forget, forgot, forgotten ?

Alex is an really normal girl. When she is 12 she falls in love with a boy while on vacation. When they return the next summer everything is perfect. They keep in touch but over the year the contact slowly fades away. When the next summer comes around he isn’t there. In a moment of complete anger and heartbroken she deletes all the contact information. All that’s left are the pictures. Almost directly after she feels miserable. A whole year go’s by and she is sure they will never meet again, a summer passes and she stay’s home. But almost a summer later she sees a clip on youtube, and there he is. Singing on the X-factor. Will they be reunited? And does he still remember her?

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13. chapter 13 - feelings, so many feelings.

Perrie and Alex’s apartment – London- 2011.

 

Alex’s p.o.v.

There was only silence. I heard a bird chirping vaguely in the background. The ticking of my clock continuing. I just lay there, thinking. How I had gotten into this situation, this mess. When I met Perrie I was on my way to Niall, even though I didn’t want to see him. I don’t think anybody knows how hard it is… how it feels to have your life crumbling down, and nothing you can do about it. How your two loving parents turn into cold hearted monsters. At least towards you. Having friends who drop you, having a love that just lets you hanging. Having parents who want nothing to do with you, just because. It all started with my parents’ divorce, and how they handled it. I felt like there had never been love between them, so I couldn’t get hold of the fact that it was so painful. I know that I have only a small part of the story. They never told me the truth. Somehow everything always has to do with the truth. And particularly, people not telling the truth. Lies, they cause hurt. I know very well how lies can ruin everything. And still, I keep secrets and tell lies. Dropping my walls is hard. I like to believe that my friends ruined me, my parents even Niall. In reality I ruined myself. I chose to let my friends change me. I chose to let my guard down to the wrong people. I chose to shut everybody out, I can’t blame them. But blaming everybody else is so much easier than blaming you. Admit to yourself, or anybody, that you were wrong, that you are to blame. It takes a lot of courage to do, courage I don’t have. How can I move on if I can’t even be realistic? I just lay there, thinking. Thinking about everything. Thinking about asnwers and solutions. Questions, I wanted to ask, but I was afraid of the answers. Moving on means letting go. A wave of cold air hit me. I rolled out of my bed and crawled to my closet. What to wear today? I knew I had to answers questions. I had to face Niall, Perrie and the others. Looking into my closet I faced my big collection of soccer pants, oversized shirts from the men’s department. Skinny jeans and sneakers. I grabbed some bright red soccer pants and pulled a blue and red jack Willis hoodie over my head. Time to face… people. I opened my bedroom door only to jump in a very funny situation...

Niall stood in the kitchen, Liam giving him a lecture and the rest of the boys grinning around him. Déjà vu much? Yapp. It looked exactly like the scene I had walked in meeting Niall for the first time. Only this time it wasn’t his mum and Brother but his band mate’s. I started to laugh, like really laugh. I almost lost my balance and made a sprint for the cough before falling down laughing. It was just the fact that Niall hadn’t changed. And how much I loved that boy, he looked exactly like little Niallator back then. My laughing died down a bit and the memories came flooding back. Great, I had to stop the waterworks who were about to flood out of my eyes. I looked up to see Liam, Zayn, Louis, Harry and Perrie giving me the weirdest looks ever. That just made me crack up again. Niall looked at me and chuckled a little also. I can only imagine how weird it must have looked for the rest. Louis was the first to speak; “Can you please explain what is so funny about Niall eating all your food?” I looked at Niall, I was good in reading Niall, and he was having a little flashback. “Nahh, it’s nothing.” I didn’t feel like sharing that moment with anybody yet. I looked back at Niall again who was looking at me. Reading his eyes again made me understand that he felt the same, I smiled lightly at him. The nest one to break the silence was Perrie. “Lex, stop staring at Niall in the creepiest way ever. Really, if I was Niall I would’ve run immediately. And eat some breakfast; you haven’t eaten much since yesterday. And Niall, stop staring creepy at Alex…” in response I chuckled a bit, seeing Niall turning red. O how much I loved this boy. I nodded and walked over to the kitchen. “Why were you crying this morning Niall?” I said, while eating some pancakes. Everybody looked at me with the most shocked faces ever. “Not ready to tell you. But we really need to talk Lexie.” I was not ready. I could make small talk; ask a little bit about anything. But not the ‘really need to talk’-talk. I knew what it would be about and I was about to panic as he spoke again. “Just tell me when you’re ready. Please?” this was why I liked him so much. He knew me so well; he could just see that I wasn’t ready. I felt sorry for the rest of the band and Perrie. They really had no cue of what it was about. Well, Perrie maybe, but that’s it. “Sorry about this weird morning, you’ll understand it someday. Are you going to leave now?”  This may sound harsh, but I was nice to Niall. I didn’t want to be nice. I wanted them to be out of my life. “Yeaah, we should get going. See you sometimes. Bye,” after that they walked away. Perrie gave Zayn a kiss and stayed with me. All those happy feelings made me tired. I fell on the sofa and closed my eyes. Ugh, I messed up. One moment I’m nice to him, and then I just bitch-out. Like, I am being an annoying fuck. No wonder he hates me. No wonder he left me.  “You messed up, big time. But he doesn’t hate you.” Holy cow, I said that out loud? I have to be more careful damn. “That was also out loud darling.” Perrie joked.  I didn’t say anything to her i just flipped on the TV. Today is uneventful, and it can’t be good. I knew the universe had some kind of a grudge against me, so silence was bad. Really bad. I tried getting my mind of off everything and just watched Jersey Shore. They were so stupid it actually made me laugh.

                 The day passed slowly. The main events were when Perrie mixed three Ben and Jerry’s flavors of ice cream together and it actually tasted good, and when we changed the channel from Jersey Shore to Gossip Girl. I couldn’t help but wonder what Mike and Niall were doing. I fell into a restless sleep that night, knowing that tomorrow something was bound to happen. I was scared, scared for the night to be over. Scared for the day to begin.

 

Niall’s p.o.v.

Hearing her adorable chuckle made me smile. How long I had waited for her to be happy, and now she was. I smiled, knowing I made her happy. I immediately knew why she chuckled. How could I forget the day I met her? She was so beautiful. I had learned in those vacations together that she was a closed person, not a fan of showing feelings. I was glad that she broke on the day we met. If she hadn’t we might have never got that close. It pained me to think that she was afraid of me now. I shook those thoughts away as I spoke; “we really need to talk Lexie.” I wanted to make things right between us. I wanted to move on. And most of all I wanted that it would stop hurting her. That I would stop hurting her. I looked at her and saw panic taking over. If she panicked she might go mute again! That couldn’t happen. Not when I just got her back! “Just tell me when you’re ready. Please? “I just wished that one day she would trust me enough again. I mean, she was about the only person who could read me that well. She knew I was crying, not that it was so hard to notice. But I knew that she knew why. She asked the question anyways, but I knew she knew. I wasn’t really following the conversation but suddenly all of the lads stood up and left. I looked at Alex only to see a hurt, confused a slightly happy look. I knew I had to go, because I was hurting her again. I was so happy that Perrie believed me though. I just had a feeling that Perrie would be my ticket back into Alex’ life. The tough of being in her life again made me happier than ever. I had missed her so much ever since she broke off all our contact. I still had pictures of her in my old room; I had pictures of us on my phone and laptop. In all those years she had never left my mind. And now she was so close to me, like it was all just a dream. That night I couldn’t sleep. Around two a.m. I finally dozed off, but something in my chest made me nervous for the next day…

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