Misguided Musings of a Hypocritical Teenager

After being involved in a near-death experience, teenager Andy Marcks begins to see life for what it is. This realization seems to be shown to him by a new personality growing within him. New feelings and urges will lead Andy on a path that he can never return from, it will change his life completely, in the way that it will finally allow him to live. Along with this personality a host of people with various perspectives on life will help Andy to find what he has been secretly searching for since his mind first entered this world...

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3. three

It was getting late and I decided to put down my copy of ‘On the Road’, turn off my light and go to bed. I began to doze off listening to the familiar and comforting sounds of the suburbs of East Melbourne. Dogs barking at any excuse whether it be a cat or the full moon made me feel at home, protected from the big bad world. Little did I know this was the last time I would have an urge for safety, security and what I knew. This is where my thirst for the unexplored, the strange and different became my destiny. A gust of wind shook the windowpanes of the old wooden house and I sat up straight in my bed with my spine tingling and a name within my mind, within my soul and upon my lips,

“Saul”

This name embodied everything that had happened since the crash, in that moment I knew that it was no accident that I had been in that situation, and what I had seen in my head certainly was not fantasy. This different person that had been growing inside of me had a name and he had had a life, I knew it, I don’t know how I just knew. All reason and laws of reality were tied by the hangman’s noose and executed inside this new mind that was taking hold of my brain. Ideas of time travel and visions from the past became plausible to me as I realised Saul was real, or at least had been real, and now he was real again. Living through me, he was Andrew Marcks and Andrew Marcks was Saul. We had both been in that crash together in 2012 and in the past all those years ago.

A voice inside my head kept on repeating the name, drowning out the sounds of simple suburbia. I allowed myself to follow my urges and my instinct and I grabbed a pen from my desk. I began writing ‘Saul’ on every surface I could find. When I ran out of places I began to scribble the name all over my body, until I was covered in thick black ink.

“The Walls!”

No sooner had I said it, (or perhaps it was the voice inside my head who said it, it was quite hard to distinguish between the two) I had started to scrawl the name all over the four walls of my room. I slowly started to despise the walls, I grew a burning hatred for them. They felt like a barrier.

“A barrier against what?” I whispered the question, it was Andy asking Saul and Saul replied. My eyes involuntary focused on a map of Australia I had on the back of my door. I walked towards the map that seemed to be glowing in the darkness. I reached out my left hand and placed it upon the centre of the map. It was surprisingly warm, contrasting itself against the cool night air. With my right hand I slowly began to rip the map apart, leaving only the centre that was protected by my left hand.

I suddenly felt a warm wave flow through my body. A smile took control of my lips and I felt a tear roll down my cheek. That’s when I knew, that was it, that’s what was missing. That’s where Saul and I had to go, we had to escape. I knew then that everything I had been searching for, everything people like Cook and my other aimlessly wandering mates tried to find, would be found there.

“A barrier against life and all its meaning”

I had never left Melbourne, the hustle and bustle and constant pressures of a city society was all I knew. True happiness had not been found there, so it seemed quite obvious now that I would have to go somewhere else.

This moment of realisation slowly ebbed out of me and I became quite drowsy, I fell onto my bed and slept almost immediately, still clutching the piece of map in my hand like it was somehow connected to my life force. In any case it meant a lot to me and I felt as if I needed to protect it from something.

~~~

“Saul I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to just get up and leave everything all of a sudden, there will be time for you to go out and see the country and later to see the world, but why do you have to do it now?”

“Mum if you keep thinking there’s time you will wake up one day in a suit and tie with three kids and a mortgage or worse you’ll wake up one day and a man in a black cloak with a scythe will be knocking on your door saying ‘time’s up’.”

“Still, you’re only 18...” Saul stopped his mum mid-sentence,

“Exactly! I am young and free I still have the opportunity to find exactly who I am and exactly what I want before I’m weighed down with the worries of experience. Believe me mum there is no better time”

“This is all because of that bloody Jack Kerouac you read and that rock and roll you listen to isn't it? They’re the ones that put these ideas in your head and make you and all your friends run away from commitment and conformity, you all just need to learn to grow up why can’t you be happy with what you've got?!”

“Happy? Happy with living until you've made enough money so that you can die in peace and comfort? No I won’t be happy until I've found more than that, and don’t you shake your head because there is more...there has got to be more....”

~~~

I yawned and stretched as I woke up from my dream. I looked around my room to see the mess I had made during the night. The walls could hardly be seen through the scribble contained upon them. The writing upon my own body had been smeared and smudged giving my skin a smoky hue that was also lathered over the sheets of my bed. I’m quite the artist, I thought with a grin. I had little time to enjoy my personal joke as my door opened without a knock and I heard mum begin speaking about a doctor’s appointment but she stopped herself short when she noticed the state of the room.

“Andy....What?....Why?” she sounded dumbstruck as she looked around the room with a look of horror gripping her face, her eyes then focused on me and I saw the same pain that had been evident after the crash.

“We have to go” was all she said and I obeyed.

 

 

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