Misguided Musings of a Hypocritical Teenager

After being involved in a near-death experience, teenager Andy Marcks begins to see life for what it is. This realization seems to be shown to him by a new personality growing within him. New feelings and urges will lead Andy on a path that he can never return from, it will change his life completely, in the way that it will finally allow him to live. Along with this personality a host of people with various perspectives on life will help Andy to find what he has been secretly searching for since his mind first entered this world...


1. one

The Clod and the Pebble


"Love seeketh not itself to please,

nor for itself hath any care,

but for another gives its ease,

and builds a heaven in hell's despair"


So sung a little clod of clay

trodden with the cattle's feets,

but a pebble of the brook 

warbled out these metres meet:


"Love seeketh only self to please

to bind another to its delight,

joys in another's loss of ease,

and builds a hell in heaven's despite."


- William Blake


"Be Careful in that car."

My mother said it to me every time I drove and I knew she meant it, she spoke with an air of experience, of pain and most of all a grief that even time could never fully and completely eclipse. Those simple five words are what rang in my ears louder than the crash of metal upon metal, the screech of tires and the howl of the cars engine, giving it animalistic life in its moment of destruction. Onlookers may have noticed all of this commotion and all this noise. For me though, it was just that, noise, white noise in the background, it didn't mean anything to me. In that moment, in that time that others would later describe as a traffic accident, I was not there. This here is the hardest part to explain, my life did not flash before my eyes, I was not scared and I'm not trying to sound manly or whatever that means, I just did not feel, I wasn't me, I simply was not there.

When I opened my eyes I saw a woman in the distance crying, she was wearing a long dress I had never seen before, like something from the 1960's. If she was younger I might have thought she was part of the second wave of hipsters who had spat on brand names and turned to the thrift shop instead, trying to make a statement about materialism through the clothes they wore. However that irony couldn't be applied to this woman, she truly looked like she had stepped out of the 60's. Her crying got louder and louder becoming a wail like I had never heard before, and then I noticed behind her, a car. I would have called it vintage except it looked brand new as if it had been made this very year, but this car had been in a crash. The bonnet had been ripped apart and sprawled over the road leaving the engine exposed, the hiss it made could be heard from where I sat. The woman looked up locking eyes with my own; hers were bright blue inset in a fair face with blonde hair. She could look pretty, I thought, if her face was not wet with tears and dirt. The eyes were full of despair, I had never noticed something in such detail and all of a sudden they disappeared, everything went black and all I heard was her screaming amid sobs, "I've killed him, I've killed him!"

I opened my eyes once more to see that the voice came from a lady standing in front of my destroyed car, she was not the woman from the 1960's but rather a woman in her late 20's wearing a suit-skirt with brown hair and glasses. Her independent sophisticated-look had been disrupted by the terror of fear running through all of her features.

"Calm down now, calm down, look his eyes are opening, you're in shock just calm down." The voice came from a man standing next to her.

The man was wearing blue overalls and was well-built with broad shoulders. He came to the driver's side of the car and opened my door, allowing for a rain of glass to fall from the car and shatter to the ground.

"Mate, you alright?" The question was directed at me.

I thought about it, I felt fine, I wasn't hurt, I tensed and relaxed all the muscles in my body and was pleasantly surprised to find that they all responded. I didn't even feel like I had been in a car crash, my mind wasn't dazed it was just still preoccupied with the woman I had seen, it was working at a 100 miles an hour trying to ascertain fact from fiction and vision from reality

"Yeah," the words came out slowly. "Yeah I'm okay, how's she?" I pointed towards the woman in front of my car who still seemed dazed and confused.

"She'll be right, no harm done just a little shocked is all," the man replied with a chuckle, he seemed relieved that nobody was hurt and his eyes brightened, he had already began to look at the situation optimistically, "got yourself into a bit of a pickle there mate, gotta make sure you give way at intersections like this."

Bits of memory began to flood back to me as I remembered going to turn at an intersection. After waiting for a truck to pass I had begun turning only to realise too late that there was a car behind the truck. I slammed on the breaks but she was coming too fast and then everything seemed to be in a race with the speed of the car, it was all a blur and then blackness. I must have fainted I thought to myself.

"What's your name son?" The man was still watching me closely.

After a pause I replied, "Saul, my names Saul."

"Okay Saul, do you know where we are?"

"Yeah Melbourne of course." The man did not look satisfied with my answer. "On the Eastside of Melbourne, in the state of Victoria, Australia" I added smugly.

The man laughed heartily, "Good, good and can you remember the date?"

"Umm, December," I don't usually pay attention to the exact date because I don't like attaching time to things, "December '68," wait a second that's not right," I mean nineteen...2012 yes twenty twelve that's it." I laughed off the mishap and smiled at the man.

He looked at me weirdly and then replied, "Yes 2012... Let's get you out of the car and see if you can walk."

I stood up unaided by the man's outstretched hand. Unlike my mind, my body felt invigorated, like I had been imbued with new life, I could do more than walk I felt like I could run, no I wanted to run, I don't know where but I wanted to get out of here, I wanted to see things I hadn't seen and do things I hadn't done.

My eyes drank in my surroundings as if they were seeing them in a new light, like they belonged to someone else. The truck was parked on the side of the road with the door open, it must have belonged to the man in blue overalls. My car sat in the middle of the intersection which was now in the process of being blocked off by men in high vis uniforms. The lady's car was about ten metres to my left amid shards of broken glass, it was a new car, much newer than my own, probably a 2012 model. I got closer to the car and it looked more and more familiar, hold on, is that? The bonnet lay next to the car leaving the engine exposed in the exact same manner as the old car I saw when I blacked out.

Confusion once again gripped my mind, punching me like a king hit, throwing me off balance from whatever goodness I had been feeling. The vision I saw had seemed so real so lifelike, I felt much more in tune with what had happened in my mind and my soul than what I was seeing right now. Right now could be a dream for all connection I felt with it, I could probably reach out and touch something and it will disappear I thought to myself. Like Alice I have fallen down the rabbit hole, but this is not Wonderland, this is reality, I'm just not a part of it.

The hiss from the engine which had been so loud to begin with was slowly quieting, like a snake who had given up all hope. The moment of crisis was dying, adrenalin was lost as people stopped relying on instinct and rather processed the situation with their brain.

These were the thoughts within the whirlpool of my mind as I approached the woman. In a matter of moments she had transformed from a babbling wreck into a very businesslike and dignified person. She bore no resemblance to the woman from the 60's her eyes showed no vulnerability or remorse but rather an articulated demeanor that seemed as if it was used to getting what it wanted. I stopped myself, wow, how could I notice so much in so little time? Never before had I thought like how I was thinking now, not only did my eyes notice more, but my mind was able to comprehend exactly what the things my eyes saw meant. I felt as if I could read a person, like a book, just from looking at them.

"I need a name, contact details and insurance information." The lady pulled out a pen and pad, hardly regarding me. She handed me a pen and I began to write until I felt a vibration in my pocket.

"Just a second" I said as I pulled out my mobile. The lady looked exasperated. 

My heart skipped a beat as I saw the caller I.D: Mum. Her words rushed back to me,

"Be careful in that car".


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