Inhale, Exhale

Just trying to write from a completely different perspective.



(Sorry if a little dialect annoys you!)

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1. Inhale, Exhale

So am sat in the bath, which isnae like me – no cos I’m a wee grot or anything but cause wi the lecky metre it costs best part ay a fiver tae heat the water.  But ken how sometimes ye have one ay they days when ye gets in an ye plonk yersel on the couch an ye do that sigh, that sigh of relief that says ‘I’m no shiftin ma arse fae here fer the rest ay the night’ – well I dunno about youse but when it happens tae me I make it my mission tae treat masel.

  Aye, so, I’m sat in the bath, havin dug oot the tealight candles an skooshed a bit ay his shower gel  (Lynx) in there while the taps’re runnin, so’s a huge clump ay bubbles sprout fae where the skoosh hit the water an they grow an spread out fae there; I’ve rolled masel a fag, set it an ma lighter down in the wee dint ye have for soap (I dinnae bother with an ashtray when I’m smokin in the bath); I’ve stood there, tappin ma feet on the bare floorboards, careful no tay do it too angrily or I might get yet another fuckin skelf off ay them; I’ve slipped ma joggers tae the floor, pulled ma Hertz top aff an hung it on the dangly bit on the back ay the door that’s meant for the towel; I’ve swished ma hand about in the bubbles tae make sure I dinnae end up lookin like a fuckin lobster an I’ve had that mazing feelin from when ye’re just gettin in, just easin yersel intae the water an ye go all goosebumpy an the back ay yer neck tingles an ye shiver a wee bit, but no cause of the cold or that but cause that’s what nice feelins dae sometimes.  So, aye, I’m all relaxed an that an pretty fuckin cheesin about spendin the next wee while soakin ma cares away.

Imagine how I feels, then, when I’m in there two seconds tops an that Lynx smell – fae the skoosh – floats up ma nostrils an makes me start thinkin ay him an about this mornin when I wis goan out ma door an I sees HER of all fuckin people, her an her stupit glaikit face an the way she willnae even look me in the eye an just sortay smiles out the corner ay her mouth an keeps her eyes on the landin like there’s something dead interestin down there, d’you know what I mean, like there’s pictures ay Gerard Butler in the scud lyin doon there, something really fuckin captivatin, an I says ‘alright Karen’ an I have that tone so’s she kens I’m just fuckin itchin fer an excuse tay dig ma nails right intay her eyes an rip them right fuckin out an march downstairs an shove them up the arses ay they stray cats down by the wheelie bins that keep us up wi their shaggin, shove them right up there sos they can be shat right back oot intay the world again, I says that to her, I says ‘alright Karen,’ an she disnae even fuckin respond – just that fuckin smirk.

I have tay light ma fag like, just tay get that fuckin stink oot my nostrils.  Didnae want to be thinkin bout that, but ye cannae have a bath withoot bubbles, ye just cannae.  Like Christmas wi no pressies, Saturdays wiout the fitba.  Wrong.  I’ve tae start doin deep breaths an thinkin ‘inhale’ an ‘exhale’ (just like Sharon told me tae dae when am feelin proper stressed – ye’re supposed to breathe in when ye say ‘inhale’ an breathe oot when ye say ‘exhale’) but it only goes an starts a fuckin coughin fit.  I’m jumpin about the bath like I decided tae take a toaster in for a wee dip wi me – jerkin back an forth, cough cough cough, feelin like there’s something in there that wants tae come oot, till I dae a massive one that makes me double right over an grab at ma stomach wi both hands an out comes a blob ay something, but nevermind that fer a fuckin moment cause my fag’s been fuckin submerged an the paper’s ruined an we bits ay baccy are floatin about the surface like weedy wee branches in a massive river.  Fuckin magic, Jenni, just fuckin swell like: there goes yer R’n’R, there goes yer wee taste ay heaven.  Couldnae get any worse, eh?  Aye, I’m thinkin that, right as I takes I shufty at yon blob fae the coughin fit, floatin there like an oil slick.  I think about scoopin it up, takin a closer look but fuck that fer a barrel of monkeys – I paid a fiver fer a bath an a bit ay peace an quiet fae the constant fuckin SHITE that’s runnin through ma heid.  I’m no worryin about that, no the now.  No while the bath’s still warm – inhale, exhale – an the candles are flickin slowly about – inhale, exhale – an there’s the sound ay ma hands ripplin the water – inhale, exhale – an the oil slick is floatin towards me – inhale exhale – an am all alone in the flat wiout so much as a radio – inhaleexhale – an I can hear them laughin, laughin through the fuckin wall – INHALE EXHALE – an she’s switched her flat around so’s at night I have tae hear the fuckin bed bangin right near ma heid – INHALEEXHALE – an am seven weeks late – INHAm oot the water before ye know it.

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