The secret that changed my life

Blurb: Trust is an odd thing. What makes you trust someone, how can you trust some people and not others. Like paper once your trust has been crumpled it can never be perfect again. And when people ruin your trust it hurts, but it hurts more when it was the one person who you would never expect, the one person who loved you and the one person who you loved.

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1. Sofie

Life is like walking into a family home for the first time. On the surface everything seems fine, the parents are smiling and being polite, the children seem content playing together and you are presented with a lovely spread of food and wine. But you don’t see the argument they had ten minutes before you had arrived, or the chaos they’ll have when you leave.

We walked down the path in order to have alone time before he left the next day. I knew I was going to miss him, and even though he hadn’t told me I could tell that he would miss me too. We stopped around a corner, I stared up at the stars shining brightly above us, I could feel the contentment and excitement running through me. He kissed my cheek, I turned and looked into his beautiful eyes and he looked back meaningfully into mine.

He leaned in and kissed me, I pulled him in closer. We continued to kiss he started to move his hands down. I liked him so I didn’t want to stop him. He continued to move his hands, he started unbuttoning my jeans. I pushed his hands away but he forced his way through. Forcing himself on me, I tried to push him away but I was too weak.

“I don’t want to do anything…” I said, trying to be as blunt as possible

“You do though,” He whispered seductively

We were standing in an alley like place. There was a wall at one end and a fence either side of us. Litter had been pushed into one corner with a few bits of broken empty bottles where, I assumed, teenagers had to hide it from their suspecting parents.  I didn’t notice at that point how trapped I was, he was standing in the only exit, slowly pushing me backwards, the walls felt like they were closing in on me.  I didn’t notice this at first, I was too in love with this boy to think about the entrapment.

The intoxication of alcohol blurred my vision and my sense of danger but even I could tell this wasn’t safe. Something was holding me to the spot, something I’m almost ashamed of saying as a 16 year old girl who, as most people would say, was not in control of her feelings. Something no one could control, I loved this monster. I loved this boy who I once thought was beautiful, but now was just pure ugly and almost alien to me.

Love is an odd thing for anyone to comprehend. What exactly made me fall for him and not the sweet innocent boy from my English class? Either way you can’t control who you fall for, and that’s where it gets dangerous. Love makes you capable of forgiving people for the most dreadful things; it forces you to make excuses for their behaviour and makes you incapable of leaving them. It also makes you trust them, no matter what they’ve said before. I trusted this boy, perhaps too much, but I did. This was perhaps what caused him to act in the way he did.

I tried to stop myself from making excuses for his actions, but unfortunately no matter how much I tried I couldn’t. I didn’t know much about him but I knew enough to blame how he was with me on how he had been raised. He doesn’t realise what he’s doing, I said over and over to myself. I wasn’t sure why I thought this at the time, but it is now clear to me I just didn’t want to admit to myself that anyone was actually capable of such a thing. I had heard about it happening to other girls, but it never seemed real, it never felt like it actually happened. It was just like reading a history book, you realise it was true but you never think about it, or care much. You may feel some sympathy for the people involved but you never fully understand or expect it to happen to you.

In the re-telling of this story most people simply ask “Why didn’t you just leave? You could have easily” Hindsight is a beautiful thing though, and of course I never thought he was actually going to do that. At the time I just denied it to myself, told myself that everything was fine. Why didn’t I leave? I could have escaped the horror which would have been my life for the next few years if I had just walked away. There’s no point on dwelling on the past, it’s happened I couldn’t change that and I never will be able to.

I was a happy girl before that night. I had everything I wanted, a happy family, nice home, nice clothes, good friends, everything. I had never fully appreciated how perfect everything was, but I suppose no one does when they have everything. There is always more that people want, be that more money, or to be more attractive, whatever it is that they could possibly want they would want. It’s sad really, sometimes I think that maybe if people appreciated what they have then these tragedies may be avoidable.

I wish I could say I wasn’t like this, I wish I could say that I was happy with what I had. But I wasn’t. I would spend every maths lesson wishing I was better at maths. But also wishing, perhaps a lot more than my first wish, this was that I looked more like the girl in my class. She had long luscious brunette hair that curled beautifully down to her shoulders. She had big brown eyes and tanned skin and the most stunning smile I had ever seen. Half the lesson I would be concentrating more on not staring at her beauty then concentrating on the math. 

