Mary Kate would like you to know that she's having a very hard time

This is my story. It will contain rants, sappy letters, crappy stories, ASDFGHJKL moments, and the all together recollection of my hilariously loser-ish life.

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40. What my nightmares are made of.

   The new school was a bitch to navigate, I'd already gotten lost twice, but I was okay, beside the crippling loneliness caused by my friends being miles away. I knew they were still there though, still alive and well, and I knew that I could still talk to them or see them, so I was okay. 

    Today had been odd, I had heard many people whispering about something that happened at another highschool in the area, and the thought of that put me on edge, 3/4 of my family was at that school, and it could have very well been one of them that something had happened to. Still, I went on as normal, well, as normal as it gets for me. All of the sudden, during my 4th period class, the teacher was interrupted by an email that came to her computer. She sighed heavily, as if she had been dreading the moment.

     "Class" she began slowly. "As many of you already know something has...occurred at the other highschool." A few kids nodded and looked around, gauging who else knew or didn't know. I did not nod, because as per the norm, I was still clueless. She sighed again, and continued "I student there...They've taken their own life" The few side conversations that had been going on fell silent, and an audible gasp could be heard from a few of the kids around me. Obviously there was a demand to know who it was. I being one of the ones desperately wanting to know, that knot in my chest that had began when I heard the whispers began to tighten at ever second that passed.

     "It was a freshman girl, I do 't know that any of you will kn - have known her" The teacher corrected quickly. The knot continued to tighten, constricting my chest until I was sure that my ribs would break, or my breath would stop. "Her name, was Emily. Emily Smith." Everything in time stopped, the clock stopped ticking, I stopped blinking, my heart stopped beating, everything slowed and blurred. A strangled cry rose up from my throat and burst from my mouth before I could stop it, all the pain washing over me like a flood. I saw every head in the room turn to me in pity. No. She wasn't gone. She couldn't be gone. I just talked to her! I just saw her! She was happy! She was- She was Emily! began to shake my head, slow at first but then more quickly, stopping and putting my head in my hands

     "No. No you're wrong" I said in denial, hoping against hope that she had read it wrong. "Mary Kate I'm sorry but-" The teacher began, but I didn't let her finish. "No! You don't understand, you have to be wrong! She wouldn't just leave me here! You're wrong!" She just continued to look at me in pity, not even having the decency to be sad or sorry. I stood up quickly, wiping in vain at the flood of tears that was on my cheeks. "No. She can't be gone" I ran from the room, ignoring the shouts of my name and the calls for me to come back, all I knew was that I needed to find one person. Melissa.

     I ran, harder than I ever had before, I ran to the class I found first, Melissa's class, the class that I knew had just gotten the same bullshit. I threw open the door, covering my mouth with my sleeve to prevent a cry from escaping. Melissa turned around with tears streaming down her face, she got up and ran to me, wrapping her arms around me and letting out a sob. "They're lying right Melissa?" I pleaded with her "It has to be a lie right?" I added, she looked at me with eyes that looked to be made of pure sorrow, not speaking a word, only putting her head into my shoulder and letting out another sob. It was then that I knew. I knew that they weren't lying, that she was really gone, I finally let the sob that had been hidden out, holding on to Melissa with all my strength.

     I don't know how long we stood like that before we were lead out of the class an into the counselors office. I tuned out any of the condolence crap that she was spewing, not by choice exactly, they were just completely masked by the wall that had been set up in my brain. I held Melissa's hand still, holding on to her was my only anchor to the real world.

     Everything began to go dark, my eyes fading out of focus and my breath shallowing as I felt myself slipping away. "I love you sis" echoed into my brain, the last words I had ever heard her spoken were now carving themselves into my very existence, and I could do nothing. I had done nothing to stop them from being the last words I heard her say, so I could do nothing to stop them from being the last words I would heard.

 

THIS IS WHAT MY NIGHTMARES ARE MADE OF. I WOKE UP AT THREE IN THE FUCKING MORNING AFTER HAVING THIS WAKE ME FROM A DEAD SLEEP. I WOKE UP WITH TEARS STREAMING DOWN MY FACE AND MY CHEST FEELING LIKE SOMEONE HAD STOMPED ON IT AND THEN TAKEN A JACK HAMMER TO IT. THIS IS WHAT MAKES ME SO SCARED THAT I CAN BARELY FUNCTION, THIS IS WHAT MAKES ME SO WORRIED THAT I CAN BARELY BREATH.

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