not to blab when I pass Jaymi on the way to Maths. Anyway if I do surely he wouldn’t mind dating a sexy Year Nine-oops Year Ten tomorrow- who loves dogs and still has to go out with her Mum because of the chance of passing Harry and screaming how much I loved him like the mindless teenager I am.

I still haven’t told you why I screamed have I? It was because I woke up feeling great, fresh and revived after watching a bit of telly till midnight last night, before I realised exactly after going to watch Claudia’s favourite band on the web, that tonight I would have to go to bed at half eight if I had a chance of waking up for -gulp- school without looking groggy.

It was an agonising thought so I had to scream.


Maybe I can stay up till quarter past nine? Not too bad right? Anyway someone has to send Fido to bed at quarter past.


September 5th

First Day back to Acorn Grove Academy

I’m so tiered. I went to bed at eleven wanting to watch a bit of late-night television. Besides Fido liked watching the start of Battle Royale with the physco teacher throwing knives around, just like he enjoyed the end of Twilight Breaking Dawn part 1. Claudia loves the stupid bloodthirsty movie but I only liked watching Taylor Launter acting passionate making me wonder whether Harry was as good as dancing at my wedding, too.

I woke up with a rough tongue licking my face at 2.a.m.

I thought it was Chloe at first, licking me for mercy and pleading me to not tell Jaymi her bad deeds. Then I thought it was Madonna licking me goodbye (?!) as some gothic way of saying ‘bye going to just casually commit suicide’. Finally, I got a seriously exciting idea. Maybe Harry ad found a way into my bedroom and had been kissing me passionately since I fell asleep.


It was only Fido whining for an early morning pee.

I almost slapped his furry head, and trooped downstairs in my blue baby-grow and pink bunny slippers, just to let the damn dog water Mum’s foxgloves with urine.

The next thing I know was when I was awoken by Mum booming, “The bloody door is open! A thief came in at night! They murdered my babies!”

Hysterical cow. I was about to kiss Harry!?!?

Our worried neighbours ran to the house and began asking a long boring list of questions.

To make matters worse Mum began shouting our names so I had to go downstairs just to show I hadn’t been murdered by Fido and his toxic pee.

“I left the door open.”

Well Mum shouted and lectured me for half an hour about the dangers of going for midnight romps. Yeah right. I’m totally going to roam around popping into Tesco’s for a can of lemonade at midnight. I tried to explain that Fido wanted to go out to do his business, but Mum carried on lecturing me about walking at night, making me sound like some teenage vampire.

Once she’d done I planned on returning to my bed for at least another hour before realising it was eight in the morning and I only had half-an-hour to walk the dog, get changed, have breakfast and then catch the bus. Poor Fido had to run around in the garden. It’s all Fido’s fault anyway! He shouldn’t have kept me up to watch the worlds most gruesome Japanese show I’m ever going to see.

As soon as I got to school, I was swamped with questions about my holidays and a whole reminder of the entire six weeks and a half from Claudia. I had a migraine all ready. How would I survive fourth period with Mr. Kith and his damp patches under his armpits?

Nothing happened at all. There wasn’t even Harry to stare at adoringly during Maths! It turns out he’s gone on a last minute trip to Italy. Hey, we could go to Venice together! Maybe end our lives together like Romeo and Juliet. Doesn’t Harry and Marilyn sound just as romantically tragic?!

September 6th

I actually went to bed at six, falling asleep whilst doodling Harry all over my English book. I woke up at seven, and had to wake up the horrendously adventurous dog so we could go for a long walk. Fido fell into a patch of dog poo, rolling around so I spent quarter of an hour scrubbing him down before Mum came and attacked him with baby wipes which make him smell like a powdered bottom. Despite what the adverts say, I wouldn’t want to smell like a babies bum either.

We had to take a Tuesday quiz in form today and when our form tutor asked who ran the marathon and came first last year, me, Hayden and Claudia had to narrow it down to the following: Peter Andre (fit enough), Simon Cowell (off-putting enough), Keith Lemon (he’s got tactics) or David Beckham (he plays football which requires running right?!). However, despite our wide range of possibilities it turned out to be somebody’s pathetic dad who looked like he had just come out of The Jeremy Kyle show and found out his girlfriend has been going out with an older, fitter man. He was pulling that face anyway. Didn’t look very happy to have come first in a marathon.

Lucy, whose the queen-bee, was flouncing around the school handing out party invites. I bet I won’t be invited. Yesterday me and Hayden were spitting and a bit of spit landed on her stupid out-of-date Gola bag. I think it improved the appearance of her bag seeing as it was crap anyway.

Mum is strangely overjoyed and it turned out she’s just trained Fido to fetch her bills and letters seeing as Madonna isn’t running to the door anymore to check for mail from Callum.

He never posted letters at all even when they were going out! I think Madonna was imagining Callum to become Mr. Darcy and send kissy kissy letters to her. Nah. There’s something called phones Madonna. Romantic messages are sent via text nowadays.

