Fucked up (1D)

The 17 year old Mary Jane Moore, lives a normal life - until on her 17th birthday, where her loving parents tragically dies in a car accident. The young man behind the opposing car survives - but he is no ordinary boy. What will happen when Mary Jane is forced to meet the "killer" of her parents? And what will happen to her after her parents death?

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14. Relief

His breathing was slow, but I could feel him next to me, lying there, his body against mine, his arms around me, caressing my arm with his thumb. I was looking out into my room, gazing at the clock slowly moving around. I'd been lying there for hours with him, staring out into the room, not really thinking, just concentrating. The tears on my pillow were dried out, leaving soft grey marks where I'd been lying, but I didn't care. Harry was fast asleep, probably dreaming, because he'd stopped moving his hand, and now all I could feel was his chest rising and falling, against my back. My one-man bed weren't exactly big enough for the both of us, so we were lying really closely, feeling every inch of each others bodys against our own. I was still staring at the clock.

Tick, tock, tick, tock. It was twelve in the evening now, and it was all so quiet. Kylie wasn't home either - she called a couple of hours ago, saying she was sleeping at her mother's house tonight, and that she'd dropped off the groceries outside our door. I was glad, then Harry wouldn't have to leave. I felt safe with him there. It felt like the hole in my chest suddenly weren't a gaping hole of emptiness, but actually something with feeling, something with a beating heart, a pulse.

I carefully turned around, facing him. His hair were messy, and his curls were hanging around his face, flat from lying on the pillow. I looked at him, at his peaceful face, his eyes closed, and his face turning into a smile. His arm was still around me, and I could feel his hand slowly starting to move again.

"No, don't wake..." I whispered, touching his cheek and pushing a strand of hair away from his face.

"Go back to sleep..." I said, as I buried my face in his chest. His laugh filled my ear, as he breathed in the smell of my hair.

"Why?" He asked, resting his head on top of mine. 

"You look so peaceful when you sleep... like you have no worries, no problems." I said, my lips brushing across the skin on the crook of his neck.

"Haven't you slept yet?" he asked, pulling me closer to him. I shook my head, exhaling.

"Go to sleep..." he whispered into my ear, kissing the top of my head. I laid back my head to look at him.

"I can't." I said.

"Why?" He removed a strand of hair from my face, and propping his head up on his elbow.

"I have nightmares." I said, not wanting to look at him.

"But that doesn't matter, you don't need to know that..." I said, now pulling away.

"No, tell me." I took a deep breath, and closed my eyes.

"I've had this nightmare, where I see a silhouette. This person sounds like my mother, looks like her, feels like her - until I touch her.." A picture of the scary silhouette flashed across my retinal, as shivers ran down my spine.

"A dark... silhouette, standing there... then everything flashes, and I'm sitting in my parents car, reliving their last moments, seeing the car crash..." My heart was pounding in my chest, as I opened my eyes, finding them filled with water. The tears were running down my cheeks, soaking up the matress beneath us.

"I'm sorry... I can't do this.." I stood up, rushing to the bathroom, slamming the door behind me.

"Doe?" I slid down the door, my body shaking from the pain filling up where my heart used to be.

"Please Doe, let me in!" Harry said, as he knocked on the door. My head was aching, and I wanted to escape the world, wanted to stay away forever, and sit in here forever, never having to go outside again. The sobs filled up the silence, and my naked body was soaked from my tears, running down my cheeks like endless waterfalls. I stood up, and moved over to the shower, as I sat down under Harrys coat and umbrella on the wet tiles, looking in the drawers next to me, searching for the razor. My hand were fumbling with the different sponges, sometimes cutting myself on sharp foot-files and soap-scrabers. I scrambled around, my eyes not able to see from the tears, finally finding the razor I was looking for. Inside a white towel, I had put the razor, ready to cut with. I opened up the "package" finding nothing, except a note.

"Don't want you to hurt yourself, remember? xx Love Kyle"

I choked a bit, and started crying even more, when I realized that I wasn't getting to relief my pain today.

"Doe? Let me in, please! I can't help you, if you don't let me in!" Harry's voice was frustrated, and I could hear the tears. He was shaking violently in the handle now, making me cry even more.

"GO AWAY!" I shouted, my head spinning. A loud crash sounded, and the door sprung wide open, while Harry walked inside the room. The tears were shining on his bare chest, and his eyes were obviously red. He looked at me, and his expression changed. He walked to my side, and sat down next to me. His boxers were hanging loosely over his waist, and they slid down a bit as he sat down. He put his arm around me, grasping my shoulder, and pulling me in to rest on his chest. I cried, not wanting to move, feeling his warmth against me. Ha picked me up slightly, and spread my legs, sitting me in front of him, on his thighs, facing him. I put my hands down in front of me, closing my eyes. His arms pulled my body towards his, as he pulled me into a hug, resting my head on the crook of his shoulder, doing the same himself. I could feel his eyes looking around me, and seeing the wet note lying on the floor.

"You do realize that I see where those scars and slits are from, right?" he asked, pulling me out into arms-length, looking me in the eyes. I looked at him, and bit my lip to stop sobbing. 

"I was just hoping my theories weren't true..." he whispered, as he picked up my arm, and examined the little red marks on the wrists.

"Please, don't..." he said, as his bottom lip started to quiver.

"You're an amazing girl, and I'm so sorry... but please, don't," he said, tearing up. I opened my mouth as i was about to say something, but no sound escaped my lips. I leaned in, and kissed away the tears.

"I-I... I just can't... the voice.. in-in, my head... I'm just... fucked up - beyo-o-ond repair." I stutter, as I swallow once, trying to relax my muscles. both my hands were on his shoulders, and his around my body, pulling me in, our lips almost touching.

"I'm so sorry..." he whispered, as a sad expression spread across his face. He pushed me the last bit, as our lips met in a kiss, making my body tingle all the way from my head, to my toes. The truth was out, and even Kylie didn't quite know how much i'd been using those razors these days - but for some reason, telling Harry wasn't terrifying and heart-breaking. Telling Harry was a relief.

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