forget, forgot, forgotten ?

Alex is an really normal girl. When she is 12 she falls in love with a boy while on vacation. When they return the next summer everything is perfect. They keep in touch but over the year the contact slowly fades away. When the next summer comes around he isn’t there. In a moment of complete anger and heartbroken she deletes all the contact information. All that’s left are the pictures. Almost directly after she feels miserable. A whole year go’s by and she is sure they will never meet again, a summer passes and she stay’s home. But almost a summer later she sees a clip on youtube, and there he is. Singing on the X-factor. Will they be reunited? And does he still remember her?

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8. chapter 8 - unexpected good events?

A random train under the North Sea - 2011

What now?!

So here i was sitting in a train on my way to Mullingar Ireland. First I would get to London from where I would take a train to Mullingar. I didn’t exactly had a plan of what I was about to do. He had been my summer love for 2 years, and then he just dropped me. He broke his promises and he left me without a real goodbye. I still kept his pictures in my wallet and they were the background on my phone and IPod. You might be asking yourself why? Why would she keep the memories to him if he broke her heart? Well the answer is simple. The memories are my last and only good ones I have. Everything was fine between my dad and me, niall and I were in love, my mum wasn’t the town’s biggest slut and I had a place to live. My parents destroyed all the “evidence” of their love, I think that includes me. All the pictures and everything they burned, but they couldn’t burn me. So they both rejected me and left me. I actually didn’t want to see Niall but he was my only option… yea, I kind of lost my friends as I fell into a depression kind of thing. I started self-harm because of my problems. My problems were quite big but some of my friends had it worse, only I cut myself… I guess its part of my weird personality. I’m really really bad at showing my emotions, I tend to crop them up and well, after a while it gets un bearable. But I don’t have the strength to put up a fight. I just pick up any sharp thing that is nearby and dig it into my flesh. My friends noticed the first time, three cuts. My bracelets didn’t cover the whole wounds, stupid mistake. I told everybody that they were made by my cat. Stupid things believed it. I felt somehow guilty I don’t know why. When the pain in my chest went from bad to worse I would cut. At first I did it rarely, but at the time my friends had left me, it became like a part of my daily routine. I lost my life I guess, even though I was just at the start of it.

 I started living on the internet, one of the things I enjoyed most. I made vlogs for YouTube and joined some fandoms. Only one mistake I made during one of my vlogs… I was walking down the street making comments on everything and anything I saw. But I guess I didn’t notice everything. Because thinking of niall costs me pain I blocked him, so I actually ignored a harry styles who was asking me directions. Yupp, I ignored the big huge and famous harry styles. So as soon as I uploaded the video people kept asking me why I ignored harry styles. So as an explanation I said I really didn’t know who he was. I knew as soon as people pointed it out to me though, but that was a secret I would never tell. So from then on my subscribers found it necessarily to spam me full with one directioners. I guess I had a few directioners who were my fans… I pained me, so my only way out became a pained dark place, a place full of Niall. I deleted my account in a random wav of pain. I was cutting for my life and I got angry with Niall. He managed to take away the only thing that made me happy now days. So I got up took my laptop and deleted my account. Of course the next morning I regretted the decision. But hey! That happened before.so I think my rational decisions turn out bad sometimes. Most times actually, a good carefree life was just not for my account I guess. Oh how I wish that I was Louis. Yupp, so maybe I liked there tracks and although it pained me very much a part of me still loved Niall. I wasn’t in denial because it was obvious, and I have to admit that there songs were good for crying. No, i wasn’t obsessed. Or like some of my fellow directioners called it “dedicated”. A little though because I knew that anyways, that’s not the point. I closed my eyes as the tears began to form. I focused completely on the music

 – “that’s where my demons hiiiide, that’s where my demons hide…” something I shouldn’t have done. I knew I couldn’t hold in as I was singing along. Yupp, me Alex on a train to a person who I hated maybe more than my parents singing along to imagine dragons. “Hello there, little miss I don’t give fucks” I heard a voice say. Ugh, I groaned. “Who are you to judge me?”

“A nobody” great answer. “Nice one, spot next to me is free?” she smiled “I’d like to.” I grinned. So, why would you think I don’t give fucks? “Easy, you lay on 2 seats singing along with your eyes shut. Though time right?” she looked at me in all honesty. Damn, why was she so honest? I knew that I liked it about her, but it also annoyed me. If she was honest I had to be honest to. That meant showing actual feelings trough words and I did not like the thought of it. “Yea, you could call it that. Made a stupid decision so now I’m kind of homeless.” I saw her eyes, but couldn’t really read them. Jesus, I liked her even though she annoyed the living shit out of me. “Well, I have got a place for you in my apartment… but, I will be gone for quite a while from time to time.” She was actually offering me a place to stay? Shit, things couldn’t get better. Knowing me they would get worse, eventually. Right now I enjoyed the little luck. “Oh my… really? That would be like, freaking awesome!”

The rest of the train ride we talked. She was a Geordie but had an apartment in London. So when the train finally entered London we took the pipes to her apartment. I settled myself in one of the three spare rooms. “Dayumm GIRL, how freaking rich are your parents?” I yelled out lying on the bed. “Long story short, a heritage I got” she yelled back. The rest of the day we spent hanging on the cough eating an enormous amount of popcorn. “So why are you going to be away for a little time or a little while?” I looked over to her getting all nervous. “So I did audition for the X-Factor…” I felt a shiver run down my spine. My whole body tensed up. So that’s were Niall’s journey started, no biggie. I can live past that. “So in three days I have to go to bootcamp and if I get trough I uhmn… well, there is a change that I will we away for well, how long I will be staying in the contestant's house. IF I make it through to judge’s houses and to the live shows…” I had so many mixed feelings. I was happy for her, and excited. But it’s so so similar to Niall story. And his name still hurts. “I’m soo excited for you!” I smiled to her.

                “RAADIOO ACTIVE, IMRADIOACTIVEE” – my phone screamed. “I GOT TROUGH! YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW HAPPY I AM. But uhmn..,” her voice changed, like she had something bad to tell me. “They put me in a group because on my own I wouldn’t be good enough. Don’t be disappointed in me?” how could I be disappointed, I was so proud. “No of course not! So are you coming home for a week and leave again?” “Don’t be mad? But I’m going to stay with the girls for a week before judges houses” “oh, okay. I’ll survive. But make sure to call or text e daily!” “Sure do! See you soon girl!” “Alright, I’ll be visiting every live show. Because I’m sure you’ll get through. But I don’t want you coming home before the finals!” “I’ll do my best. Got to go, love you!” “Love you to weirdo.” I hit the red little phone and ended the call. Then I collapsed on the sofa. This is the same as one direction all over again. If only this phone call made me so emotional I surely wouldn’t survive her whole x-factor journey. It was emotional just too hard, I saw only one way out. I knew she noticed my scars, but during my time here in London with her I didn’t make new ones. Life was actually better, well until now. I know, selfish. My friend gets success and I only think about how much it hurts me to see her doing the exact same. I made a desperate run for the bathroom, grabbing the razor. 4 new cuts stared up to me. It made me feel so much better. If I made 4 every week I would get through, a feeling of happiness flowed through my body until I looked to my phone. It read – 1 message from P-DAWG; please lexie. Don’t do it, I could hear it in your voice. Please? – It was already too little too late. I did 3 more because I felt bad about doing it. Well that is going well. I sarcastically said to myself. A feeling of guilt, sadness, relieve and happiness filled my body and with that I placed a last one to my skin.

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