September 7th

Chloe took Fido out for a walk claiming she needed some fresh air. I was surprised. My sisters wouldn’t touch Fido for worrying about chipping their nails or the fact that Labradors aren’t gothic creatures. Well I’m sorry but we couldn’t purchase any black scaly dragons from the RSPCA.

So I got an extra hour in bed, meaning extra time dreaming about Harry.

When I got to school Hayden started telling me she found a New York boyfriend on Facebook. At first I just laughed before realising Hayden was being serious. Hayden is from America and when she first moved she was surprised we had people like Peter Andre living in Britain. She was expecting mini Elizabeth’s out of Pride and Prejudice or maybe even a bit of Enid Blyton what with our daily picnics and sipping cloudy lemonade from cardboard cups.

She was surprised when the first conversation she heard when she stepped into Acorn Grove Academy was: “Shit, it’s raining.”

“Want my umbrella?”

“I’m not sheltering under that f**king thing! Rather go Yo Mamma on my bum!”

“Fine then you silly cow, didn’t f**king like you anyway! My umbrella’s well gorge.”

“Like my Mum on a morning bitch!”

And the rest was the usual British language of the 21st Century.

Now Hayden is accustomed to the real modern British slang and wide vocabulary when it comes to swears and insults.

Claudia launched into a seriously long, girly array of questions like “Has he asked you to kiss him?” and “Would you snog, marry or avoid?”

Of course, Ellie, Claudia’s non-identical twin, went in the opposite direction, implying this random American guy using Facebook is just another desperate man preying on innocent girls.

Hayden just laughed at both points of view and whipped out her Blackberry Curve and showed Ellie in particular that she had asked Andy from America to send her a picture of him lying cross legged on his sofa holding a bagel and a newspaper. Ellie seemed satisfied that he was the age he said, and willing to send an image of himself without begging Hayden not to like fake men would. Andy obviously understood girl worries.

Me and Chloe and Madonna walked home together. Chloe was overjoyed that Hayden had found a boyfriend and we had a long talk about boys, forgetting that boys were the most hurtful thing to mention in front of a recovering heart-break sufferer, namely Madonna.

Luckily, Hailey, Madonna’s best friend, wanted Madonna to stay round at hers for a while, so me and Chloe were able to converse like decent school girls about boys.

However, just whilst we were getting to an interesting patch, Jaymi called Chloe and so I lost my elder sisters advice and love. I might as well have been walking home with a brick wall on wheels. She was just chatting away like it was the end of the world tomorrow.


Mum is training Fido to sit, rewarding him with a handful of Dentastix. Upstairs Madonna is now listening to Attracting Flies and I need Your Love. A definite improvement from Taylor Swift’s break-up songs. Soon she’ll be back to 80’s Goth. I hate the almost-modern Madonna.


Jaymi has called Chloe- again- and the lucky thing is going on the Year Eleven Welcome Trip. It’s basically where once you’ve started in Year Eleven you get a week in Spain to learn Spanish. In other words: A free holiday where you lounge around eating Twisters and Magnums all day.


I begged Chloe not to go and when she asked why I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want her to go so that she didn’t go away- oh all right. I was jealous. So it looks like Chloe’s tanning whilst I’m trying to focus on learning German for my GCSE’s. Not the same as going to Spain to ‘learn Spanish’. Oh well, at least I’ll go to Germany on my Year Eleven Welcome Trip.



September 8th

I had P.E. As if I’m not fit enough. Whilst everyone’s still asleep or just rousing at seven I’m in the town centre strolling with Fido. I hate P.E. Who actually invented it? And who the hell decided to put the torturous subject on the school time table?! I’ll be having a word with the wise guy who thought it was a good idea to be doing Hockey in a sheet of rain. Anyone who takes P.E. for GCSE’s needs to go see their G.P. or go to an Madhouse Asylum. What is so amusing about hitting the ball with a stick that had probably been used by the Victorians? Hello! We have fitness apps! We have gyms! If we needed to get fit we’d do it ourselves wouldn’t we?!

Thank God Harry wasn’t on the pitch playing football with the rest of the boys in my year. He wouldn’t want to think I’m pathetic at sports. I was put in a team with some crazy girl called Brooke, an asthmatic called Hannah, a lazy girl called Natalie and Sophie who just happens to be scared of balls of any type. That’s why she doesn’t like boys like normal teenage girls.

Harry would have thought I was a retard- especially since another team had all the best sports women.

Even Hayden, Ellie and Claudia had a better team then me! When our team was getting somewhere Hannah passed out and the ball went sailing towards Sophie who ran away to the other end of the pitch. To make it worse Natalie missed the ball entirely and Brooke got the ball. That wouldn’t be a bad thing except that Brooke sent the ball into the opposing teams net and cost us our one and only point- scored by me.

