Misguided Musings of a Hypocritical Teenager

After being involved in a near-death experience, teenager Andy Marcks begins to see life for what it is. This realization seems to be shown to him by a new personality growing within him. New feelings and urges will lead Andy on a path that he can never return from, it will change his life completely, in the way that it will finally allow him to live. Along with this personality a host of people with various perspectives on life will help Andy to find what he has been secretly searching for since his mind first entered this world...


4. four

We were driving my dad’s car. It was old and in need of a new...well basically a replacement of everything that’s in a car. The engine rattled as we turned off the highway. Looking at the signs on the side of the road I noticed we were not going the right way to see the doctor. I voiced my opinion aloud and was responded to quite curtly by my mother,

“We aren't going to a normal doctor” she said without taking her eyes off the road.

 “Why not?”

“Because what you did was not normal.”

Her short, crisp responses and simple logic made me feel as if I had done something wrong...something a lot worse than just drawing on walls.

“So where are we going?”

We stopped at a red light and my mother looked at me for the first time since entering my room in the morning,

“I’m taking you to see a psychiatrist Andy.”

“Because of Saul?”

She winced at the name,

“Yes because of Saul.”

A thought then occurred to me, well it was more like him explaining something to me and then it all clicked. My mouth began to move, my lips forming words, I was talking without telling myself to, he was telling me to,

“You knew him didn't you?”

There was a long pause, accompanied by an agonizing silence. She couldn't hide it anymore.

“Yes...He was my brother.”

“ You've never told us...”

“He died,” Her face began to contort with raw emotion, somewhere between sadness and pity, “A car crash, he was 18. I was very young, but we were close and when it happened...I just didn't know what to do, I just couldn't believe it, couldn't fathom it...And the other day, Andy, you came so close to making me feel the same grief, a grief I haven’t felt for over 40 years.”

We stopped in front of the clinic. I realised how hard it must have been to bottle up such a tragedy inside her for so long. I've brought Saul back to life, and with him a whirlwind of emotion has been unleashed.

“I’m sorry mum, I never meant for any of this.”

A thin smile touched her lips that were wet from a sole tear that had trickled down her cheek and made a home for itself.

“It’s okay Andy...the shrink will find out what the meaning of all this is and everything will be alright” it was a reassurance to herself as much as it was to me. Suddenly her face adopted her usual placid and content mask and jumping back into the world of normalcy she starkly changed the topic of conversation,

“ I've got some grocery shopping to do so I’ll be back to pick you up in an hour.”

I got out of the car and started towards the door of the clinic, as my mother left me I actually felt pleased with the turn of events. I didn't feel strange because I was going to see a shrink, funnily enough I felt like I had as many questions for the mellow interrogator as they would have for me.


The room was dimly lit by a lamp in the corner. Shutters blinded the sunlight from the window and other than the psychiatrist and I the closest thing to life in the room were plastic plants. I sat on a chair which was not uncomfortable although neither was it soft and inviting but rather somewhere in between.

“So shall I call you Andy or Saul” She asked me after I had finished explaining the events during and after the crash. She was much nicer looking than imagined, small and plump with a caring face she reminded me a lot of my mother.

The question broke the ice and I laughed as I replied,

“I think I’d quite happily reply to either”

“So you feel like you are two people?”

I had to think carefully before I answered,

“At the beginning yes... But it’s becoming more and more like Saul, his thoughts, his wishes and his urges are just another part of my own...what he wants is what I want”

I waited for the shrink to call me crazy but instead she just wrote something down in her pad and continued,

“It seems you have an intimate connection with your Uncle Saul, how can that be though, he died long before you were born, how is it you know so much about him?”

It seemed strange to call him my uncle, but as I uttered the term in my head I realised I liked it. I ignored her question and instead asked my own,

“This all happened at the crash, that’s when I had my first vision, the first time I saw his world through his eyes. Uncle Saul also was in a crash when he was my age...do you think it’s possible that his spirit has found its way into me?”

I swore at myself in my mind for asking such a stupid question, it went against all reason and science that I had been taught to be fact as solid as stone throughout my whole life. Although like in the car there was no way of stopping what I was saying, my lips moved and the words came out, as if Saul was trying to lead me to draw a particular conclusion.

The shrink was rapidly engaged with writing all of this down and seemed too preoccupied to answer my question, so I went on with my train of thought,

“Maybe I was the one who was supposed to die and he was supposed to live...who knows what he could have done if he had...so now, now he lives through me.” Yes, yes that sounded right.

She looked up from her work and finally seemed willing to engage in conversation with me again,

“In all the ghost stories don’t the spirits linger because they have unfinished business on Earth?”

Of Course! My lips shaped the words like an artist or a sculptor putting the finishing touches on their finest pieces of work.

“Yes! Yes, Saul needs to escape, Saul needs to find out what it means, I need to get out of here, my thoughts have been screaming get me outta this place since the crash! I need to show us that there is some goodness somewhere, there is something real and important somewhere!”

“Where do you need to go?”

“To the centre, to the centre of everything!”

“What exactly will you find there?”

“Myself... Which is everything you see? What are you if you don’t really know who  you are? Generations...generations upon generations of kids who are trapped, who need to get out!”

“And where exactly are they escaping from?”

“From here.”

The clock struck twelve, ‘time’s up’.

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