Just Me

Just me of course. any way i think so, since i can not remember much lately. you see my head does not work. i say it does not work but what i mean is its just plain daft. take last week for instance....what did i do... yes that was it....no it wasn't.....well any way to cut a long story short my mind is a mess and my life is all over the place. if i say i have a mental health issue will you get where i am coming from. i thought so well welcome to my world........hello.

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1. Without walls.

Hi yes its me again. Only me as i call my self on the phone. Hello only me....and off i go rabbiting on about my problems. there is always a problem. believe me with mental health there is always something pushing itself into your life that you could do without. i dont think people realise the shear pain that a mental illness inflicks on a person. every day you experience mind numbing tougher. every day your mind is ripped apart with mental disturbance. this kind of pain is like living hell on earth. you wonder why you are still here. your grabbing hold of the threads of life with your finger nails when your dragged kicking and screaming into more death and distruction. thats how it apears to start its like being scripted into a horror film and your playing the main part. the orb is spinning infront of you and your in it then out of it....in it, and out of it. it never seems to end unlike the film. hello out there does any body understand mental illness or is every body just hopping it will go away. who am i today yes thats it ime myself. for a minute i thought an alien had ripped my head off and got inside me for the shear hell of it. does this seem far fetched, is it undelievable well keep reading your in for a treat. shhh lissen quietly i hear voices, do you here them to?......

Not nice sweet voices that lull you to sleep no my voices talk of death all the time. you must dye they must dye everybody is going to dye. every body is dying dayly with my voices. god she must be on pills surley she must be. yes thanks ime on loads of pills. never thought before maybe thats why ime so mad. anyway yes thats it i was telling you i am on pills and loads of them. abilify and ambilify and amplafy and all of the above.... what above yes you now all the weard crap they can give you....just keep giving me the pills carnt always get them at the chemist but boy you try.....hello only me again have you got my pills today..... which ones are you refering to madam.......you now all the weard ones in supper big poping packets.....you now...do they now hell no!.

hello only me just been out on a new course. i dont now why i thought it would help. i get these stange ideas that courses might help me develop my confidence then they ask me to do such difficult things like.... can you introduce the person on your left.......can i do what!......yes just talk for ten minutes and then we will go around the room introducing each other. i have never felt so uncomfortable. it must just be me but why do we have to do these things to develope confidence couldnt we just sit and lissen to the lesson. i am very shy and introverted. i can not understand why nobody respects shy people. i suppose we dont push ourselves out enough but we shouldnt need to. in this day and age all sides of sociaty are respected. why is shyness not respected. there are loads of people that are suffering from this personal inner shyness. from birth i was a shy child and since my illness my shyness has only got worse. i find outgoing situations quiet painfull now. i went out for a drink just a couple of weeks ago and i was sick with fear four times. why me i ask but i was born shy why carnt i express that quolity and be respected for it. i dont mean i will be sick all over the place although i might be yet. i mean can we as a sociaty give shy people the opertunity to flurish along side confident people without feeling pushed into the spot light. i want to do somethink. like write a book or be an important artist but i want to do it outside of the public eye. maybe that does sound mad.....and i am mad......its a fact since my illness. anyway my mad idea is i want to be famous with out being on the tv or radio and all those things. why am i such opposits. i am shy but i want to be out there doing things. ime mad. believe me i am so gone but why carnt shy people do amazing things too. we could do with an agency that supports shy writters and artists of all kinds.

hello only me. just been in the garden planting. its nice weather today. feeling abit more confident today. my freeradio walk for kids information came in the post yesterday and i am getting ready to walk 10.5 miles by the 7 july. i have the children this weekend so i hope the weather stays nice. i dont have the children with me because of the illness. i was just to unwell to care for them. people dont realise how debilitating mental health issues can be. i was talking to voices in my head all day and all night. i was very unwell. now my children live with my expartner.  

only me again. just been to shrewsbury to look at furniture, sure people thing i am strange. i feel i seem like i am looking at people wronge. i hate being paranode about things but i am. is it just me or what?......anyway i did not get anything today apart from fish and chips.

Hello its me again. just been trying to understand why i am so slow. i have been trying to get my head around a certain website for ages now. i am so computer illiterate. technology has really past me by. i can not blaim my mental illness on this. its just i have been ill for so long and durring that time things have moved on. i have always been abit green behind the giles though but now i am worse. i have been trying to upload a picture of myself to the website for half an hour now and it just will not load it. it is so frustrating, alleast i am trying i guess. i am so down on myself. forgive me i am so self distructive. i rip myself apart with low self asteem. its what the illness has left me with. i can get so low about my abilities. its not nice to lissen to some times. i keep a diary of my day to day existance with my struggles and striff. its a small way of trying to understand myself. i feel low within my core. there is a big hole inside me that can not be filled buy anything. i try to fill this void with love, self love but it is like a black hole it just sucked the feelings in and then they are gone again.

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