Fear

Two young girls who decide to over come there fears, but one ends up dying and the other develops a eating disorder and depression. The girl who doesn't die, her parents split up and her mum turns into a drunk, so the girl is took in by her therapist and gets very ill so is taken into a mental home. The girl has stopped talking and just stares into space. Most doctors have tried to help but they have had no success but one doctor, her farther. The girl blames herself for what happened to her friend and at the end she dies of starvation and just before she dies she sees her friend who died at the beginning and then she dies with her farther by her side.

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3. relaps

Chapter 3

 

My list; spiders, clowns, and my weight. Jenny's list; small spaces and heights. We started little spiders. Eight legs, black round bodies and what I can only describe has a sneaky yet a creepy crawl. Jenny found a spider I don't know where,  all I know is she found it, brought it to me and it was huge. I lifted my arm up with the little bit of strength I had left. I closed my eyes and Jenny put the beast on my arm. It crawled up my arm slowly and after about two minutes I opened my eyes and it was just sat there. I realized spiders don't hurt.

 

First on Jenny's list was small spaces, so I took her to a funeral place. As we walked in the door there was a long corridor, three rooms, two left, one right. There was a red carpet leading up to the rooms, but it didn't make it feel any less like it wasn't my time to be there. The rooms were labelled. The first room had writing on that read 'make-up', the next door read 'office' and the third one read 'coffins'. We Went into the coffin room and I make Jenny sit in one for fifteen minutes.

 

After the fifteen minutes I opened the coffin and Jenny, laughing, got out and gave me a hug.

 

Next was clowns, the most horrendous way to make children laugh. Clowns could never be anything other than scary. Jenny took me to a place called spooky world. It was full of silly people dressed in jack ripper costumes and dead people outfits. That's what I thought, until I saw the massive and equally terrifying clown house. We queued up for hours. Then after a few hours we got to the front of the queue. I couldn't go in, but at the same time I still did have any strength to fight Jenny. We walked through the daunting curtains that seemed to emulate the clowns real purpose. To scare people. Darkness surrounded us. At first my nervous were all over the place and my heart was beating as fast as a cheater catching it prey. A sign was on the wall saying turn right, once we did there was one of them. One of the things that kept me awake at night, sent chills down my back and made the hairs on the back if my neck stand up. It's face painted with the creepiest smile and white hid it's real identity. I walked past it, holding Jenny's arm, tightly. I made sure there was maximum distance between up. The second one didn't seem that bad and after that they got less scarier.

 

After about six minutes we reached the exit and I walked out with a attempted smile on my face. Jenny knew I thought it wasn't that bad.

 

What I didn't realise was I was having so must fun with Jenny that I forgot about my weight and stated to eat a little more every day. It was like a miracle but I still wasn't anywhere close to myself. That night I slept like a baby. No throwing up.

 

The next day school was the same, but people started smiling at me. It was weird. First I had Science first with Mrs. Banks. She's really nice and we used to have a laugh. In Science we are learning about the digestive system. Coincidence. In this lesson I always get the snotty eyes and cocky smiles and the laughter that indicates someone's talking about you. I'm always sat on own in this subject. The top left corner. No one will sit with me and if someone does its guaranteed another person will shout

"don't sit there you might catch something ", it feels like, like you're the only different person in the entire world, like you're being judged every second of every day and it destroys you from the inside out. It feels like your heart as been turn out, like every breath is a waste and your life has no purpose. That's how I feel most days.

 

Next ICT and my teacher, Miss.Tatler who couldn't stop looking at me, trying to piece together the puzzle I made of myself. She would look at me and I knew because I felt her eyes burning a hole in my mind, every so often I would turn my dropped head to the right and make eye contact with her. As soon as she realised I was looking at her she would quickly turn away and talk to a student on the opposite side of the room. She would on occasion ask if I was okay which I appreciated but felt wasn't necessary. When the bell went to indicate beak, she asked me to stay behind. She asked me a load of questions that I couldn't answer, not just before I had no energy but because I simply just didn't have the answers. Not having the answers to a question about yourself is like not having a self at all. Emptiness. My mind was just empty. After not answering her questions she let me go.

 

At break I normally  hide in the toilets but I went to the cantina and got once piece of toast. Louise, who used to talk to me like we'd known each other all our lives, looked at me, surprised and whispered to Natalie and Jacinta, also used to be close friends. We was like the fantastic five. Even though I only ate the middle of a half of the toast I felt proud.

