Just Me

Just me of course. any way i think so, since i can not remember much lately. you see my head does not work. i say it does not work but what i mean is its just plain daft. take last week for instance....what did i do... yes that was it....no it wasn't.....well any way to cut a long story short my mind is a mess and my life is all over the place. if i say i have a mental health issue will you get where i am coming from. i thought so well welcome to my world........hello.


2. why me

hello its only me again. when i look at my life all the way through to today i ask. why me?

i guess i think God does not like me. i blame myself in all sorts of ways for me being inflicted with a metal illness. i wonder what i have done right with my life. when i look back i can see sign posts that all lead to me becoming ill. they are not big things but there enought. i have a shy anxious nature which is the beginning. i get anxious quiet quickly and i can not cope with things. i have never been able to sleep very well. as a child i would lissen to the radio into the early hours to try a relax enough to sleep. as i grew up i struggled with sleeping. i suffered from dyslexia at school and i found learning difficult. i hated school. school was a real challenge for me. i would cry at night not wanting to go the next way. Thats not the real crucks of it though. the weird things came later. i really took to religien. i became a raving christian. i was reading the bible literally because of my dylexia. the bible used to make me cry. i could not understand certain life stories in it. i particulary found a life story about a father burning his daughter as a offering to God upsetting. it was a man who was a worrior. to thank God for his achievments on the battle field he said the first thing he saw on his return home he would offer to God as a gift. he fully expected it to be his dog but it was his daughter. so he burnt her on a fire as a offering to God. it was these sorts of things that disturbed me. i had read tarat cards before i had been taken in by my strong belief. i distroyed my cards and burnt them on a fire to be rspectfull to God. to cut a long story short i just went to fare with my belief. i used to tell people what to do and pray all day every day of the week. it does not sound like much but it was an overpowering fear of God that lead me to worship him in all my behaviours. i thought drank eat religien at it drove me to maddness. i had nothing that made any sence in my life. i thought i could find a structure that made some sence in the church but it was wrong of me to expect people in the church to have all the answers about life. because they went to church and followed the bible i believed they had all the answers. these people dont have the answers they are just serviving like the rest of use. i expected to much from God. i was an expecting child looking to a larger than life father who permitted death. i did not understand this new father and i searched through jesus christ to find the humanity in God. jesus talked of love all the time and i felt inadiquet. i felt a faliour because i could not love like jesus. my love is week and febbel in comparison to jesus. his compation was so great. i tryed to turn to him for support and help. i prayed to God through christ every day but still i was suffering. it suppost to be a situation where by life is bearable but it was not. i struggled every day with depression in its different forms. in the end i left my marriage believing that was the answer for me. to get away from the pressures of married life. then i became a single full time mom. it was difficult in different ways. but i made it work. i could because i felt i could. i still missed my partner but i kept going. then out of now where on morning when the children where with my father for the night my illness started.

Why me I say again. If the voices had not started i would have made more sence in my life. I could not understand why i had loads of voices shouting in my head. the voices said they where the FBI and they needed to talk to me. Then they told me to kill myself by taking a rope down to the woods and strangling myself. I dont now how else to tell you but that is the truth of this condition for me. it got worse i was told to starve myself to death also. the voices did not stop they were load in my head to the point that what they said came out of my mouth and i dyed in my own mind. it was like being brain washed. my own mind was killed internally till the voices took over. i dyed in the head over and over again. i kept going into hospital where i was put on different pills. the illness was nasty. I dyed in the head over and over again. the hate messages in the mind were endless. Everybody who has mental illness nows it manifests in lots of different ways that was how it affected me. i was in my own personal living hell. i was living a real horror story. the message every day you must dye. we hate you we want you dead. Now i feel more able to cope with the voices i have got uesd to them now. they can be really cruel but i now what to expect. The drugs dampened my brain down. It was orful. I have been coping now for two years. when you get used to the illness you get the confidence to talk back to the voices. this illness is cruel and i feel people dont understand mental illness very well. most people suffering from these illnesses just want to fit back in to sociaty and live a normal life. I became so ill with the voices that i had to learn to live independently again.

Does anybody really now what courses a mental illness. i have been told that it is one in four people who now suffer with a mental illness. people really need to learn about these conditions because after all we are all human beings. there are many illnesses out there but mental illnesses seem to be the most misunderstood and most feared. Maybe it is because it is different for everybody. Not two illnesses are the same. i suffer from schizophrenia and paranoia. To say all people who suffer from schizophrenia have my symptoms would truly be mad. Some hear voices in the head others speak out the vioces. But it is true to say that most of these conditions are treatable in this day and age. But i am back to the question why me and why you if your suffer from a mental illness too. is it stress induced, I dont drink, i dont smoke and i have never done drugs. so why me. If i had a ladder that lead up to God i would be climbing it now to get his feed back on my plight. I always bring it back to faith because i am searching out for an answer in the age old question of does God exist. After everything that has happened to me in the last five years i would have to admit that i think he hates me. what do i now?

I have suffered for so long in so many ways but was it all just my fault. there is a story in the bible where a man is struck bumb unable to speak for ages. is that what a mental illness is like God stricking us down with illness becuase he is angry with us. God nows i talk some rubbish if he is there! my faith has taken a beating and i have not stayed on top i have fallen from grace. but jesus says he came and his here in spirit to save everybody. so in theary i should be saved. oh i dont now any more i just get confused by all the bible stories. i guess i best not read them any more. Is it true that people in sociaty are scared of people with mental illnesses. Am i an outcast because i have voices that talk to me. Can i be trusted is that the problem. is that the issue in sociaty. people with mental illnesses are not to be trusted. why me i ask again. maybe i should pertition God like Job did. Through the love of Jesus the Christ i most hummbly ask God why i should suffer a mental illness. Maybe I should write him a psalm. Maybe i am a bad person for leaving my marrage and that is why i am punished this way but again i say i people are saved through Jesus so why must i suffer. Am i whinning on abit. i do sometimes because i get so confused by the way i am affected by my illness.

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