He stroked my hair lovingly. Normally this would make my heart flutter, but in the circumstances it just made me shiver with fear. He ignored it, at the time I concluded he must have assumed that it was just the cold from the harsh winter wind that made me react like that and not him. My phone started ringing, it was my Mum. I was already late, only by half an hour but my Mum was overly cautious. Her over caring irritated me before this event, but I now understand why she was like this. I tried not to be late too often at home, occasionally it happened for one reason or another, but I had never missed a call when I was late. I knew this would send mum into a spiral of panic, and I knew it wasn’t fair but I didn’t know what else to do.

“Ignore it” He whispered next to my ear as he started to kiss the top of my neck

“I really should answer it” I replied as I tried to edge away

“I said ignore it!”

His angry tone and, what at the time I perceived as authority, made me obey. I placed my phone back in my pocket. He smiled caringly at me and kissed me. I embraced this kiss; almost like I was trying to trick myself into thinking that he was the person I thought he was. This was the first of my many mistakes that night. We continued to kiss before he aggressively pushed me against the brick wall, the kiss suddenly changed from the romantic dream to forceful and dangerous. I attempted to push him away but he was too strong. I suddenly saw the monster that he had been trying to hide from me for the week that I had known him.

I managed to turn my head away when he leaned in for another kiss; he continued to kiss my neck, “Stop, I need to go home. Stop”

I tried to say this confidently, but it came out as if I was pleading, asking him for a favour, begging. He smiled at me not a nice smile; it stabbed me like a dagger. How could he be smiling? Does he not realise what he is doing? I asked myself, I realise now that he must have just been enjoying it, as disgusting and disturbing as this was I found it impossible to believe at the time. His smile said more than a thousand words could, I knew at this point that this couldn’t possibly end well for me.

He continued to undress me and no matter how much I struggled I couldn’t seem to stop him. He pulled at my top, I tried to pull it out of his aggressive grasp my I couldn’t. He unbuttoned it and forced it off of my shoulders. He continued to pull my jeans down, I was trying to pull them up but in the panic I didn’t seem to be able to. I felt weak and hopeless.

The wall at the end of what I can only describe as an alley stopped me from being able to run away in that direction, and he blocked the exit. Not that I was thinking about escape, I still didn’t really want to leave, I liked and trusted him. He had complete power over me, there was nothing I could do, or so I thought at the time.

“Please. Stop. I’m sorry” I didn’t know what I was apologising for, but his authority made it seem important for me to apologise, almost like I was apologising for not letting him continue.

Somehow he had managed to get me lying on my back on the gum and litter covered floor. He lay on top of me, his once beautiful face near mine. The welcoming smile, the green eyes, the tanned perfect skin now all looked ugly. He continued, his sweaty ugly body now on top of me, pinning me down. Unable to move or stop him I felt powerless and as dirty as the ground that I lay on.

“Please, don’t!” “Please stop” “Please I’m sorry!” I repeated these words over and over, hoping that it would trigger something in his devilish mind that made him realise what he was doing, apologise and stop. Of course he didn’t. He continued. I felt tired and broken; I knew I couldn’t do anything now. I just prayed that this wouldn’t last long. I couldn’t say how long it did last but it felt like a lifetime, a lifetime in hell. After a while of me begging and struggling he had finally finished. He stood up, not saying anything and walked off, not even turning around to check if I was alright. No care in the world for what he had done, nothing.

I lay lifeless on the cold wet ground. A single tear fell done my cheek. I didn’t know how to feel. I just lay there, staring at the black sky in this dark alley way. I started to shiver, half with fear, half with coldness.  I closed my eyes, wishing I could just disappear, wishing that none of that was true. I squeezed them shut tighter, praying that when I opened them I would awaken from this nightmare.  How someone with such an angelic smile, and love in his beautiful eyes could be so evil, it surely isn’t possible? I thought to myself.  Perhaps I’m over reacting. I didn’t try hard enough to stop him and he may not have noticed that I wanted to stop, perhaps it was my fault. These thoughts circled round in my head for hours as I lay frozen to the ground. 

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