Top five things you should be afraid of.

I wrote this on June 19, 2009 in a note on Facebook. I was hoping to educate the masses. I have decided to post this on Movellas to continue to spread the, uh, good word?

Status: Complete


1. A Glimpse From My Eyes

It has come to my attention that everyone is not afraid of the same things. I have decided to educate the masses (starting with my friends) of the scariest, meanest and trickiest things I can think of. Like all those annoying, yet addictive "Top (x number) Things" list I will start with the least threatening and progress to the most threatening thing to be afraid of.

5) Small dogs. For most people who know me, this should not come as a surprise. Let me break down the factors that make these small four-leggers such a threat.

- Dogs have teeth. ... and they are sharp.
- Dogs eat meat, we are meat.
- Small things move fast. I'm not sure how that works but it just seems to happen that way.
- Small living things have attitude problems. I'm sure it's that whole little guy complex.
- Small things are harder targets to attack/defend against.

This equals scary.

4) Rabbits. Alright, this may sound odd but think about it. Some grown bunny hops around at night leaving candies for small children and poops out eggs. That's just creepy. Oddly enough I actually like the Easter Rabbit. 

So who else is a culprit? Ah, the dyed pink thing that never stops and goes everywhere banging on a drum. I mean this guy does NOT die. ... but he's actually kinda cool. 

In reality it's those creepy fluffy ones that stare at you from their cage munching on carrots or pellets or whatever their munching while they are imprisoned at the county fair. They just sit there and munch and flick their nose waiting for you to get closer. They're really thinking about how good your blood will taste. You've heard of Bunnicula. Chester was right. At first it's just the vegetables, but from there it's us. They need us as human slave and food sources. They breed too fast to be bothered by a strict vegetable diet.

3) Chickens (and sometimes Roosters). Granted at first they don't seem as scary as the rabbits, but clearly you haven't been chased around a corn maze or an island by one. These things run fast. Not only can they run fast and fly, they are vicious! I once was sitting on a deck near a chicken coop and this field mouse ran out from underneath me. The chickens swarmed it and picked the bones clean in a matter of minutes.

If that didn't convince you play a Legend of Zelda game. If you accidentally (or purposely) hurt a chicken too many times a whole swarm (well I guess it's a flock) of them fly out of nowhere and attack you until a) you've found shelter or b) you have died.

2) Things without brains (that can't think logically). I mostly mean the living dead AKA zombies. I'm pretty sure if I was alone an an outbreak hit I would huddle in the corner of a room I secured the best I could and pee my pants. These things terrify me. I know the best thing I've got for myself defense is my verbal skills which I use in two different ways.

a) I find away to talk myself out of the situation. Something like (but obviously not limited to), "Seriously, me? I'm pretty small. I'm not much of a threat and I am hardly worth the meal." or "I've had a rough life, if you think you can take me out where a car couldn't, bring it!"

b) or I try to seduce them, therefore lowering their guard so I can run as far as I can before they realize what just happened.

1) Butterflies. Yeah I said- er wrote it; butterflies. The main problem that people don't know about them is the whole innocent thing, that's just an act. Lucky for you, right now they're only attacking the people who know the truth so I actually encourage you to think I'm crazy on this one. The less you believe butterflies are a threat, the safer you will be.

But I really should defend my stance before I turn away any allies I might have out there; the seekers of truth. (Please keep in mind that these are not facts, just theories).

- That flying dust/powder/whatever is on their wings can be dropped on the skin of the enemy and embeds itself like stinging nettles.
- Scientifically altered butterflies that have escaped from the labs have acid like spittle so they can not be contained.
- At the ends of their wings there are little tiny razor blades that can be extend like cats claws as they swoop down for the kill.
- When they kill, they can only kill once. Like bees, killing something means suicide. Thus the reason why they are leaving the non-believers alone.
- Their mouths are actually quite powerful, just like a snails. The difference between the moth and the butterfly is that the butterfly is not as stupid as the moth. Moths let it be known that they still have mouth and they can eat through cloth.
- Good news is because they have such amazing power, they are also rather frail and because of this they must keep up the innocent act until there are enough of them. Unfortunately for us, they are fast and small targets. 

Now I have left you with what I know (or have theorized...). I encourage you to think of the top things you are most afraid of and educate me in return.

- Your friend, Zazz

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