Letters to My Love

As I move on, away from my dearest, I write him letters, until the very day we are together again.
(My chapters say Day One, etc. They do not go in that literal chronological order, They go by the times I written them. So, Day one would be my first letter, day two my second one and so on.)

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13. Day Thirteen

9/26/14

Dear Mario,

I can't tell you this though text. I can't tell you in person. I know you won't care. You won't help me. This is my form of release.

I feel empty. Sad. Taken away by depression and sorrow. I was getting better, I really was. But now I just feel so depressed. I want to take the razor and cut all my little veins until I die. It's been two years since I've last cut and I'm proud. But I feel so ready to relapse. My life is spinning around and around and I don't feel good. Everyday I feel sick, oh so sick. My physical body doesn't feel good. I don't feel good mentally either. Most of my days, I'm usually spaced out. I zone out. I think of things; scenarios that make me feel happy. I try to take care of myself. I can't do it. I feel like shit. I look like shit. I'm so sad. People in my life make me sad, Mario. You make me sad. You suck my love and joy out of me. But I'm used to it. It happens everyday. It sucks. I don't get much back. I feel like I'm suffocated. The court date is set up. But I don't want to go. I don't want to see that piece of shit man who I call my biological father. He's never really been there. He doesn't care about me or my well being. I'm sad. Because you don't care either. I don't want to end up with a heartless man like my father. Who doesn't care about his wife kids. Who only cares about himself. I want to be cared for like I care for you. I don't wanna be blamed for things I don't do. I wanna be loved, cared, and watched for. I want someone who cares about my opinion and how I feel. I want someone who'll want me to be safe. Someone that will hug me and kiss me when I need it. Someone who will do anything for them. Cause I need it; I deserve it. I deserve to be loved and cared for. Those I love you's are nothing. I'm still empty. And I'm left empty. I'm left alone to die for on the floor.

When will I ever be cared for? No one ever cares or notices me.

-Small Butterfly

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