A Comedy of Nothing

When three year 11 students try and sit the compulsory General Assessment Task for their final year of school subjects, things start to go terribly wrong.
They are mistaken for murderers.


2. Chapter Two: We run away from the good guys - does that make us the bad guys?


E: Could you please stop making the chapters so long!?

V: Sorry. I'll just get started. Where were we? Trapped inside a cell with no way of escape. And yet we did.

Mandy: Yes. My question is how.

V: Would you believe me if I said we asked to leave?

Mandy: Did it work?

V: Yes.

Mandy: Then I believe you about as much as I believe this whole story.

V: Good! Well, Lizzie got the idea. She spoke to the new guard at our door. The guard was tall, and skinny. And I mean REALLY skinny. He must have been Scandinavian or something, because he had  - like - white hair, icy blue eyes, and the palest skin I have ever seen.

E: He looked awesome. Like death itself.

V: Only alive. His name was Hans.

Mandy: You asked?

V: Yup. He's the oldest of five kids, and just finished V.C.E.

Marion: Such a friendly creature!

V: Well he WAS guarding our cell for twelve hours. I felt obliged to ask him SOMETHIING.

Mandy: As all prisoners do.

V: (sighs). Eventually, Lizzie asked him to let us go. She explained the situation to him. He nodded and said,

‘I will do my best.'

Cards was in shock at this point. He cried, 'You will!'

All of us hushed him, because we didn't need every-one in the building to be on high-alert.

Hans nodded after Cards shut up. 'I will. I know you are not who they think you are.'

'And that is...'

Okay, so it probably wasn't the most polite way I've ever asked a question, but he understood it.

'Geoffrey Stuart, Elizabeth Bisset, and Victoria Hood.'

Lizzie blinked. 'Are you pulling my leg?'

'No. I know they sound crazily similar. But that is why they chose to pick on you. Your names were easily switched for theirs.'

'And your organization doesn't know what the enemy looks like?' I asked incredulously.

'They look like you.' Hans replied.

Okay, I should probably say what we look like...

Mandy: I already know.

V: But it's for the benefit of the reader.

Marion: We may as well let them. The examiners will never accept their excuse anyway.

Mandy: (sighing). Fine. Do what you like.

V: Cards has hair and eyes. Apparently his evil twin does too.

C: Is that all you can say? Let ME describe me.

E: No, because you'll just say you’re incredibly handsome, lie, lie, lie.

Mandy: (looking exhausted). That would fit the theme of this story.

C: No, I'll be honest. Listen. I have curly-ish hair. Is it blonde?

Mandy: You may as well say it's naturally purple at the rate you lot are going.

C: Right. I have blue eyes, and a face. I'm not sure what shape it is.

E: Face shaped.

C: That'll do. I'm... how tall am I?

Mandy: Why not say you're six foot four?

C: Because that would be a lie.

Mandy: (Glares at him as if to say, 'Point proven').

E: I say you're short.

C: I'm taller than you.

E: As if. And if you are, it's only by - like - a millimeter.

C: Fine. I'm short. How's that?

V: You're taller than me.

E: Yeah, everyone thinks you're thirteen.

C: We're all sixteen by the way.

Mandy: Why not say you're...

E: Twenty-three? I already told you, we're not lying.

V: Lizzie, just describe yourself so I can get on with the story.

C: Wait! Do you think I'm muscular?

E: (rolls her eyes). It's MY turn to describe myself. I am taller than VB and Cards, and...

C: Are not.

E: Fine. I am shorter by a millimeter than Cards.

C: I'll let that pass.  

E: I have blue eyes, and brownish hair, and a face-shaped face. Oh, and awesome fashion sense.

C: Lizzie, we promised not to lie.

E: Cards has awesome fashion sense to.

C: That's more like it.

V: And so do I. I have blue eyes, and blonde hair...

E: It's not really blonde....

V: Let me die in peace!

E: But we're not dying... are we?

V: I'm going to ignore that comment.

E: You just acknowledged it.

V: Be quiet! Please! Anyway, I am short. Apparently the only difference between us and our evil twins is the fact that our hair colours are lighter, and our eyes are brown. Don't ask me how a whole organization could forget about that, but they can.

