kiss me i'm irish

Young Adam lives in his own stupid teenage world. When will he ever wake up and smell the pimple cream? And what is the truth behind all the lies about his fake irish girlfriend Moose?
Is Moose a real name anyway?


3. the horse lover

Gena ran to me in washed out jeans and a pink tank-top, her septum ring bouncing around like nobodies business. She waved a list beneath my nose. We were at the park, me swinging to and fro on the baby swing the chains rust-rendered and wet with midsummer overnight rain drying with the morning dew. "What's this?" I snorted, wiping my naked upper lip for escaping snot. I wondered why I could never grow hair there but my armpits were sweaty forests. 
"I have a list of woman who are desperate little girls; desperate for their first kiss. Four of which have a close Irish accent and the other ten have no accent. But, you could tell your Douglas friend that her accent faded over time for living in Utah for a long time or something."
"What-wha? You can't already have fourteen girls on a list?" 
"I do." 
"They go to our school?" 
"If they went to our school, Douglas would know you were cheating him wouldn't he? You numb numb. These girls are from all different schools. Some friends of mine they want me to set them up and others I know too." 
I had never thought of the school issue and Douglas knowing I was lying really. I suppose I hadn't thought it through. 
"Well? Do you want to know who I got?" 
"Yes I do!" 
Gena sat on the big-kid swing and handed me to list, leaning over and jabbing her pinky fingernail at the names. 
"Tine Johnstone is a little chubby but she's single..." 
"Gena! I told Douglas and every other punk that she's a babe. I can't go for a little chubby." 
"Fine. We'll cross her off the list. Oh - you have to go on a date with Mia Queen coz I already told you I would set her up with you on Saturday." 
"I work at the drug store Saturdays." 
"Not this week." 
"Okay, so is she hot?" 
"Geesus, why are you guys so disgusting. All girls are pretty in their own way..." 
"No they are not. And don't lecture me with that inner beauty crap coz that ain't what Douglas is expecting."
"She's average. Skinny, shorter than you so you look bigger and tougher, HAS an accent but it's Scottish but your friends can't finish or pass a maths test in a half hour anyway so they won't know the difference. Her only problem is a mole ON her lip. But you can handle that right? No the way. In my opinion, if I were a boy I'd say she's a keeper." 
At this point I was thinking I'd found the one. But that thought was over the minute I stood on Mia Queen's welcome mat and rang the doorbell that 'NEEEIIIIGGHHHHEEDDD' like a horse. She came to the door, a corsage around her wrist and an ear to ear smile begging for one in return. She stood still as if her smile was going to sit there like a sponge, beckoning me to come closer. I waved close to my chest and gave a bashful quarter-smile as I took another step into her doorway. 
"Mia, isn't it?" 
"It can be whatever you want it to be." Mia whispered smoothly with her blue-veiny wrist blocking my way in the house. 
"C'mon..." I shrugged. 
Mia immediately snapped out of whatever mode she was in and shyly grinned. 
"Sorry," she said rather high-pitched, "I was watching Pretty Woman just now and it seemed like the right thing to say." 
"It's okay," I said, thinking 'hey, this girls kind of alright.' 
Mia touched her lips. 
"Lip gloss! Oops - be back in a minute." I stood like some frozen vegetable idle in the refrigerator draw, getting it through my head that Mia hadn't let me in. Then, to my relief, Mia shuffled back in two inch snake print Saucy Ankle Cuff Pumps waving me inside, handed me a glass of water that I returned to it's rightful place on the kitchen island and ran off to paint her lips. I hadn't realized Mia's monster mole once she'd come back with it shinier. I almost jumped out of my own black canvases. 
The only thing that took the attention away from her almost-black mole was her cute Scottish accent that I couldn't get over. As I drove Mia to the restaurant Gena had recommended, I noticed the pony earrings that just didn't go with Mia's dress. They were quite long dangley ones with real hair for the mane and tail which I hoped wasn't from a real horse.  Mia caught me staring at her and smiled. 
"What?" She said, shrugging sheepishly. I knew she'd want me to say something like, "You're just so beautiful," or, "I can't dare look away from your natural beauty." But Adam being Adam, I simply said, 




"You are so shallow!" Gena spat, flapping her spindly arms at me. "You found the perfect girl and just because she likes horses you crossing her off the list?" 
"No, Gena. I'm crossing her off the list because all night she was talking to me about all these different bore-you-to-tears horse and pony stories about her when she left and lived on the farm. I said to her, "Do you want a glass of water?" and she said, "Caroline loved water," another horse! Then she started crying about her parents leaving the horses when she moved off the property and I was so embarrassed. I can't have her cry in front of Douglas. She's got to go." 
Gena shook her shoulders.  "You're shallow, but in the end it's your decision. I just hope you know what you've done." 
"Oh gesus, I know what I'm doing Gena." 
"You got yourself into this mess. If I didn't know any better, I'd say you have NO IDEA what you're doing." 
"Are you kidding me, Gena?"
Gena looked up at the clouds and sneezed. She wiped her nose across her sleeve and shook her head again. 
"Next one the list...."


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