Confused

This is a Ianthony fanfiction. Ian has fallen in love with his best friend Anthony, but he knows that Anthony is straight, and he's scared what Anthony might think of him, if he knew what Ian's feeling.

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2. Love

Ian slowly opened his eyes. The bright morning sun was shining through the window and hit his face. Ian moaned annoyed and turned away from the window, while pulling the blanket over his head. But as soon as he moved, Ian felt a great headache appear, probably from the lack of sleep and the endless crying. He wanted to cry more, but the truth was, that he had no more tears to cry. And he felt very tired after yesterday. It had been awful.

 

Every minute Ian looked at Anthony, he felt like he was about to cry. And Anthony had tried his best to cheer him up the whole day, playing games with him, telling him jokes, making his favorite food, telling him that Melanie didn’t deserve him anyway. But it didn’t help a lot, ‘cause it wasn’t because of Melanie, he was sad. It was because of Anthony. There was no way Ian could deny it anymore.

 

Ian was indeed in love with his best friend.

 

So while Anthony ran around and tried to cheer his best friend up, Ian just watched his love’s hopeless attempts to cheer him up from something different, than what he really needed help with. But anyway, if Anthony knew what Ian really felt, then what could he do? Suddenly turn gay? Or leave Ian alone with his feelings? Honestly, it would probably be the last one. There was no mid-between. Would Anthony be grossed out, if he knew, what Ian felt about him? In Ian’s head, there was only one true answer to that; yes.

 

And what just made it worse was, that Anthony was going to propose to his longtime girlfriend, Kalel, who Ian couldn’t help but hate sincerely. Not that there was anything bad about her. Kalel was pretty, kind and lovely, even Ian could see that. But he felt like she was stealing Anthony. Taking him further away from him. Maybe, just maybe, if Kalel wasn’t there, Ian would have a chance.

 

Or not. Ian knew what the chance of that would be. It wasn’t big. Actually it was very small.

 

Ian had almost felt happy, just a little bit, about Anthony’s hopeless, yet cute attempts to cheer him up. But then Anthony had showed him the ring. The ring that he had bought to Kalel, and which he would give to her on their little trip to Tokyo next week.

 

That week, Ian thought, would be the end for him. Why didn’t he realize sooner, how deeply in love he was? Or maybe he realized it long time ago. He just didn’t want to see it. He had felt it, but ignored it, had even got a girlfriend, just to prove the point to himself. The point that he was straight. And now he payed the price for his stubbornness. ‘Cause now he was too deep into this love, and Anthony was getting engaged, before Ian had a chance to tell him his true feelings. It would had been easier to tell Anthony the truth, before he was getting engaged. Before Anthony’s relationship got too serious. Not that it would change Anthony’s reaction though. It would just be easier to tell the immature young Anthony his feelings, rather than the mature engaged Anthony.

 

But Ian had pushed it away for too long, and now it was too late. Anthony was becoming a real man now, an adult who didn’t play around with different feelings or sexualities. A man who knew what he wanted, who had chosen it and had bought a ring to prove his straight sexuality and love to a girl. Like Ian had wanted to prove it as well, but had messed it up with Melanie, because he couldn’t keep his focus on her for 2 damn seconds, before thinking of Anthony again, and just waiting for the next time they would meet. That should had warned him already then, but yet again he had excused it as a strong friendship.

 

And now he was here. Laying alone in his bed, trying so hard to keep the thoughts out, to prevent even more tears to appear and to ignore the growing headache. Anthony had insisted on staying in the house overnight, and Ian had been too tired to do anything else than just agree.

 

With a silent sigh, Ian pushed the blanket off and swung his legs out of bed. The floor felt icing cold under his feet, as he stood up and exited the room in a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. Old habits automatically brought him to the kitchen, where he turned the coffee machine on. It started with a loud noise, and Ian grabbed a cup, when he suddenly heard a hoarse sleepy voice.

 

“Ian?”

 

Ian spun around with a pounding heart and almost dropped the cup in his hands. He immediately relaxed, when he saw Anthony’s sleepy eyes looking at him from the couch. He hadn’t even seen him there. As soon as Ian got over the shock, he frowned at Anthony.

 

“What the hell are you doing on the couch?”

 

Anthony frowned back and stared down at himself and the blanket that covered him, before he stared back at Ian, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

 

“Well, I’ve been making a cake and holded a party. What the hell do you think? I’ve been sleeping here, silly.”

 

“But- Why didn’t you sleep in the bed? You know, the one you slept in while you still lived here?” Ian asked confused and immediately felt a pain in his stomach by the words. While you still lived here.

 

Anyway, Anthony didn’t seem to notice.

 

“Well, I….” Anthony said, and Ian noticed a faint blush on his cheeks. “I didn’t feel like it. It felt kinda… awkward, you know? It brings back all the old memories, and I just….”

Anthony smiled as he mentioned the old memories. “I don’t want to miss it all again, that’s all. It’s not weird, ok?”

 

“No no,” Ian quickly bursted out, maybe too quick. “That’s not weird at all, but do you… do you miss it? Living here, I mean”

 

Anthony laughed shortly, and it might had been Ian’s imagination, but he was sure he heard regret in Anthony’s laugh.

 

“Yeah sure, sometimes. We had good times here, ya know? But it’s not like I want to move back or anything.”

 

“No, of course not,” Ian replied and felt deeply hurt. He turned away to pour up some coffee, when he suddenly felt sick. A pain grew in his stomach and head, and he barely noticed the cup falling out of his hand and shatter into millions of pieces on the floor.

 

Ian grabbed the kitchen counter to keep his balance, as his legs weakened, and he felt like he was about to throw up. He didn’t hear Anthony run over to him, before he felt his hand on his shoulder and heard his worried voice.

 

“Ian! Are you alright?”

 

No no no. That was all too close. Ian could feel the warmth from Anthony’s naked torso and feel his hot breath against his neck and ear. It was making him insane.

 

Ian quickly nodded and tried to turn away from Anthony. Don’t look at his body. He only have boxers on, don’t look at him.

 

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. Just a bit dizzy, that’s all,” Ian stuttered and shivered as Anthony moved closer, trying to comfort Ian. Anthony surely thought, Ian was feeling bad again because of Melanie. Oh, how wrong he was.

 

He needed space, needed to get Anthony away. The warmth, so close to him, so damn close, and Ian couldn’t keep his mind straight. Space. Now.

 

“Could you get me a pill, Anthony? I’m sure that would help,” Ian said and avoided any eye contact with Anthony, who he knew was looking at him with those big, beautiful brown eyes.

 

“Sure Ian,” Anthony said, still worried, and Ian felt his hot breath against his cheek, so close was he. There was a short silence, before Anthony slowly, so slowly, removed his hand from Ian’s shoulder, and Ian could hear his steps move down the hallway towards the bathroom.


It was first when Ian heard Anthony open the door, that he bowed his head and started crying.

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