Whilst Miss. Saffron was doing some CPR on Hannah I vowed I’d fake a note to miss P.E. all together.


Madonna has started on Justin Bieber. What would I do to listen to We are Never Ever Getting Back together one more time!

Mum has decided to go out and get a few more cans of dog food and buy another lot of Ben & Jerry’s which Madonna has latched herself onto as comfort food. Ben & Jerry’s my bloody drug never mind comfort food. I don’t need to be depressed to feel in the mood for a bit of Cookie Dough.

September 9th

Darren Lansdale has been beaten up for a few coins just for the bullies to go out and buy a stick of rock from the sweet shop. Because of this Harold the worst Head Teacher in the world has decided to ban allowing us to go over the road for snacks. He’s going to introduce a vending machine for our sugar needs. Everyone’s threatening to batter the bullies who beat up Darren.

Poor bullies.

They don’t know Fat Ben is seriously considering sitting on them. He lives on sweets and crisps from the shop over the road. Man, if I were them I’d be running before my legs were broken from being squashed between Fat Ben’s bowels. Darren is some kind of God, everyone slapping him on the back for telling them who the bullies were. Of course Darren made himself seem bigger then he really is, by saying he gave one a black eye. I’ve seen Ryan before. That black eye was not caused by Darren giving him a weedy punch, but from a real street fight over an ounce of cannabis.

September 10th

Mum found out about the beating up session and she’s banned me and Chloe from leaving the house after six. This wouldn’t be so bad on a school night but on the weekend I stay out till at least nine! I especially needed to enjoy this weekend because I’m already missing my six weeks of no P.E. or homework.

Mum is making it out like I’ve been beaten up, asking if I wasn’t hurt or threatened. Of course I wasn’t! Me and Chloe decided to go into a sulk all this weekend until Mum gives up this weird mood. Madonna doesn’t have to stay in. Post Sixteen is a privilege.


I should be outside with Ellie and Hayden. I saw them both walking down the street with Darren who was flashing some shiny new gadget.


Claudia has just walked past in her baby-grow. Why the-? What am I missing?!


Mum is going to ring up the school and ask to speak to the teachers and suggest that we start a No Bullying Policy. By God! I hope she doesn’t speak to Mrs. Rims. She’s like a sponge she’ll do whatever any parent suggests. Let’s hope she gets lazy Mr. Green who’ll just throw her papers and suggestions in the bin, if she writes any.


Went on Chloe’s laptop. Found out she’s a vampire on Second Life and she’s also downloaded IMVU and has about 12 boyfriends….

Went on Second Life. It is exactly what it says it is!

September 11th

Mum has rung up the school this morning, clutching a piece of paper about bullying policies.

I was on Second Life, playing as this vampire and Mum walked in when I was kissing the face off a 19-year-old (I lied and said I was 17). She accused me of going on pornographic games and demanded I uninstall it from Chloe’s laptop as well as mine. I can’t believe it!

I found Mum five minutes later, typing up extras to her letter on bullying policies, adding that we needed lessons on internet safety and to learn about dangers of freaks on the web.

Mum then ran up to my bedroom ( I was still snogging the 19-year-old- virtually!) and grounded me from going to Claudia’s or Hayden’s and Ellie’s house for a month.


Re-installed Second Life. My virtual boyfriend has already cheated on me… Oh well.


Found a new boyfriend. He’s 14 and he goes to a London school but he’s only in Year Nine. Never mind. We’re already virtually snogging in a virtual SoHo lounge with everyone else just dancing and eating virtual food. I might have a new addiction.


Online boyfriend has gone off into a swimming pool virtual world. Found him rolling around on the carpet with a crappy human girl whose about 12 because she didn’t know what a Blue Waffle is. What’s wrong with a sexy vampire?!

E-mailed Claudia to come and join Second Life. She said she’d rather die then stoop so low as to become a vampire and virtually kill everyone and snog fake men. E-mailed me about 15 minutes later telling me she had made a human avatar and was getting dirty with a man about 19 years older then her. So much for wanting to maintain her cool-ness.

September 12th

Harry isn’t back yet. Instead, we had to listen to a long lecture about stealing and mugging people in the Lecture Theatre. Mrs. Kittery also said an anonymous adult came and complained to Mrs. Rims (crap) that we don’t do enough about bullying. So she’s introducing a Bullying Policy and we’re going to start celebrating Anti-Bullying week. Thanks Mum.

Darren isn’t a God anymore because everyone is accusing him of grassing to his mother.

Claudia told me she was walking in the street in her baby-grow because her cat Lou-Bella had escaped. Not so exciting then.

Claudia told me Second Life is the best virtual world she’s been on. Well she’s not an expert. The last virtual game Claudia ever went on was Wizard 101 or maybe even Club Penguin.

But do I have room to talk when the last chat room I’ve been on was Panfu?

Hayden says she was going to meet Andy the American because she was going to California in December. Ellie says she’d rather stay with her grandma then watch her sister fall in love with Andy the American.

