Wouldn't Be A Lie

Her head was in the clouds, and his feet were glued to the ground. Playing like lovers in the moonlight, but never stepping out into the sunlight.

(In the process of being edited so I apologize for any craziness!!)

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13. Favorite Girl

Eli

Hey maybe we can stay

Maybe we can lay like this forever

Don't you know she is my favorite girl

I want to run away for days with her

And if you promise not to say a thing

I'm gonna buy that girl a diamond ring

I said oooooh I think I love you

Oooooh I think I love you I love you

My favorite girl

We're in love love love

I hated to see Holly the way she was. The way she made herself so vulnerably available to my every mistake. My every disappearance and abandonment. My every hurtful action and word. The way she opened herself up so deeply to me. Something I wasn't so ready to return to her. I loved her, and had already let her see most parts of me that weren't all pretty, but the last part of me I never wanted her to see or experience. A part so unstable and spontaneous she would turn me away. I wouldn't lose her, I couldn't bear it. The unstable part of me is always there, hiding behind the drugs, but comes out at the worst possible times. 

My entire body ached, especially my chest. It felt charred and heavily bruised. But from what I could hear the nurses talking about me, I wasn’t in the best shape. But I wasn't too worried about my miserable state, I was worried about Holly. She had fallen and gotten a concussion. No one dared tell me why, but I would get it out of Holly. She had been here every day with me since my awakening, and since they discovered I was in this hospital. Not once do I remember her leaving my side. Both our parents insisted she go back to school and get some rest, and every time my girl would refuse. Arguing she needed to be here with me. 

She broke my train of thought as she came back into the room. 

"Hi," she said.

"You ever gonna go back to school?" I blurted out.

"Well it's nice to see you too," she teased, no doubt under her smile I had hurt her...again.

"It is, but I don't want you to stay behind," I said as she neared her usual chair to the left side of my bed.

"I'm not. My teachers send my work, and I complete it. You might be behind though," she said taking my hand in hers.

"I'll catch up," I said.

"You know you won't be able to play for at least a year right?" she said quietly.

We stayed quiet for awhile. Neither one of us continuing the conversation. Football was an important part and role of my life. Not being able to play was hard on me. I wanted nothing more than to be back on the field, feeling the grass beneath my cleats, and experiencing the feeling of scoring a touchdown. I sighed dejectedly and turned away from Holly. She gently turned my face back and saw my eyes full of tears.

"Hey, don't do that," she said softly.

"Do what?" I said sadly.

"Make me sad," she said resting her forehead against mine.

"I'm sorry. None of this would happen if it weren't for me," I said gently pushing her away.

I didn't have to look at her face to see she was hurt by my rejection.

"It's not your fault you're in here," she said.

"Yes, it is," I said, not wanting to meet her eyes knowing I would let go of my control.

"How?" she asked.

The slippery grasp I had on my self-control was now gone. The tears came freely as I recalled the past month. All the darkness, and drugs, and pain; I had so carefully stored away. 

"I left. If I hadn't left we wouldn't be here," I said my voice cracking.

"I should've stopped you," she said guilty.

"I chose to leave," I said.

"Still, I should've done something," she said crying.

I wiped her tears away. My heart broke. How many have I hurt her already? I'm sure I didn't know anymore. I'm not sure I wanted to know. Because if I knew, I would hate myself more. Every tear she shed was another blow to my heart. 

I wanted to tell her what happened over the month, but I didn't know how to tell her. But I wouldn't keep this from her.

"That day, I couldn't handle being home. I couldn't handle anything. I felt like someone was out to get me. Someone wanted to do something to me. I was so anxious; I couldn't handle just sitting there. I needed to get away from whatever was chasing me. I don't know why I felt like that, I just knew I couldn't be still. I left hoping once I left the house that feeling would go away. It didn't. It followed me everywhere I went. I was scared, scared it was gonna hurt me. I went to Brent's and got some more cocaine and then left. I just walked and walked. I slept where I could always feeling someone was persecuting me.  I ran out of cocaine, and met some guys who sold me some, but I didn't have any money. I was desperate and just told them I'd pay them back later. A week passed and they got pissed I never paid them. The last thing I remember is them standing all around me with metal pipes asking if I was dead or not. They weren't gonna stick around to find out," I said anxiously picking at the skin on my hand.

