Beautiful Ugly

Claire Greyson has been scarred for life after a house fire. One side of her face has third degree burns. That will not heal. After she is proved right that nobody will ever treat her the same ever again after she is turned down for her school production, she is pushed over the edge. And wakes up in hospital after overdosing on pills.
She is convinced that one one will ever be able to see past her ugly scars.

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4. Why am I still alive?

'Right. Her heart rate is stabilizing. We need to pump her stomach..'

What's happening? lights, bright lights flashing. It makes my head spin. I squeeze my eyes shut.

'Young female, aged around 15 or 16..'

'Blood tests-'

'Overdose, appears to be a considerable amount of fenanyl in her bloodstream..'

'Next of kin, a Mrs Karen Greyson, mother..'

My ears seem to be ringing, and my stomach kills. I briefly toy with the idea I may be in heaven, but no, surely being in heaven wouldn't be this painful?

'She's waking up! Hello, it's ok, we're gonna get you better.'

I try to tell them to stop, to stop trying to save me because I don't want to be saved, but my throat seems as dry as the Sahara desert and all I manage is a feeble croak. 

'-Suction, fast as you can-'

I open my eyes. A face loom into view. Dark skin, lots of little plaits. 'Ok honey, this'll feel a little uncomfortable, just bear with me-'

'Is there any time to-'

'No! No we'll need to do this now. Right, hold her mouth open.'

Someone pulls at my mouth, forcing me to open it. I try to bite down, but something's preventing me from doing it. Oh god, what's happening? 

Just then I feel someone trying to force a tube down my throat. I immediately gag, and my eyes fill with tears. My stomach heaves, and I just feel so sick, it feels so bad. They're..pushing a tube down..my stomach...burning....can't breathe...

It goes on and on and one. This is a never ending hell. Someone please just kill me now. I can't do this anymore.

Someone is stroking my forehead. I feel hot all over.

'It's ok hun, it's gonna feel a little uncomfortable, you're ok.'

How am I ok? I feel like I'm choking. This can't be right. What are they doing with me? I seem to be sick again and again. When will it stop? When will it end?

Finally I feel something prick my arm and I slip away.

****

 

When I wake, I'm in a strange white room. The walls are white, the ceiling is white. There's a strong smell of disinfectant, that horrible kind of smell that gets up your nose and makes you choke and splutter. My back is drenched in sweat, and I'm shivering uncontrollably.

'Oh Clare..' Mum's here. She's crying and gasping and sniffling, all over me. My hand hurts from where she's gripped it so tightly. 

'Mum, just-'

Alex is here! But, he has band practise.. His voice sounds husky, like he's got a cold. I try to say something, anything. My brave, strong stubborn brother doesn't cry. At least he never let's anyone see him cry. Not when he broke his leg, not when Alesha dumped him. I only time I've seen him cry is when nan died.

He's crying now, a gasping sound like he can't catch his breath. I feel the guilt mocking me inside my head.

I try to say his name, to reach out to him, but my whole body feels like lead. I swivel my eyes, but even that hurts. 

'She's awake! Clare? Clare I'm here, mum's here. You're ok, it's ok. They-they had to pump your stomach, get the chemicals out. Oh why did you do it? Why?'

I close my eyes, wanting to slip away. 

'When I found you when I got home..I thought you were dead! I was so scared, I was SO scared. But you're ok now, you're alive. Everything's gonna be ok.'

No it's not! I scream inside my head. I didn't want you to find me. I didn't want you to call the ambulance. I didn't want to have the chemicals pumped out of me. I didn't want to be saved.

All I could think was that I couldn't even manage to kill myself properly. I couldn't do anything. I am pathetic, helpless. There's a sudden screeching sound, blocking everything out, and I realise it's me. Then shouts. Another prick.

Darkness.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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