Saw Madonna with her best mate Hailey listening to Hall of Fame… at least she’s starting to go further and further in time. Soon it’ll be to the year 2000 with Kylie Minouge.

Madonna was also standing with some other girl in Post Sixteen in a short shirt and a tiny cut off top that showed off her belly button ring. She was so tanned even Pod from Snog, Marry or Avoid? would have blown up watching her scrub off her tan. It was very strange seeing a Goth with her Punk friend Hailey, standing with a girl who looked like she came from Essex.

September 13th

Harry will come back today. It turns out his plane was late last night so he got an extra day off from this Hell-Hole school.

Madonna said she wanted to walk Fido this morning, which is stranger then Chloe wanting to walk him, especially seeing as last night Fido walked into her room when she was in the middle of mourning Callum again. This is because she saw him walking with only a towel round his waist saying goodnight to Parie the Greek Goddess at 5 in the morning from her window. If that wasn’t traumatic enough, Parie was wearing absolutely nothing and ran bare-bottomed round our house to the Holiday Inn nearby, holding a fluffy Hello Kitty dressing gown.

Anyway, I saw Madonna the colour of a tangerine changing her skull earrings for a pair of bright pink dangly hoops, lent by the Essex girl.

Even worse, Hailey’s huge bubbly purple streaked hair has been dyed pitch black with glittery highlights, and eyebrows tweaked into neat arches. She looks scarily Essex, especially with her mini skirt and shirt with a slogan that said: “I’m single babe, don’t leave me hanging”.

I caught Chloe giving me a worrying glance. She must have noticed the change with Madonna too.


I was on Second Life flirting with a vampire man who looked seriously sexy, when Madonna burst in and asked to borrow some of my hairspray and a bit of my lip-gloss. I was so shocked I just said yes. Even Fido looked a bit shocked and the only words he understands is: “sit” and “food”.

Then she sat on the corner of my bed and gave me tips on how to get him on my virtual bed.


I think my avatar is having a vampire baby, she just went and threw up in the loo. I need to tell Claudia.



In bed at the minute, with laptop on watching my avatar getting undressed for the vampire guy again. Said a prayer for Harry to come back safely- without a girl! I don’t want to end up like Madonna watching through my window for any signs of nude girls running to Holiday Inn.


Heard Madonna whimper and Chloe rushed into my room. She told me that Madonna saw Callum getting undressed beneath Madonna’s window and forcing Parie down under his tanned body. This freaked me out seeing as my avatar was going through the same thing.

September 14th

Fido licked me awake and I realised my avatar had been doing it all night whilst I was asleep. I told my virtual boyfriend I had to get up to walk my dog and signed out after he begged me to do it a little longer. Went into the bathroom and found the shower completely covered in spray tan, and blonde hair dye.

I hope Chloe had a sudden urge to go blonde and not Madonna. Now that would be scary.

Suddenly at that moment, Mum screamed and asked why Madonna was a blonde bimbo. This was pretty harsh.

Chloe shoved me out of the shower (I was scrubbing the tan off with Cif) and made me stare at my sister. No. Way. She had become absolutely orange, with caterpillar eyebrows, bright blonde hair which was streaked with pink. Even worse she was wearing nothing more then her black bikini she wore in Hawaii. By the way, what had once been her black bikini had now been dyed bright red, the colour of her lipstick.

I couldn’t close my mouth.

Harry was back and he came up to me, lightly tanned and looking fit. I could barely breathe. He asked me what happened to my gothic sister and said she looked great. Mental note: become blonde.

September 15th

Harry seems unusually interested in my sister. We had a detailed conversation through Maths, and he asked me if I was going to go to school in a bikini. Hey. I might.

Claudia says this is a definite sign he’s interested.

Ellie just said he’s interested in my breasts. Which should I listen to?

September 16th

Went on Second Life and asked what sort of bikini I should wear to my online boyfriend. Now I get what Chloe was doing. She had so many boyfriends but it was just for sexual excitement, not because she wants to cheat on Jaymi.

He says I should go to River Island or Primark for a bikini. River Islands out. I may as well go to a charity shop like Oxfam. They do good bikini’s right?

Harry asked if I bought a bikini like my sisters. I said I’m going out tonight. He asked where I was going to buy mine and what colour. He laughed when I said Oxfam and said nice joke. So I said I’d get it at Primark and he was impressed. Definitely listen to virtual boyfriend.


I have to shop really quickly because my Mum has grounded me for a month. I can’t understand why she hasn’t found out I re-installed Second Life so much for my mother being exceedingly protective.