 

After break I had R.E and Mrs. Fitzpatrick always liked me whether I was fat, thin or had four ears. Even though I never believed in God or religion I remember Mrs. Fitz once told me " whether you believe in science or religion, everyone is just looking for the reason we exist". That's been my main focus for the last year, looking for why I exist. So R.E wasn't that bad except it was different than normal. I still had the idiots asking if I wanted some of their Kit Kat or chocolate, but when Georgia said it as she always does, cocky with a laugh, I said yes, took it and ate it. Her jaw dropped and that was my cue to laugh and say

"that was really nice, forgot what they tasted like", just as cocky as she did, if not cockier. Then came the strange part everyone except Georgia started to clap. At first it was just a few and the more joined in and them the whole class. I hadn't felt happy since before my dad left.

 

Next was Drama, the only place where you got to be anyone else but yourself and to me that was the most accomplishing thing in my day, being able to feeling what other people feel and seeing things differently to how you might see them. Our assignment was to act out a monologue. At first I didn't  know what to write about but then it hit me. Me. I was going to write about my life, my struggles, my push back and my humiliations.

 

Forty minutes had past and I had wrote twelve lines. They weren't very engaging but my life isn't either. I titled it 'the real me'. My first line read

"my life, what so special about it", which is what  I thought when I convinced myself to give up on hope, ambition, success, independents and self respect. After I realized these are the key to a happy life. So when Miss. McGarry asked me to read my monologue out I simply said,

"Everyone's life is a journey, whether there be something always blocking your way, but every life is worth taking a chance or a risk once in a while. My risk is trying to overcome what is probably the mountain blocking the sight of my horizon, but because there is hope, there is a chance and I have grabbed the chance with both hands and looked fear in the eye and now everything seems brighter, every day I can see over the mountain just a little bit more and sometimes I fall and so do most people, but I can say, proudly, I climbed back up and never gave up". Everyone stared down at their feet and Miss winked at me and I sat down.

 

After class was dinner and I sat with the usual suspects, Natalie, Louise, Jacinta and Jenny. I still didn't eat much but a had a centre of a ham sandwich and a coke, diet. It was one of those awkward silences, the tension was building up. Then Jacinta blurted out about the Kit Kat in R.E. Jenny told them that I was recovering and didn't want to talk about it, but that wasn't the case. I didn't what them to be all up in my face and asking me loads of questions, which they did anyway. The ones they seemed most interested in the answer was, am I going to rehab and did I have a therapist. It was like everyone was trying to get in my head and I couldn't handle it. I got up from the table and ran out of the canteen faster than I have in a long time. I didn't want to admit about having a therapist in front of Jenny but as soon as I got out of the building I rang my her. I felt anger building up inside. She answered with a

" Hello, Kate Walsh", very professional. I told her who it was and her voice seemed to change, from calm to rushed, she couldn't get her words out fast enough. She asked what's up and I told her I couldn't cope anymore and I hung up the phone. After that she kept ringing me, I turned off my phone and went to the hiding place. The toilets.

 

The bell went and I opened the door to see who was there, empty. I was alone at last. I think Kate thought I was about to do something stupid because when I turned my phone back on I had twenty-six messages. I sat on my knees, head drooping over the toilet. Then out of the blue Natalie walked in and shouted me. I told her to go away. She told me some women was looking for me and I was argent. I asked her what the women looked like and she said

"small, black hair, brown eyes"

just from that description I knew who it was, Kate. She had never been to my school before. I told Natalie to go away and tell her that she didn't find me, but Natalie was too much of a friend to do that. She ran out of the toilets.

 

Next thing I knew I was on the floor of the toilets and the toilet was full of sick. As soon as a woke up I realized what I had done. I flushed the chain and I saw Kate's shoes under the door. I knew they were hers because they were black, high heels and had a pink bow on the front, with a diamond connecting the bow to the shoe. They were her favourite. She was talking to me from the other side of the door. She knew what I had done and her voice told me she was disappointed, without her needing to say the humiliating word. Disappointment. She told me, before this incident, I was making good progress (which In theory language means, you're doing alright). I opened the door, but I couldn't look her in the eye. I wiped my mouth on my sleeve. My eye liner had smudged with the tears rolling down my face, my eyes were drooped and I was pail. Kate tried to stand me up but my legs were weak and I seemed to have no control over them. She hugged me and told me everything would be okay. She had never told me before. It felt weird. 

 

Thirty minutes went by and all we did was talk, about me. It was nice and she made me promise if I felt like doing that again I would ring her. I promised. 

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