Holly just stared at me blankly. I knew she would react like this. She doesn't want me anymore. My heart picked up its speed.

"Holly, please don't leave me," I begged sounding like a small and needy child.

"So, the entire time, you were pretty much high?" she asked after a long moment of silence. 

"I'm sorry. I just can't...stop. Please don't abandon me," I begged grasping her hand tightly in mine.

"You know I would never," she responded with a small and sad smile.

My heart rate slowed, but I couldn't calm down, not yet. I had to make sure she wasn't lying and going to leave me. 

"Promise me you won't leave," I begged.

"I swear. Remember we don't promise, 'cause promises are meant to be broken," she said sadly a couple of tears falling out of her beautiful green eyes.

"Don't cry," I said my own voice breaking and my own eyes betraying me and shedding a few tears of their own. 

Her chest heaved up and down. I pulled her to me and stroked her hair as she cried into my chest. I only hurt her. Time after time after time. Mistake after mistake. How could she still be here? I didn't care much for the answer, as long as she kept staying. She'd learn to live with the pain. Her heart was now beautifully and gracefully broken, like the most alluring piece of art. She was my biggest weakness, even if she thought it was my addiction. She soon stopped crying and pulled away from me. She smiled and I realized this was our ongoing battle. A battle for balance. A balance between the good and the bad. Between the pain and the bliss. The sweet and intoxicating bliss. 

"I love you," she murmured. 

"I love you more," I said.

"I love you most," she responded pressing her lips to mine.

Everything I had gone through with Holly had made everything worthwhile. I love her so much sometimes I was afraid I would explode. She was different. Her beauty was natural, not forced like Sabrina's. Holly had an innocent sensuality about her that I loved while Sabrina's was overwhelmingly forced. Sabrina was nothing compared to Holly. Holly was my everything. Holly was the only star in my universe. Holly was my angel, my savior, mine. Nothing could ever change what I felt towards her. She pulled away and caressed my cheek. 

She spent the rest of the night with me, her hand in mine, and I watched as she dozed off before finally falling completely asleep. I watched as her head lolled to the side and finally rested on her shoulder. I sat up more and covered her up with the blanket she had brought in a couple of days ago. She was so beautiful when she slept. She was always beautiful. I soon fell asleep, and was woken the next morning by my sister. 

"Hey, Eli. Wake up," she said shaking my shoulder gently.

I moaned and covered my eyes with my arm. Soon a couple more voice joined hers. I opened my eyes, and saw my parents, my sister, Holly, and two doctors. 

"Good morning Eli. I'm your head doctor. Doctor Barnes," a young looking woman, average height, blue eyes and chocolate brown hair. 

"Morning," I said.

"This is your physical therapist, Dr. Andrews. As you've noticed you've made and amazing and quick recovery. That's an excellent thing, although most of your recovery was fast, I can't guarantee all your therapy will go by fast as well," Dr. Barnes said as she gestured to a woman with wavy blonde hair to her hips and sharp gray eyes. 

"You'll be able to leave by December 7th in the afternoon, alright? But until then I want you to stay in bed here and to get as much rest as possible. And before I go happy birthday," she said smiling as Dr. Andrews and herself left the room. 

"You'll be able to go home in a couple of days son," my dad said.

I flinched at his touch. He hardly was ever here for me, and now that I had this sort of accident he thinks he can just more or less reappear? No. He can't. My so called father saw the change in my facial expression and stepped away from me. The only person I wanted to be with me was Holly. Only her. They all left for a couple of minutes, but were soon back with a blue cake that read " Get Well Soon Eli". They also got me several balloons and we ate the cake. The next day I started the brunt of my physical therapy. I had never done anything so difficult and demanding of my body. 