Hayden helped me to pick out a bikini from TopShop but it was too expensive, so I ended up buying a tankini from M&S. It was surprisingly cheaper. And it was better, because at least the tankini was longer and less revealing. Ellie said she didn’t want to help. She says she didn’t want to help me look like a desperate slag from Essex. Well, Madonna’s friend won’t be very happy Ellie called her this seeing as she’s coming round to ours tonight for a make-over. And I seriously expect it won’t be what Pod would want. Hey, that would be cool. I’ll think about signing up Madonna or Essex girl for Snog, Marry or Avoid? It’ll be humorous if all the London snobs say avoid to Madonna. I wish Madonna was more normal. And by that I mean no outrageous dress sense. Madonna being normal music-wise is weird. She’s back to Taylor Swift and I don’t think it’s because she saw Callum saying good-bye to Parie at the airport with his hands up her cut-off T-shirt.


Came home and Mum dragged me into the kitchen, giving me barely enough time to hide the M&S bag in the shoe cupboard. She told me to do something about ‘Brooklyn’ who turns out to be Essex girl. I asked her why she couldn’t get off her own butt and tell off her daughter, but she said she had to go out. And get this.

She wanted me to supervise and make sure they don’t get too much spray tan on.

That’s a bit responsible saying I’m getting all tarty and going to school in nothing more then a padded tankini and killer spike heels (half price in Primark). Not to mention I’ve been flashing my virtual breasts around on Second Life which I’ve been grounded for.

And she wanted me to supervise! Me! What would there be to supervise? Essex girl going on a rampage with the spray tan and murdering Madonna by shoving a few lipstick lids down her mouth? Yeah right.

September 17th

Lounged around watching CBBC all morning before returning on Second Life to ask if wearing a padded tankini was too sexy for school. Probably is, but who cares. It’s their fault for not having a uniform like all other schools in England.

September 18th

Chloe and Madonna were allowed to go out to X-scape Cineworld and watch some horror movie. I said it wasn’t fair and Mum said I shouldn’t have gone on games which encourage snogging and porn, and that anyway I couldn’t go because I would have been scared.

Well she’d be pretty freaked to know we were all watching Woman in Black last year in Geography. But I better not use this as defence on why I should be going to see horror or she’ll be sending me to picturesque little boarding schools at the other end of England.

And I saw Cabin In the Woods at Claudia’s. So…

September 19th

Mum had to leave for work early this morning. Which is weird. Since when did she start working? She relies on Madonna’s dad to send over money… She says it better we get money supplements rather then being those beggars on benefits. I’ve seen how they turn out. They turn out like Rhys Harrison who has already started on heroin. Hm. Nice life.

I got up, showered in a tan stained bath and stared at my tankini for ages, with just a towel around my waist.

Madonna burst in suddenly and stared at my bare chest like she couldn’t believe I was a girl. Then she let her eyes drift and ended up glaring at my tankini with such jealousy her face began to go green. Literally.

Then she burst out laughing, saying how me wearing a bikini was ridiculous and that I had no junk on my trunk to waggle around. By this I expect she meant my boobs, which is rich saying I borrow her bras and she’s Post Sixteen. I’ve got Post Sixteen boobs! But Madonna says I have nothing at all against her, and that I have to stuff a handful of tissue down each cup just so my boobs will fit into a bra which is about three billion times larger then my tits. And no. This isn’t true. Anyway since when did Wonderbra do size 3 billion?

I told Madonna that she wore a bikini to school and that anyway mine was a tankini which isn’t as sexy or as revealing. Madonna just turned an even darker shade of green and said she didn’t wear it for school, just to walk Fido and that anyway she changed into her normal Paul’s Boutique jacket and black jeans. I knew this was a lie. Madonna wasn’t a Goth anymore and that she was a blonde bitch for wearing a boob tube and pink shorts that sit right on my buttocks- not your knickers. They just get dragged up your butt crack.

But then why wear a bikini for walking a bloody dog?

I was going to ask her this when Madonna burst out of my room and trampled down the stairs.

Chloe ran up five minutes later saying she should ring Mum because Madonna was sick.

I offered to look after her, but being second eldest and therefore more responsible Chloe sent me off to school whilst she made a ‘phone call’ and ‘looked after Madonna‘. This is basically Chloe’s way of saying missing first period for lounging around eating Domino’s pizza and sipping Grey Earls tea like a proper Modern Queen. Mind you she’d be sipping along to Army of Two or Pompeii or maybe a little bit of School’s Out!!!!!


In isolation immediately for wandering in school premises in ‘lustrous and disrespectful clothing just for the pleasure of the male eye’. In other words: like a f**cking tart looking for a bit of sexual pleasure. Which could be true. At least Harry saw me- with my top pulled down because Fido was pulling at it this morning when I was walking him. He asked me if I was single and if I wanted to meet him later for hot sex round the back of Holiday Inn like Callum &Parie. Okay. Maybe not. My top was up, and Fido was in the middle of a doggy doo and I had Madonna’s old black Jack Wills jacket over my tankini but he had the decency to gawp… at my bulging padded chest…


Harry came in with my homework from Maths and was asked to get my lunch for me so I didn’t ‘draw attention to myself’. In other words: So that I wasn’t dragged in the bogs for a gang bang with about several sexy and fit Post Sixteen boys. God, I didn’t know Mrs. Rims was so strict. I tried to take off my Jack Will’s jacket as soon as I heard Harry’s footsteps but she snapped: “If it is too hot Marilyn would you like me to turn on the air conditioner?”

