Just Me

Just me of course. any way i think so, since i can not remember much lately. you see my head does not work. i say it does not work but what i mean is its just plain daft. take last week for instance....what did i do... yes that was it....no it wasn't.....well any way to cut a long story short my mind is a mess and my life is all over the place. if i say i have a mental health issue will you get where i am coming from. i thought so well welcome to my world........hello.

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4. Death

Am i mad or is society round the twist. one in four have mental ill health apparently in this day and age.

Any way its only me again and my pesky voices. just in case you did not know my voices are cruel and they tell me to dye most days. i have an internal dialog that goes something like this.........

we hate you Karena, your an evil girl you must dye....... we don't care about you,........get a rope and find a tree to hang yourself off.

the more i have had these voices the more i have learn't to switch off from aspects of this dialog and move on to finding tactics to deal with them. i fond humor worked for me, such as......

no, not the dying thing again, don't you get fed up of that, or death again what a surprise.

then i move the voices on a bit and the mental dialog changes. i then move on to more meaning full voices (sarcasm) like you are the main female and other bazarre concepts that the voices create within my sycee. i have learn't to have two lives. one with voices and one without. the without life is a day to day normal as i can get existence. then i have the life with voices that break into my head briefly. i talk to them, negotiate with them and listen to them and then i get on with my without life. complicated but it works for me. its not always negative these days eather. some times i get loving voices but that has taken time to evolve. At first it was all death and destruction and the voices were all day and all night. 

you must dye, poison yourself and starve yourself, you do not deserve to live.

it went on and on but i just made fun of it. i was sarcastic to the voices by saying things like, where should i go again and how do i starve myself ect. i played many roles with the voices until they changed there dialog a bit. then i moved on with them to more stupid topics which i could handle better. i have had this illness for seven years now and i have had many strange experiences with it. there has been feelings in my body that were not mine. hallucinations that people were vanishing before me. i have felt that my heart was being stopped internally. this happened because the voices said they were destroying my organs and taking me to death because i must dye. i am still here to tell the tail. this is what voices do. they try to get to you and i have found there are really six ways they try to destroy you as a person. these six ways are.....

1) the voices tried to create fear within me

2)they tried to take control of my life.

3)they usually wanted me to do some thing that was wrong in some way such as hurting myself.

4)they took over my mind by being overwhelming (many voices with different ascents in there voice)

5)they are not fair in many way.

6)if i did not challenge them they would not stop or quieten down so i could not get on with my life.

to achieve the freedom i have know i have had to talk to my voices for years going in and out of hospital. until they started to loss in the fight to control me. i broke free from them more and more until there was less voices in my head. now today i do not communicate with them as much as i did. if they ask me to do things i say 'NO'. i do what i want not what they want. this took time to develop. once upon a time many years ago my voices told me to buy a rat from a pet shop and keep it in my pocket, which i did.......i processed to run away with my ruck sake full of a sleeping bag and other stuff to a small field in the middle of know where. then my mobile phone rang. it was my mom. don't as me how she did it but she found me and took me to her house where i would be safe. when we got to her house i said.........don't be angry mom but i have a rat in my pocket. she did not believe me until i presented her with the white albino rat. my mom was not happy .the rat went straight back to the pet shop after it had wee'd prefussley in my pocket. i have done very strange things under the influence of voices but each thing resulted in me moving on a bit further with my journey of recovery. as i went through these experiences i analysed the voices like a scientist would do with an experiment. i tried out different ways of talking back to the voices until i found the method that worked the best for me. humor and sarcasm are my tools to batter down stubben voices. fear is my friend internally. do not get me wrong i am really shy and afraid of public situations and socializing but i can harness its affect on me where the voices are concerned. as the voices tried to pump fear into me i pushed past my fears and found the end of that nasty game with the voices. without fear the voices grew weaker. don't get me wrong i am not a god because i have done this, don't make the mistake of looking up to me it has all been about self preservation for me. survival was my only option.

 

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