One Way or Another

Jenkins Ocean is nothing but a trouble maker after her parent's death. She's at an orphanage since she's not 18 yet. Her dad's all-time best friend since high school -Simon- decides that he's interfering.

Taken in by Simon Cowell, she meets what seemed at first the pain in the ass called One Direction. They all seemed nice to her, everyone but bad boy Zayn, though Zayn's not really fond of her either.


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44. Love is complicated and the end

JEN’S POV

The tears were rolling out of my eyes as I yelled to Zayn. How could he have hidden my letter from college? And how had he found out? Wasn’t he supposed to be happy for me? “You are just so selfish! You don’t let me live my life.”

“I want to be with you, I want to make you happy. How is that selfish?” He yelled back, but his reasoning wouldn’t sound right to me.

“If you want me to be happy why won’t you let me go to college?”

“You can go to college here! You can make your life here. With us, your friends and family.” His face was red, full of anger and I was frankly afraid, but I was not going to let the fear overcome me and not let me fight for everything that I have at home.

“I already have a life in Glasgow! I made friends and I have Uncle Simon there. Glasgow is now my home.” Both of us were really mad and the other boys had already left the living room and gone all to their rooms. “It has become my home.”

“London can be your home.”

“I already have a home. I struggled to make me feel like home and when I do, you just want to get me away from it. I already lost my previous home and you know how it happened. I made a home for myself and I am going back to it and to the life I made.”

“Then you don’t care about me? I was just your little distraction?” He questioned me. I was sure he was going to throw something. How could he say that he was my little distraction? I loved him, but it seemed like I had to give up everything I had made for myself to have the guy I want.

“I love you, Zayn, you were never a distraction. I hated you at first, but then I loved you. But if loving you means leaving everything I did for myself, then I guess I don’t love you enough. I can’t just throw away everything just because you want me to.”

“It’s not because I say so. Things might not work out.”

“Then you’re not willing to try? I thought you loved me.” I said and he looked bad. Maybe he hadn’t loved me at all. Maybe he was pretending. I was beginning to think so, since I came all the way here and we hadn’t spent one second together. “I guess not. My bad.” I said as I ran into my room and grabbed my –thank God– previously packed suitcase and my bag. I knocked on Harry’s door and as soon as he opened with my cat on his arms, I took it and hugged him goodbye. I didn’t say another word but thank you, because he had been the one with me during this trip. I noticed the boys had gone back into the living room, so I walked back into it and hugged and thanked everyone. I walked to the door and before I crossed the door, I looked at Zayn. “Thanks for the memories. They were real to me.” And then I was out of the door trying to stop a cab.

Some hours later, I was at home and I felt as miserable as I could be. He had lied to me. He hadn’t accepted it, but he hadn’t denied it either. I was going to be mature about it and just forget about it. I had said everything I had to say.

I walked into my room and changed into some sweats. I opened the curtains and lay on my bed, crying my heart out about the guy who had just played with me. I was going to be fine without him, just like I had been during this past month. I didn’t need him. I repeated those sentences in my head as I cried myself to sleep.

 

ZAYN’S POV

Guilt wouldn’t let me sleep. It had been two days since Jen had found the letter and left me all heartbroken. I would pretend everything was alright and wear shades to hide my puffy and red eyes. I should have said something. I should have said something to stop her. I should have gone after her. But I had let her go just like that. I had thought to give her some space, but Uncle Si had called. He didn’t want me anywhere near her and it was just burning my insides.

It was another sleepless night full of regret. I should have said something. I took a pen and a sheet of paper and started writing to her again.

 

Dear Jen,

I know you hate me and right at this moment, I hate myself too. I should have never let you go and I know you don’t want to see me. I wouldn’t want to see myself if I was in your place. It might be stupid, but I felt like I had to say something and this is the only way I know to apologize, because what I did –or did not do– was just frankly stupid. And I hate myself for that.

I cannot sleep at night, I have to fake during the day and I cry myself to sleep over all the mistakes I did with you and to you. I really I’m sorry for hurting you, because you don’t deserve to be hurt. Not because of what you’ve been through, because I know how strong you really are, but because of the great person you are. You made me change completely into a good way. I was a good boy, but the bad boy came back and made me hurt you more than it is possible. And I am terribly sorry. I need to make it up, but I really don’t know how to do it. Please, Jen, forgive me. Let me fix things.

I know it’s complicated, because I messed everything up, but there has to be something I can do to make things up for everyone.

I miss you. I miss us. I miss me. I miss being happy and I miss being like that with you. I wish I would have done things right. This is all should have, could have, miss and forgive, but it’s so much more complicated. Love is complicated. It just always is and there doesn’t seem to be a way for me not to screw it up all the time. I really am sorry; I never wanted to hurt you.

I would write ‘PS I love you’ but I don’t want to be that cliché. So, I’ll just say that our love was good as gold, but the gold rush had an end. Please remember I love you.

Yours truly,

Zayn Malik, AKA Fruit loop.

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