But the good news was that my jacket was half off exposing nothing but skin and boobs (this time my top was down just an inch). Harry put my lunch on the table and whispered how hot I was. Worth every minute of this stupid isolation!



September 20th

Madonna is still ill and Mum is furious with me.

Last night she found my tankini stuffed under my small collection of ancient unwanted teddies, and asked why I had it and if it had any history behind it for being hidden. Just as I was spouting a ton of bull, the phone rang and Mrs. Rims called my mother to tell her that I should never come to school in ‘nothing less then an outfit‘. In other words: Don’t f**cking come to our school in anything which will get you raped and soaking wet by first period.

Which by the way, I said to my second boyfriend’s new girlfriend (the one who doesn’t know what a Blue Waffle is- she thinks it’s a new kids teddy which makes me think she’s under about 5 now) and she said that ‘raped’ was what you do to leaves in the autumn (which is raked! You don’t f**cking shag leaves!!!!), and that ‘soaking wet’ is when your stuck in a storm or when it’s raining lots and lots (yeah raining male f**cking fluids!).

Mum has decided I won’t go to school, which might be a punishment for me (like oh no I’ll be missing hockey in pouring rain with the lesbo teachers! How will I survive?!), but it ended up a punishment for Chloe because she was still expecting to be the Modern Queen for a day. When I went to see Chloe out (with Fido tugging on the lead) she told me to leave the remains of her Domino’s Pizza alone. I laughed and reached over to the radio by the door and found a decent song on the charts called A Thousand Years and turned it up full blast.

Chloe rolled her eyes and said “Vampires these days.” and ran off down the path green with jealousy. Not literally. I have no idea what she meant.


Watching Twilight Breaking Dawn part 1 and found out what Chloe meant. A Thousand Years is a song from this film.


Started on Hunger Games not as good as the book so switched it off and put on a bit of good old Mean Girls.


Nah, turned DVD player off in the middle of the fourth film (which happened to be Beautiful Creatures) and am curled up re-reading some boring book about Goths ’borrowed’ from Madonna to see if converting to a sexy blonde is a tradition for Gothism. It’s not. But longing for death to come early is supposed to be a law for Goths. I’m going to try out being a Goth for a day.


Chloe’s been back for ages and has kept moaning for ages. She must be ridiculously mad with me for turning up music (?!) because she told Mum I still went on Second Life because I installed it again. Mum slapped me (BOOM!) across the cheek and has confiscated my laptop for a month. Great. Even my second life has to suffer. Which isn’t fair for my avatar and her vampire baby- if she has one.

September 21st

Back at school and during assembly Mrs. Rims has announced that introducing a uniform might be a better idea for our school. Please tell me it’s not because of my Mum putting forward the idea.

Claudia, Hayden and Ellie all think it’s my fault that this new law has had to be introduced for wearing nothing more then a tankini. I guess Hayden and Ellie haven’t told Claudia they helped me pick the ‘illegal’ outfit.

September 22nd

Mum didn’t put up the new law because she was too busy last night to make the suggestion. I wonder why she said she needed to leave at ten at night? I’m sure very few work starts at ten apart from a stripper or maybe a prostitute. Both wouldn’t suit my Mum exactly because she doesn’t really like that kind of stuff, which most girls in my year would kill their best mates for a job which required nothing but going to bed with a million fit boys every night. I guess it’s ‘their cup of tea’. So is it really my fault uniform is required just because I came in with a Marks & Spencers tankini and Primark (half price) killer heels?

Anyway, everyone at school is moaning because of the stupid introduction of uniform and some Emos namely, Natasha and Ben are saying they’ll commit suicide tonight if they are forced to wear uniform. Would this make me a murderer if it’s my fault?

September 23rd

Harry’s gone back to how he used to be, linking arms with a new girlfriend and ignoring me but to ask what we have next period. He no longer admires my chest, face or legs. He just admires my availability to do homework for a cheap price. And I don’t even do this. I guess I’m back to quiet geeky girl in corner. It was like my isolation was in my past life.

I miss Second Life. I might miss my avatar giving birth to a vampire baby. I hate Chloe so much.


Essex girl is downstairs and Mum is in her fluffy pyjamas, shouting at her. Being nosey, I go see what she wants. She says she wanted to ask Madonna if she wanted to sleep-over. Mum’s face lit up and she grinned from ear to ear. Madonna gets to sleep over on a school night. That is so cool but unfair! Madonna’s still tipsy from her illness! If it was me Mum would have thrown me back on the sofa and forced me to gulp down some Calpol and then make me do some Tai Chi! Besides, Mum says that ‘Camilla’ (Essex girl to you and me) is a bad example.