So anyway, Hans said he'd help us escape. At about one o'clock in the afternoon he opened our cell, and let us out.

Mandy: You said he was guarding you for about twelve hours.

V: I was over exaggerating. It was more like three hours and a half.

Hans turned to us and said, 'If anyone asks, we are doing a test.'

'What kind of a test?' Cards asked.

'Just say a top secret test.' Hans replied.

The building must have had the worst security ever, because we got out without being seen. I mean, the security cameras might have seen something, but we weren't stopped or anything, so it doesn't really count.

Soon we were outside. We've been told that we can't say exactly where we were, for security reasons. Let me just say, they have bigger problems inside their building with security than outside. Anyway.

After a short walk, we reached the freeway. As we watched the cars whizzing by and considered hitch hiking, we saw one man pull over. He fainted a few seconds after the car stopped. Lizzie said she knew first aid, and seemed to think the man was having a stroke.

'Well, we'd better do something quickly,' Cards said, 'Because we've got an army after us.'

Turning around, we saw a ton of soldiers were headed our way - note the massive exaggeration. So we ran to the car, and shifted the man to the back. Lizzie and I just managed to get into the car before Cards took off.

'Hey!' Both Lizzie and I were screaming, 'How come you get to drive!?'

'Because I'm the oldest!' Cards screamed back.

We quickly did the maths in our head. It was true. We sulked in the backseat.

'I need directions!' Cards screamed after a while.

I jumped over to the front seat. 'Get on the right side of the road.'

'There's a wall in the middle!'

'There's a hole there.'

 Cards did a crazy U-turn, followed by a crazy 180 turn, and soon we were headed the right direction AND on the right side of the road.

Lizzie wasn't helping. 'Um... we have Lamborghinis chasing us.'

Cards wasn't too happy about this. 'Stupid Volvo!' He screamed at the car. 'Right now I'd rather you were super-fast and not super safe!'

'Safety is important, Cards.' Lizzie objected.

'Right now, the faster we get away from them, the safer we'll be!' Cards shot back.

Lizzie nodded. 'Touché.'

Cards drove well, but he seemed to be highly strung. It could have had something to do with the energetic song, 'Dynamite' by Taio Cruz blasting from the radio.

'Turn it off.' He said in a super quick flurry of words.

I did so and smiled. 'Never driven with the radio on, huh?'

'Never driven at 130 with cars after me, a dying guy in the back, and two girls screaming at me before either.'

I think Lizzie and I laughed.

'Well don't kill us.' I replied.

'I'm trying not to.' Cards said in between gritted teeth.

It was actually a pretty pleasant drive for about half an hour. Then I said - very calmly - 'You need to take the next exit.'

Apparently the exit was closer than I thought, because Cards had to go up the exit ramp way too fast.

'Who taught you how to drive!?' Lizzie screamed at him as he turned the corner at 90 kilometers per hour.

'My dad!' Cards replied.

'Oh.' Lizzie replied. 'You're really fantastic.'

'But you might want to slow down.' I added, as we entered at forty zone.

Cards slowed down to eighty.

'There better not be speed cameras around here.' Lizzie muttered.

Cards brought our attention to a serious matter. 'So where are we going?'

'The hospital!' Lizzie and I cried.

'Yeah,' Cards, said, madly changing lanes, 'But then we'll be super late for our parents and they'll freak out. And we've nearly lost them too.'

'Our parents?'

Cards rolled his eyes at Lizzie. 'Our kidnappers.'

'Yeah, I thought so.'

I interrupted them. 'But we HAVE to go to the hospital! Lizzie says he's having a stroke!'

The man suddenly snored. Lizzie paled.

'Actually,' She said, 'I think he's asleep.'

Cards smiled. 'Problem solved. We're taking him straight to school.'

'I'm sure he'll be pleased.' I added.

After a little while longer, Cards actually bothered to slow down to the speed limit. We reached school easily.

The man woke up just us we put him back in the driver’s seat. Cards buckled him, and jumped when he said,

'What are you doing?'

Cards wasn't sure what to say. Lizzie helped him.

'Thanks for the ride!' She called.

Then we turned and ran like mad.

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