Just Me

Just me of course. any way i think so, since i can not remember much lately. you see my head does not work. i say it does not work but what i mean is its just plain daft. take last week for instance....what did i do... yes that was it....no it wasn't.....well any way to cut a long story short my mind is a mess and my life is all over the place. if i say i have a mental health issue will you get where i am coming from. i thought so well welcome to my world........hello.

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5. Every Day

28th September 2015, Hello only me again............. feeling very spaced out at the moment. my voices are relativley quiet these days. i get them at night and when i am alone in the day. they tend to be supportive in irrational and negative ways. for example........if somebody upsets me in the day time they would say,

"Don't you worry yourself about it, that person is evil any way. just keep away from them."

its a negative support encouraging me to isolate  myself even more and avoid people more too. my emotions make more sense these days but i don't think i can follow them still. my head is getting quieter so i can take more advice from that. i passed a group of religious people singing in Shrewsbury last week and they handed me a leaflet that read 'saving your soul'. i thought to my self i have not got a soul to save. its been spiritually ripped out of my body. i don't know how i am still walking about. most of the time i feel like the walking dead. i guess it beats lying in a coffin for thousands of years. i don't know where my soul went but it seemed to slip out of the back of my head along with my spirit.

my life is filled with paranoid thoughts and occasional voices. you know this because i keep you up to date with my life changes. i hope to be moving to London soon. this has its challenges since on visiting London the voices took to telling me i was the queen all day. sounds quiet amusing but to be honest it got a bit intrusive. within the day they would interrupt me rabbiting on about my royal statues. its good that i can see ahead of them and just ignore a large proportion of the chatter they do. i could not imagine what it would be like to try and work with these voices interfering all the time. i would loss concentration and get things wrong. life would be complicated. at least they are quieter now and only a few at a time. i am not afraid of them any more because i did a lot of work talking to them and pushing them back. they are not as disturbing as they used to be. i used to walk up and down the wards in hospital talking out loud to myself because the voices were so many and coming at me from all over my head. my head felt as if it was going to be empty. i thought i would become a vegetable. i did not know what to expect but in the end i had my mind working for me again. i must admit i have lost a lot of my personality. i feel about seventeen years old with all the insecurities of a seventeen year old. i feel lost in my adult world. it feels odd when i look in the mirror and feel old again. then i look away and feel very young again. it is bizarre what i have been left with after the wrath of the illness. when i say my brain was emptied out i mean the voices shouted so loud and filled so much of my head. i actually felt them go right into the middle of my brain and fill it with talking nasty rubbish. they kept swearing and shouting into my mind until strange dead voices surfaced. one such voice was Jone Of Arc who spoke for me. i was in hospital and the doctor called me in to see him. the room was filled with another doctor, my nurse from the ward and two psychiatrists. i at this point i was dead in the back of my head and the only voice coming out of me was Jone Of Arc. on other occasions it was a living voice called Paul McKenna but that's a different story. at other times i have experienced a voice calling himself God talking through me. i did also talk to a lot of dead people, if i visited old ruins i would be talking to the dead buried there. it was a strange experience that i found to be surreal, macarb and sickening some times. the dead often talk as easily as the living. there was know way of knowing unless i asked first,

"are you dead?"

i have talked to Adam and Eve's first children.

Jone Of Arc

A voice called God.

King Solomon

A few disciples unnamed to me.

monks from different sights around Shropshire.

talking to the living and the dead is child's play to me, but does it do me any good that is the question?

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