Does everything goes back to normal after a suicide?

Can life go back to normal when you best friend kill themselves? Do people expect that you get over it, just like that.
You just don't get over yet, not something like that.
You can't..


2. A Year Later

It was lunch time and I was getting my lunch out of my locker, when I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket.
  ‘Hey sweetie. Are we having lunch together today?’ it was from my girlfriend, Amy. We have been dating for 3 months now; she transferred to our school 8 months ago. She knows about the girl who killed herself, but she doesn’t know that she was my best friend. 
I texted her back ‘Can’t today, meeting up with an old friend. But we are still on for after school?

‘Okay, I just eat with my girlfriends and I just meet you at your locker after school.’ I put my phone back in my pocket, grabbed my lunch and walk away from the cafe, where I could see Amy sitting with her friends and walked over to the door, that said ‘Roof’ on it.


It’s been a long time since I have been here. I looked around and saw Alisa sitting on a box, eating lunch.
   “Well look at that. Charlie. Back from the dead. Long time no see? Shouldn’t you be with your girlfriend?” Alisa said when she saw me. I guess I shouldn’t blame her for being mad at me.


Maybe 3-4 month ago after the suicide, I… well you could call it fall of the face of the earth. When I really left school to go into a mental hospital, after I one day at home almost beat the life out of my big brother Michael in front of my little brother Tyler and my mom, where I was after worth diagnosed bipolar. While I was in treatment my therapist advised me to close up the biggest connections to Hayley, the girl who killed herself. To make sure that the meds react like they should. It took my almost 4 days in treatment before I could say her name without yelling at my therapist. In the end I stopped talking to Alisa but I knew I had to explain to her why I stopped talking to her and transferred out of the classes I had with her.


I look a deep breath and say “Hey Alisa. Look I get it, you’re mad. I get it. I didn’t choose to stop talking to you. It was a hard choice to make but I needed to make it. If I don’t wanna end up in a mental hospital every time I have a panic attack or a manic episode when the meds isn't enough. I almost forgot to tell you, I’m bipolar. So is there anything else you wanna yell at me for?” I looked at her as her hand lifted to her mouth.
 “I didn’t know but that don’t give you an excuse for not telling me. Why are you even here Charlie?” Alisa said and looked at me. She looked like she was fighting hard to not show that she was shaking.

  When you first meet Alisa, she seam the tuffs girl, and you rarely she her cry but looking at her now, anyone could tell that at any moment now she could start crying.

  “You know why I’m here Alisa.” I said simply.

She knew. I think everyone in the school knew.


Today mark the day Hayley killed herself.


Alisa had turned around on the box, so she was sitting with her back to me again. “I get why you here. Well you have been up here. Now leave.” Alisa said coldly and began eating again.

  “I was planning on explaining and say sorry to you, but I leave. Just remember that Hayley was my best friend too.” I said and left.


I threw my lunch in the trashcan on my way to my locker.
 When I arrived at my locker, I saw Amy standing by it. “Hey. I thought you were having lunch with the girls?” I said and kissed her on the cheek. “Well, I was but I got a text from, well you saying to meet you by your locker.”
  “I didn’t send you a text.” I said as I reached into my pocket to find my phone, but it wasn’t there. I put my hand to my head,
‘Alisa’ I thought. “I didn’t send you that text but I know who did. If we leave now I explain or try to at least.” I said, knowing why Alisa sent that text to her. I had to come clean about Hayley.

  As we turned our backs away, people started coming of the cafe. People were talking but I didn’t pay attention until I heard Alisa’s voice roaming though the hallway.
WHAT AM I THEN CHARLIE?” I stopped walking with Amy.

Everyone in the hallway stopped what they were doing and I turned around.

  People moved to the side, so there’s were a path from Alisa to me. “What am I then to you Charlie? Was I just a bagged friend from Hayley, one you have to pick up when she died and then when you got better, you just forget me. Is that what I am to you Charlie?” Alisa was angry but you could still tell her voice was shaking and was fighting hard to keep steady.

  You could also hear small gasps and OMG’s around the hallway when Alisa said Hayley’s name, it was the first time since she died that I heard Alisa say her name out loud.


I let go of Amy’s hand and took a step throws Alisa. “You know that’s not true Al. I do care about you; I didn’t forget about you, you know that. You and Hayley are my best friends. You know that.” As I said that I forgot everyone around us, even Amy. But I snapped right back, when I heard Amy gasp.

 I looked back at her quickly and saw her eyes were full of hurt and sadness but most was disappointment.

  “You know what Charlie? I don’t care anymore. If you want, you don’t have to talk to me anymore. Ever. But just remember that Hayley would never, ever stop talking to you because of a therapist advice. You meant the world to her. You know that. Everyone knows that. You know what, just forget it. Forget Hayley killed herself. Forget that we were ever friends. I don’t care. Have fun in your new happy life.” I looked at Alisa as she says it. If you look closely you could see tears rolling down her cheeks.

  She pulled out my phone and threw it at me. “You dropped your phone on the roof.” She said coldly and turned around and left. Everybody slowly started going back what they were doing before.


I turned and looked at Amy, who was crying. “Why didn’t you tell me? I know you’re bipolar; telling me that the girl who died used to be your best friend, it wouldn't change things you know I’ve would be okay about it. You know that.”
  “I’m sorry Amy, I should have told you, but I was afraid you were gonna start treating me different because of it, I didn’t want you to look at me like a mess, who takes pills to control my moods. I’m sorry.” I said, I tried to reach for her hand but she pulled her hand back.

  “I can’t do this right now. I gotta go. I call you.” She said and left the school running.

Just like I did a year ago when I got the new about Hayley.


I sat on the edge of my bed, holding my head in my hands. Frustrated. 'Wish I told her sooner, didn't mean for her to find out this way' I thought. I looked up from my hands and something on my desk caught my eye, a small shoe box that wasn't there this morning. My mom must have put it there. It just said my name on the lid, so I slowly opened it.

There's was an envelope on top of a book, I laid the envelope down next to the shoe box and picked up the book.


It was the old scrapbook I made with Hayley. I almost forgot I made this with her.

 There were pictures of us as kids, as teens and as high scholars. A lot of them was taking with a Polaroid camera so they were tapped in, but as I got to the last pages a picture feel out. I didn't remember this one, it was her, but yet she looked so different. You could tell that the smile she had on was fake, and the thick layer of make-up was hiding the real her. She didn't look happy.


The bottom right corner had a small black arrow pointing to the right.

I flip the picture and on the back it said 'This is what you see, it all fake. I need to feel free again. I need to be me.' I felt something wet coming down on my cheeks. It was then I realized. I was crying. I can't remember the last time I cried. I didn't even cry when I was told she had killed herself. I wiped the tears away with the back of my hand and put the picture back in the book and put the book back in the shoe box.


I looked at the letter next to the shoe box, I picked it up, shifted in my hands before closing the box.

I took my jacket from my chair and put the envelope in the pocket before walking out. I need air and room if I'm gonna read this letter.


I got out of my car and looked around. I was standing by the river that ran underneath the bridge, I walked down to one of the big rocks that was by the bed of the river and sat there looking out at the water. It almost felt that the letter from Hayley was burning in my pocket, so I took it out and put it next to me. Thinking if I should read it. If I needed to know why she wrote it, know why she killed herself last year.

After 15 minutes of arguing with myself I picked up the letter, ripped it up and folded out the paper that was in the enveloped.


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