Beyond what meets the eye

The mind of a hating, anxious, desperate and depressed young woman is quite strange, but it's also one of the most beautifully disturbing and complicated things in the world. There's barely any limit to the things she'll say or think, but where's the limit to what she'll do and how far she'll get?


1. Addictions

One pill; maybe two; maybe three; four; five.
I’m definitely addicted to my medicine; all kinds of medicine. I’m pretty sure this isn’t right, but I live for what’s wrong. I live for the obscene, disturbing and unacceptable shit in this sick world.
I could use a cigarette.
As slightly lift my back from the floor and sit up I start to feel how hung over I am. 

A bottle of Jack's is floating on the floor next to a pack of cigarettes. Only one left. Shit.
I slowly lift the cigarette and light it with a mach; inhale, exhale.
I blankly stare at the grey and bare walls. The taste and smell of the cigarette makes me want to puke, but I’m used to it. It’s actually nice at some how.

I’m cold. No wonder since I’m barely naked. Wearing nothing but a t-shirt and a pair of panties, which leaves my almost paper-white skin bare.
A long pink, crooked scar is revealed on my left arm; it goes from shoulder to hand. It makes me look kind of wicked. 
I attempted suicide once. About two years ago. I was obviously miserable and very desperate.
Almost as much as now.
 I don’t really like talking about it to be honest, it brings out a lot of bad memories.
I almost died; I kind of wish I had.
After that I got a lot of strange addictions and habits, almost too many.

I smell like shit. I guess I should take a shower, plus I have to piss. At times like these I wish I was born as a male. I could’ve used a bottle or something like that, and I wouldn’t have to care about my hygiene; or at least not as much as I have to right now.  
The world starts spinning as soon as I lift from the cold floor. This is where I sleep most of the time by the way. I actually bought a madras but for some reason I don’t really use it. I guess it's because I'm normally too hung over to care.

I nearly crawl into the bathroom and gently remove my clothes, throw them on the floor.
I turn around and look into the bathroom mirror.
I’m disgusted by what I see. My feet are about the strangest things I’ve ever seen: long toes and nails, and at some how they look thick but still bony. 

My ankles are fat(as the only thing on my entire body), my legs are wide apart even though my feet are touching, the same goes for my thighs. 
My knees have this strange shape and a lot of strange bumps.
Every single bone on my body is sticking out of the pale skin, which is by the way not soft or clean in any way, I’m guessing it’s because I’ve been too cheap to buy any food, and when I finally do it's junkfood! 

I have no such thing as female shapes; I'm more or less just a flat board. 
My neck is pretty long and thin, which makes the rest of my long, bony body look even more strange – I look like an alien.
My chin is quite small and sharp, my lips are thick but my mouth is actually pretty small, and a little lip-piercing is placed in the left bottom of it, so I kind of look like one of those ugly and kind of creepy dolls little kids buy.
Oh and don’t get me started on this huge nose of mine! I decided to add a couple of piercings to it because I'll at least be using some of all that space then. 
My eyes are nut-brown with a hint of green, it kind of looks like grass growing from my pupil.
I have blonde, greasy dreadlocks with brown stripes and pearls that goes to around my bellybutton(which is also pierced by the way).
I have black makeup smeared all over my face.
There are huge black bags under my eyes which makes it look like I’m on drugs even more; so I wear sunglasses most of the time.

I step into the shower and let the cold water refresh my steaming hot skin. It feels like every single drop is gently landing on my skin and form into a layer of soft round feathers that protect me.
This is the kind of relief I need.        

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