September 24th

Saw Madonna sat on the Druggie’s Wall, knocking back a bottle of alcohol, with a glass half full (or empty?) with a clear drink which I guessed was vodka. Madonna saw me and dragged a boy who stank of cannabis and had a big chunky cigar in his mouth towards her and did a full on snog, tongues and everything. I looked to my left and saw that Callum was wondering towards Madonna. I darted behind the Druggie’s Wall (two couples were already undressed down to their underwear both sharing a cigarette) and hoped Madonna didn’t see me.

I didn’t need Madonna threatening me too (Chloe’s being extra careful I don’t grass on her to Jaymi seeing as she told Mum I still had an Second Life account).

Callum came right up to my unrecognisable sister and hauled himself on the Wall almost immediately offered a packet of a brown substance. God knows which drug it could have been.

Then my sister spouted bull and I felt sorry for Callum, even though he cheated on Madonna for a Greek Goddess.

“What ya want ya bash’td?” My sister was seriously drunk, and her voice was eerily slurred.

“Babe, I’m so sorry, but I want you back. Give me another chance?”

“For what? F*** all!”

“That’s not true.”

“You’re a cheatin’ bash’td! Don’t tell me that you didn’t f**cking put it up Parie!”

“What you on ‘bout?”

“You know quite well what I’m bangin’ on ‘bout! I saw ya butt-naked wriggling round in a patch of rubbish at Holiday Inn. Couldn’t even provide a proper bed for your f**cking dick to meet her bloomin’ whatyamacallit. Well get lost, ya not worth me time!” And then she snogged that cannabis kid.


Essex girl is here and has offered to paint Madonna’s nails and dye her blonde hair red. What is up with my sister? She’ll look like a mood light, changing colour every week.

Mum told me that ‘Camilla’ would be sleeping over here, so that basically cancels out my inviting Hayden and Ellie round to mine tomorrow (Claudia’s still huffy). Fido doesn’t look too happy about Essex girl either, and I think it’s because she’s sad on his squeaky.

Monday September 25th

Good news!

Or not.





Tuesday September 27th

Everyone is acting like a child whose just discovered there is a lollipop under the sofa. Yes. We are having a lesson on sex, although I seriously doubt we’ll be watching the differences between gay and straight. It’ll be like all other lessons. A worksheet with hundreds of questions and a short PowerPoint on puberty. But, it seems Hayden is overjoyed because you have to admit- our Life Skills lessons are pretty boring. We were learning about the God-damn meaning of love. Sounds interesting? It turns out ‘love’ means liking something very much. There was no mention of couples of friend love. Just love for work and how to earn money.

There is more great news! Due to an excessive amount of threatening notes and some of withdrawal, uniform will not be introduced except that if you should come to school in anything ‘inappropriate’ you will be sent home or made to wear a jumper from Oxfam. This pretty much frightened the living daylights out of everyone-including the new Year Sevens who are trying desperately trying to act hard, like I did when I first started.

You can bet I won’t be walking in school waggling my hips without wearing about seventy layers- anything but Mrs. Rims green yoghurt stained Oxfam jumper. I am petrified.


Came back after illegally walking Fido (still grounded but Mum was at her mysterious work) and saw something horrifying. Yes, I saw Madonna and Essex girl (who has now dyed my sisters hair back to bleached blonde) which is scary enough.

I was passing Druggie’s Wall where I saw Cannabis Kid smoking- well do I need to spell it out for you? But I saw Jaymi. And he was not snogging my sister. He was snogging… Hailey…

Chloe’s boyfriend was snogging Hailey!

Wednesday September 28th

Our sex lesson was a lot more pornographic then I was expecting. I was expecting Mrs Rims waving around a plastic vagina explaining the cycle of female periods, or maybe a little childish video on love and sex meant for Year Six children.

But no. We had a very sexy, funny teacher called Miss. Joanna, who was an obvious flirt and luckily for the boys, only about a year older- about 16. She was wearing the tightest translucent white vest top which was V-cut and exposed more breast then the girls wanted to see. Miss. Joanna had a very sexy hairstyle too- long and curly and not the salon curls either. Pure natural ringlets, like mine, but less frizzy. Miss. Joanna kept leaning over all the boys, her cleavage tipping her further down. It was gruesome but I think Kieran Pompeii got a bit too over-excited, hence the large lump against his trousers. That's the first time I've seen a boy so erect, his trousers are lifting with his doo-dah. It was just grotesque.

Also, Miss. Joanna put on a video which made me beg to go to the toilet just to escape watching a fit teen boy walk into the shower and cleanse his fore skin. All the time, Miss. Joanna kept her eyes on both Kieran Pompeii and Mattie Hazel (he loves tits). I ran out of the class as soon as Miss. Joanna gave me permission to leave. On my way to the loo, I bumped into Luthanial who looked lost.

