Mary Kate would like you to know that she's having a very hard time

This is my story. It will contain rants, sappy letters, crappy stories, ASDFGHJKL moments, and the all together recollection of my hilariously loser-ish life.


30. I'm trying, I'm sorry

        Hi there. This is going to be kind of an awkward chapter. I'm a happy person, I'm just naturally that way. I love laughing and smiling, and being with the people I love. Until a couple years ago I could never stay sad for long because my spirit just simply wouldn't allow it. Doctor, if you're reading this, I have an alien for you to investigate. A virus completely unfamiliar to me embedded itself deep within me, and is now sending pulses of foreign feelings such as hatred, depression, and uncertainty. I was never afraid of falling before, because I knew if I fell, I would have to to pick myself up and carry on, but now that has disappeared into thin air. Now I feel as if I don't sidestep every issue, ignore every feeling, suppress every natural instinct that I will plunge into a canyon and be trampled by the ever moving wheel of what now seems to be my life. There are days where I feel on top of the world, that I can do whatever I want and never have to go back to the mild depressive symptoms that have plagued my every move for so long. There are also days where I feel useless, but not completely. I feel as if there is someone who needs me, I just haven't found them. Finally there are days were I would like to fade into the backdrop, never have been introduced to my friends so they would've never had to deal with me. This is a lot of me, me, me but believe it or not I'm not the center of the universe! I know it's shocking, I'll give you a moment to compose yourself.

     Ya good now? Alrighty lets continue. My friend, lets call her Luna (don't look at me like that), she's had a lot of bead things happen to her. Things I've never once had to deal with. She's an amazing person who couldn't be more kind. Seeing her, and then looking at my own story makes me feel like quite a drama queen I must admit. Or my friend...Ginny...Her family is not exactly what you could call "functional" My family is quite functional. We get along, we stay together, I may hate them sometimes but come on,  who doesn't. Or my friend Cho from when I was still in my hometown. We were only 4 years old when I left her alone in town to move to where I am currently. living. She took it really hard. We were best friends. Absolutely. No denying that we were eachothers everything. When the neighborhood went to shit, my family got out, Cho's didn't. She stayed where I grew up. At school kids were never kind to her about the fact that I left. They said that she was a loner, that she was a dork (the ultimate kindergarten response at the time). I couldn't do anything, I wanted to, but she was so far away from me now, and I only got to see her at planned "play dates". She dealt with that for a couple years after I left, and then dealt with the fall out of people excluding her, ignoring her and all that. My life has never been like that.  Well kind of, but that is a story for a different time. 

          My point of this is that I'm trying to sort whatever this is out, and I'm trying to shake whatever this is off, but I can't. Not alone. I'm not alone I know that, but a lot of my friends have never dealt with what I have, and I feel stupid telling them about it. I'm going to go ahead and end this here, just because I don't really know what else to say.

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