The secret that changed my life

Blurb: Trust is an odd thing. What makes you trust someone, how can you trust some people and not others. Like paper once your trust has been crumpled it can never be perfect again. And when people ruin your trust it hurts, but it hurts more when it was the one person who you would never expect, the one person who loved you and the one person who you loved.

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2. Tom

She was beautiful, even in my state I could see this.  Her blue eyes stared desperately into mine, almost like she was searching for an emotion. I stared back, not showing her what she wanted. I secretly wanted just to hold her, tell her I love her, kiss her and protect her. But if I had done that then she would know I would do anything for her and she would have easily left me, I didn’t want that. I wanted to keep her with me.

“What do you want me to do? Just say, please,                 I’ll do it!” She shouted, getting desperate now.

I don’t know how I had managed to become so cold, so heartless but I stopped myself from thinking about this at the time. I didn’t care she was sad, I just loved the power. I didn’t say anything to her, just stood silently staring into the distance. The rain pouring around us, drenching us, but I could still tell she was crying. I didn’t know exactly why I loved this power, it wasn’t good power, but I did. I got a buzz from being able to tell her to stay and her staying, telling her to follow me and her following me. It was amazing. She was so obedient. I never understood why, I hadn’t known her that long, but this was control that I had never had before.

Back home I wasn’t in control of anything. My Dad had left us when I was a young boy and I didn’t know much about him, his betrayal and deception left my Mum in such a state she had to quit work. We lived in poverty for a while, Mum taking her stress out on me. This obviously had an effect on me, not that I would ever admit this to anyone at the time. My younger brother also took most of her attention and she relied heavily on my help to look after him. It was difficult as a 12 year old boy having to look after my 5 year old brother, but even with this responsibility I still had no control. I couldn’t control my parent’s relationship and make them stay together; I couldn’t control my mum and make her stay at work. I couldn’t even control my own life; my mum did this for me.

Control was something that confused me. What gave someone the authority to control someone else? And why would that person let them? It was their own life, not the other persons. But then I could also ask why people enjoy the feeling of having control of someone else? These were questions I asked myself may times, but never found the answer to.

She was shivering with the cold now. I still refused to let her leave. I was enjoying the power I had of her too much; I had managed to make her stay in the rain without even realising the power I had over her. I didn’t want this moment to stop. She turned to walk away, without turning to even look at her I grabbed her arm and pulled her back.

“It’s raining, why can’t we just go find the others?” She asked

I knew that it was a good question but I didn’t fully know the answer. I didn’t say anything, I continued to stand there staring into nothing. She walked around awkwardly near me; I could tell she was confused and worried. I didn’t care, but at the same time I kind of did. I wanted to stop, I wanted to turn around and kiss her and hug her to warm her up but I didn’t. I didn’t want to show her that I cared as I knew giving her this knowledge would give her the control back. I didn’t want to do that, I was getting an almost buzz from it; I loved the control, more than I even loved her.

“Please can we just go? Or at least let me go! You can stand here all you want. I’m cold Tom, please.”

Pleading had never convinced me before; it wasn’t going to work now. The field we were stood in looked dark. The mud, now drenched in rain, was a dark brown almost a black, the grey clouds felt heavy, like they were hanging above us, almost falling on us. As it started to get dark I began to feel the cold but I managed not to show it, I wasn’t going to let her see me as weak.

After a while of just standing silently and her begging for us to go I heard the others looking for us. They must have assumed that we were in some kind of trouble, not surprisingly, we must have been gone for at least a couple of hours, not that I cared much for their concern, I was enjoying the power I had too much.

I turned and started walking towards them, not acknowledging her at all. She watched me as I walked past her, puzzled. She followed silently behind me. I didn’t know that my love of control over this stunning girl would make me do what I did, I never wished to cause any harm to her. I just wanted her to be mine, completely mine, and this power and control enabled this to happen.

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