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It was now December 7th and my discharge day. I left Marina Del Rey Hospital in a wheelchair, and hopefully would never come back. My mom helped me into the car and my sister and Holly sat next to me in the back. My father wasn't there. Not a big surprise, he had never been. We got home, and I'd never thought I was going to be so happy to be in that home. I insisted I use my crutches and finally got my way. I hobbled into the main hallway and into the living room and flopped down on the couch. My mom brought out cupcakes and glasses of milk. The night soon fell and I was showered and helped into bed by my mother. I hoped Holly would come into my room as always, and after an hour she did. 

"I missed this," she admitted as she dipped into the long unused sheets.

I pulled her towards me and she wrapped herself with me. 

"I missed this too," I said resting my cheek on the crown of her head.

"Soon the cast will come off," she said.

"I hope so. I wanna get back on the field," I complained.

"You know you can't play contact sports for a year," she said rolling her eyes.

"That won't stop me," I said.

"That won't, but I will," she said as she weaved our fingers together. 

She fell asleep soon enough and I lay there thinking about everything that had happened in the past six months. Especially the surprise involvement of my long absent father. He liked to think he was the world's best father. Maybe his mug fed him that lie. He had never been there. Not since I was born. He didn't go with my mother to the hospital or so I've heard from all the phone conversations my mother's had with her oldest sister, Michelle. 

She had to work her ass off to get us a cheap apartment, when my father declined her. I spent my first years up until I was around 5 with just my mother. I had no father. My mother was both for me. Then Samantha came along. At that point my parents had supposedly "made up". Even though I was young I wasn't stupid. Everything was alright until Sammie was 2 and I was 7 years old. The fighting began again. It was a constant pattern. For the smallest things.

Most of the time for no reason at all. They would scream and yell at each other from across the room. He would leave, and then come back a week later, begging for forgiveness, a forgiveness he didn't deserve, but my mother gave him anyway. He bribed her with this home, a home she could probably afford herself with her interior decorators job. Only the thought of him being in the house with her won her over. All the fighting died down for awhile, then like usual it started again. This time I was 10 and Sammie was 8 almost 9 years old. My mother discovered he was having a secret affair with his secretary. That was the first time I saw them get physical with each other. He pushed her, and she struck back. He wasn't just going to stand there, so he struck back. I hid Sammie and myself in the downstairs guest bedroom. The same bedroom I had chased Holly in so many nights ago. Either way you guys still hear all the damage being caused you could hear fists flying and things being thrown. 

My mother ended up with several bruises and my father with a cut and bruised lip. Even after that, she hadn't left him. He promised it wouldn't happen again, both the affair and the violence. She may have forgiven, but I haven't. And everyday I'm more like him. Each day I act more like him. Every day I do the things he did to my mother to Holly. I would never hurt her of course, but I do the majority of what he did to her. I know she may not admit it, but I know I scare her. I look at her angelic figure sleeping, and I sicken myself. How am I able to do the majority of what my father did to my mother? How can Holly forgive me like my mother forgave my father? Is this history repeating itself? Were we going to end up like my parents? 

I hoped not. I loved Holly, I didn't want her to suffer, yet I made her hurt inside. Every little mistake costs her another slash to her heart. Yet, every time she forgives me, and we continue to go on with what we have. I still don't fully understand how my father and I are forgivable, but I'm glad that at least Holly can forgive me. I'd never claim to be a saint, and maybe that's why Holly continues to love me, because I don't pretend to be something I'm not. Without her I'd be nothing. Now nothing mattered more than she was here with me, and our slates were somewhat clean. I knew when she chose to love me; she chose to love in a shade of wrong. But I knew that for me and I knew that for her too, this was all worth it. Love was a merciless game. 

And with Holly's love in my heart, I fell asleep with my girl, my love.

 

(All rights reserved to The Icarus Account's Favorite Girl. Thanks so much for supporting this story and myself, because every positive comment empowers me to continue! Thanks so much guys. Love you all! Xxxx)

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