Secrets and Lies

Casey is a teenager with an amazing will to succeed. She is an incredible runner and is determined to enter a marathon. However it is not that easy. Her world is upturned as her friend's life begins to break down and only Casey can help, Casey is madly in love with a man she thinks will never want her and a sad turn of events results in a huge blow. But Casey is still determined to follow her dream...

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28. 18th September 2013

 

I hated funerals. They were pure agony, hell and depressing. At my funeral I wanted people to celebrate my life and wear yellow, not mourn my death and wear black. Amaya wouldn’t want everyone so upset and mournful on her account, she would just want everyone appreciating her life and her. She wouldn’t want tears.

But she couldn’t always have her wish. I held Nico’s hand all the way through the service, as we sang hymns that were meaningless because Amaya wasn’t even religious. Everyone had tears threatening in their eyes, and so did a few of the teachers which had been invited to come. Bruno was there even though he never knew Amaya or even taught her. I had no idea how he managed to get in but knowing that he was in the building was almost as comforting as Nico holding my hand.

This funeral was a lot more painful then Hope’s. Seeing a coffin at the front of the church with her body in was too much for me to handle. All I could imagine was her lifeless body asleep in there. I forced myself to think that she was sleeping otherwise I think it would be too much. Ethan was at the funeral and was crying his eyes out, I wanted to go help him but I knew there was nothing I could do.

As the hymn ‘Be Not Afraid’ echoed around the room and off the stain glass windows, I wanted desperately to believe in God. I wanted to believe that Amaya would be in heaven and safe and that Hope would be there too. But I couldn’t. If God loved me as much as I was told he did, he wouldn’t take away somebody I loved. It just wasn’t fair.

What surprised me was that Amaya’s Dad Liang came to funeral. What surprised me more was that he wasn’t the least bit sorry about what he had done, and didn’t blame her death at all on the absence of him. I partly did. When he did his speech anger bubbled up inside of me. Who was he to talk about how much he loved his daughter? He was the one that destroyed her and you don’t destroy people you care about. Although God could forgive him, forgiveness didn’t come as easily to me. It was extremely difficult to forgive someone who played a part in my best friend’s death. That was why I couldn’t forgive myself.

When it was my turn to go up and talk in front of everyone my whole body trembled. I thought everyone blamed me for her death. I was terrified when I saw all those people; all of Amaya’s family and friends looking up at me as if they were waiting for an explanation. I sought the only person’s eyes that understood me properly. Bruno’s. They gave me the courage to talk about Amaya and I did. Imagined I was talking to him, just him about it. I talked for five minutes and it was one of the hardest things I had ever done in my life. I remained strong right until the very end. I couldn’t bear to say goodbye because that would mean losing her forever, and would force me to accept that she was gone, and she was never ever coming back.

My voice croaked and split in half and then the tears came; hot and fast. I could see that it took every inch of Bruno’s strength to not come up and help the one person he loved, and so came my Dad; my amazing wonderful dad, who too had tears glittering in his eyes. He helped me back to my seat where my Mum and Sister were already weeping. Nico held me tight and we cried together.

When the body was carried outside by the meaningless uncles of Amaya I heard Tao sobbing, and it was the worst sound I had ever heard in my life. He understood what was happening alright, and was grieving loudly. He badly wanted to help carry his sister’s coffin but was pushed away by none other than his bitter Dad. I despised Liang.

As the vicar blessed and said goodbye to Amaya as she was lowering into the ground, I could see that this didn’t mean anything to him. Just another death, another family broken. And he called himself one of God’s followers. I was sure if Jesus was there now then he wouldn’t be as stuffy and stuck up as the vicar. A fresh red rose was dropped onto her coffin by Ethan, and then other things by other people.

Jia was violently trembling as she sprinkled the first grains of soil on her daughter body, and so was I as I helped to bury my best friend.

We went into the wake afterwards which was in a stuffy pub. Amaya would have hated that place. After everyone had drowned their sorrows, things began to get a bit out of hand.

“ YOU! It was your fault! If you didn’t run away after my daughter tried to kiss you then none of this would have happened! It is obvious you have feeling for her. Look at you! You are as gay as they get!” suddenly Liang yelled at me, getting up from his bar stool and marching over to my table.

Before I could even think three people got up and stood before me. Nico, Dad and Tao. They started bellowing at Liang and saying things that were horrible but true. He backed off before things got worse for him and he got beat up.

I didn’t know why but that really got to me. I could tell other people in that grotty pub seemed to avoid eye contact with me and were obviously blaming me for Amaya’s death. I felt empty and numb. Maybe it was my fault. My feet ran away and I charged outside of the pub into the little garden, and hid behind this huge willow tree. I hoped nobody would come; I didn’t think I could hold my tears in if they did.

After about ten minutes somebody found me. It was someone I had never expected. Bruno. Even though there was a huge risk of us getting caught I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I burst into tears and he held me so softly and safely that I felt like if I stayed in his arms forever then I would never have to feel pain again. He delicately wiped my tears away and told me that he was going to help me get through this. And somehow I believed him.

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