"You lost too?"

I had no idea what he was on about, but I pointed out I was going to the loo. Luthanial said he was supposed to be going to a sex lesson so I pointed him towards Room 9 (the Human Rights room) where the flirty 16 year old was waggling her breasts around. By now, Miss. Joanna would be snogging poor Mattie whilst having Kieran eagerly undo his trousers. I told Luthanial I felt sick because I wasn't prepared to watch a real-life non-animated penises going up a just as real-life non-animated vagina.

Luthanial looked eerily the mirror image of my feelings, but he turned away. He told me he hated sex lessons and he wanted to find out how to excite a woman without making her do things she didn't want to. So I ended up telling him how Harry made me wear a tankini because I fancied him (what? Luthanial was an honest truthful young man- he could keep a secret right?).

Luthanial burst out laughing, but a hollow harsh laugh. He tapped me on the shoulder and said these exact words: "Marilyn, he's a player- a play-boy. He just wants a girl with big boobies and a nice bum to flirt with and shag. I wouldn't do that. Don't get your heart broken Marilyn- he just wants to see skin and not the person inside it." Strangely, I felt happy someone would say something like this- such a heart-felt speech but then I remembered this was glorious Harry we were banging on about. I wouldn't listen to a fat loser like Luthanial (although he's tall and slender). I told him that I was touched that he was looking out for me but I'd rather not take his advice. He hung his head and was about to say something- although I was mildly disturbed by the sexual sounds that escaped Room 9. I quickly said goodbye and hid in the loos, hugging myself. This one time, I wanted my Mum to write a letter of complaint. I never want to see another erect penis or sexy teen teacher again.


Fourth Period. Currently sat besides Luthanial and Mattie. At lunch, Luthanial kept avoiding me, like I'd rejected him in some way. I saw Jaymi with Hailey, with his left hand halfway down her long skirt and right up her t-shirt. I saw Chloe later, linking arms with him. I bet she didn't know that earlier he was practically raping her eldest sisters best friend.  Why hasn't Madonna said anything? Surely, she'd know that her best friend was dating Chloe's boyfriend! I am going to confront her about it tonight.

Thursday 29th September

Madonna told me she hadn't got a clue what I was on about and told me to get lost because she was having a period pain.

I had to go to Room 9 again for the second lesson on sex. This time I asked to move from Kieran and not to be moved next to Mattie. Miss. Joanna moved me next to Claudia (yay!) and Luthanial. Claudia told me that when I'd left to go to the loo, Miss. Joanna sat besides Kieran with her hand on his knee and slowly advancing towards his boxer shorts. We were spluttering with laughter, until Luthanial demanded we shut-up because he wanted to be 'empathetic' towards female pregnancy. I said it should be sympathetic but he told me he wanted to feel the pain. I just shrugged and left him to be 'empathetic'.

Miss. Joanna took out a model of a pregnant woman and began teaching us what happens when a girl falls pregnant (throwing up and f**k all like that).


Hailey came round with Essex girl and they keep talking to Madonna about something really weird. They went like this:

"Well, when you f**cking do it tell me, because I need to try it out." (Essex girl 'Camilla')

"Hm. I'll try it as soon as possible for you Cam. And besides, what if he doesn't want to try it with me?" (Madonna)

"Trust me, he'll want to do it with you. Just... express yourself. Then give the rest back to me and Cam. We want it too you know! It's not just you and Cokey trying it out. I'll have a go with Ashley." (Hailey the cheater)

"Or Jaymi?" (Essex girl 'Camilla')

"Shh! Yeah, okay, Jaymi too.  But definitely Ash first." (Hailey the cheater)

"Hey, don't call Stephen Johnson Cokey- he can't help if he likes... cans of coke." (Madonna)

Then the three walked off, leaving me with a Gravy Bone dangling in the air for poor Fido. I chucked it on the floor and locked myself into my room, upstairs. I tried to turn on the telly but the only channel it could access happened to be Cebeebies. I don't think I want to watch Tree Fu Tom or whatever animated crap they put on for little kids.

Friday 30th September


I hear something coming from Madonna's room- like a gentle grunting sound and sighs of happiness. Madonna must be having a very emotionally moving dream. Shit! Oh my God! I heard a voice saying: "Your stomach is bigger, you'll have to -ohhhh- tell your mother soon-" The rest drained away into a whispery voice. I can't help it- I have to know what's going on in Madonna's room, but I don't think you can talk so emotionally involved in your dream... Fido is whimpering under the bed, chewing on a corner of his blanket in his blue tartan basket. I feel sorry for him. I went to see what was happening in Madonna's bedroom and- OH MY BEEEEEEEEEP BEEP BEEPITY BEEEPING BEEP BEEPERS BEEP BEEP BEEEEEEEEP! My sister was having sex with Cannabis Kid! I can not breathe...

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