Feeling Payne

I'm Kasey. Even though i don't want to be anymore. I tried to stop, but it was to painful not to do it. I cant handle it anymore, i just want to get it over with so no one could ever hurt me again, never ever again. One cut is all i will need to end this hopeless life I'm living. But just as the tiny blade was about pierce my pail skin, i heard a deep voice ring in my ears,"Kasey, stop. You mustn't sacrifice what you don't have. My child, you are far from your time to leave this earth, i have greater plans for you." Could that have been God? I have been a Christian for sometime before, but i lost God a long time ago, so why now? What was his greater plans for me? I didn't have time to look for the answers, because my mom had just walked right into my room, gasping, eyes wide, looking straight at the blade in my right hand. . . (Note: in this story Liam Payne doesn't do the things i say hee does in real life.)

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4. Four

*WARNING: Strong Sexual Content*

I tried to scream, but all that came out were muffled sounds. I tried to move, but something was holding me down. My ears were filled with white silence that I couldn’t stand to hear any longer. Why wasn’t anyone here to help me? Why couldn’t I defend myself from Him? Why is it that the sounds of ripping clothes filled my ears every few seconds?

More importantly, why were there sounds of MY ripped clothes filling my ears? 

His face was so close to mine that I could smell the wave of alcohol that overflowed onto my face and the ripped shredding of clothes I had left. My fist raised up to hit his face or something that could buy me some time and allow me to escape his clutches. My fist connected with his jaw, and he let out sharp breathe.

“Pumpkin, remember what I said about you fighting back?” he warned me of the threat he had sent my way, that felt like hours ago, but was only minutes. 

My eyes widened in horror as his uncomfortably clammy hands travelled every inch of my body. I tried to raise my leg so that I could connect my knee with his gut or his crotch, but one of his palms reached down and roughly pushed my leg to the side of his body. I tried moving my leg back to where it was before it moved, but his body was now in between my legs. Horrifying images of what he was about to do were running wild in my mind.

He is going to rap me. 

No, I can’t let that happen. I have to be strong and fight back!

I started rapidly scrumming, trying to get out of his hold, and he let out a groan. I instantly stopped wide eyes in horror of the noise that just came out of his mouth. Okay, another idea. 

I started screaming my head off, “Help me! Some-” a clammy hand clapped over my mouth.

“Little bitch! I thought I told you to be quiet!” His eyes were red with rage then he raised his free hand in the air and it collided with my cheek. Then I saw a light bulb go off inside his head when he slurred, “You wouldn’t want anyone to ruin our fun, now would you?”

“Please stop,” my voice muffed by his hand covering my mouth.

“Tsk, tsk, now I thought you were enjoying this,” he said, leaving spit on my face as he rubbed himself against me.

My eyes filled with more tears of disgust," Please, I'll do anything. Just please stop." 

His hand went down to the buckle of his belt,"Anything, huh?" I heard his zipper go down, then felt his pants shimmy down his legs."How about you give me what i want?"

For some reason i thought he was going to say something else. "What do you want?" I whispered, my voice shaky with fear of what he would say.

"You."

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My body flew forward out of bed as i screamed. My knees going to my chest naturally, rocking back and forth. Tears staining my cheeks as i remember his sweaty face, the smell of alcohol, his malicious voice, and those cursed clammy hands. 

"No. No. No. No. No." I say it over and over until i reassure myself that it wasn't real, he isn't here to hurt me again, it was just the same dream that comes to haunt me every night since the incident.

It's just the dream, I tell myself. That horrible, disgustingly real dream. The dream that isn't a dream, but a vivid, ghostly memory. 

I cry and sob and whither in my bed all night, that memory playing in my head a thousand times, and the words that came out of the his mouth echoing in my head.

Then i can't take it anymore, the memory of what he did to me is too much for me to handle. So i walk into the bathroom, reaching into the pill cabinet. I grab a small bottle in the very back behind rows of other prescription drugs. I always put it at the top.

I popped the lid open to see my razor and band aids. Immediately i take the blade to the inside of my arm and slice. Slice away the memory. Slice away the clammy hands running along my body. Slice away the alcohol on his breathe and the words that roll of his tongue. Slice away the feeling of dirtiness and disgust and failure. Slice until my arm was flowing with blood. That horrible man took away more than just my virginity. 

He took away Me.

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So how did you guys like it? This was more of a filler chapter, and now you guys know why she cuts. Surprise? Tell me what you think!

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