Gotta Be You


I glance up at him, and sure enough he has tears trickling down his face. I reach up and wipe them away with my thumb.

“I thought I had lost you. I don’t know what I would’ve done if I had.” He says it slightly louder now. “I was terrified. I shouldn’t have left you. I should have been by you that whole time.” He shakes his head, tears flowing steadily now.


18. Old Memories

Megan’s POV


My eyes are slowly pried open when I feel someone watching me. My eyes slowly adjust to the little Irish leprechaun in front of me; eyes glimmering in the early light.


“Good morning gorgeous” he says with much enthusiasm. I lightly hum in affection as he kisses my neck gently. I wrap my legs around his torso as he rolls me on top of him. We stay that way for a while; him holding the back of my thighs as I rest my hands on his bare chest; my hair creating a barrier for the two of us.


Niall’s eyes scan my body and I start to feel self-conscious. I quickly cover my stomach with my hands and rush to the washroom.


I shut the door leaning against it gently. I turn to the tap and start it up; wetting my face with the cool water. I remove the excess make-up from under my eyes and fix my hair in a messy bun. I fix my baggy shirt by tucking the sides into my bright orange short-shorts. I examine over myself again.


When I was younger I had a problem with my esteem. I would look at myself and hate on myself. I had a whole book dedicated to how I felt about myself; a whole book for self-hate. I even stopped eating for a bit, it got so bad.






Three more words added to the list of names I was called. My tears fall and splash onto my notebook; creating craters of salty water. I dap them off my page and continue writing about myself.



I should kill myself.

No one loves me any way.

No one would miss me.

No one would cry, or care.

No one would notice.



I close the book and I looked around my room; my sanctuary. No one came in my room but just for safe measures I place the book under my mattress; hiding it. No one dares to enter through my door, when they do they almost shudder in fear; all the hate written all over one of my walls; red writing standing out on the white paint. People telling me to die, calling me worthless or ugly. It’s all here. Written simply in red paint on my wall. Reminding me of them, and of how weak I really am.


I break down and for the first time I pull out a razor I’ve been saving. I had heard of people cutting and saying how it had released all the stress and pain that they felt. All I want is to feel whole again.


I place the blade at the top of my hip and slide it across; horizontally dragging it through my untouched flesh. I wince in pain but then relax as the pain subsides and I’m filled with a sort of ecstasy.


All I wanted was to feel whole.




I shudder thinking back on it. Walking out into our room I see Niall sitting on the end of the bed peering at me with concerned eyes. He carefully gets up from his place and stalks towards me. He looks me dead in the eyes; trying to find the reason for my sudden absence.


When he ceases to find any answer in my features he takes my hair, moving it to my one shoulder, and kisses my neck lovingly. He grabs me hand and leads me down the stairs.


My eyes scan over the room in search for the others.


“They went home after you went to bed.” He basically reads my mind. I smile up at his which he reciprocates. He takes ahold of my hips and pulls me up to the counter top. He takes his place between my legs before assessing me.


“What’s wrong?” he asks with genuine worry. I gulp down and lower my gaze; my hands becoming suddenly interesting. I twiddle my thumbs; the thing I do when I’m nervous. Niall catches my face in the palms of his large hands and tilts my face up to him; his eyes burning into mine. I huff out in defeat,


“Old memories I guess.” I say, biting my lips to hold the tears from forming. Niall’s mouth opens to respond but his face scrunches up and he closes it. He shifts slightly before starting up again, deciding his new choice in words was better.


“What old memories?” I look up at him, dreading the question. My lip is taken in between my top and bottom teeth; biting harshly. I took a deep breath before staring.


“When I was younger, I starved myself for a year. Even started cutting.” Tears free themselves from my lower eyelid; flowing down my cheeks. I look up at Niall to see that he has tears streaming silently down his face.


He did nothing other than reach up and caress my face in his hand. I lean my face into his big hand; comforted by its warmth. He leans forward and trails light kisses down my jaw line. My eyes flutter closed at the sensation of his lips leaving little wet spots all over my neck; his breath cooling them instantly.


Niall steps out from being tucked into my neck and picks me up; into his arms. He walks us up to our bedroom and he places me gently onto the bed. He lays down beside me; both of us staring at the ceiling.


“That’s why you left bed this morning?” I nodded my head sheepishly. Not daring to look him in the eyes.


“Look at me please.” His voice was full of hurt and sadness. My heart heaved as I looked over at Niall, who had once more tears trickling from his eyes. I wipe them from his face; his eyes flutter closed at the action. When his orbs are revealed again, I’m captivated.


“This” he pauses to lean down and kiss my stomach. “Is for the year you starved. And this” he kisses the freckle I have on my shoulder “is for the little things you hate about yourself.” It’s true, I hated that freckle completely; I hated all my freckles.


His breath comes closer to my face.


“This” he kisses the spot right under my collarbone; the home of my scar from when my cousin and I were in a car accident. “Is for the bad memories.”


“And this” he kisses my hip gently. “Is for all the hurt you’ve ever felt.”


Niall finally leans down and places a gentle kiss to my lips; his scent invading my senses as I bring my hands up to run through his hair. I link my hands there and pull myself closer to him. His tongue slides across my lips and I accept his entrance. He kisses away my memories, my thoughts and my pain.


Leaving me floating on complete air.

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