A Comedy of Nothing

When three year 11 students try and sit the compulsory General Assessment Task for their final year of school subjects, things start to go terribly wrong.
They are mistaken for murderers.


5. Chapter Five: We try to convince a colour blind man that we have blue eyes and light hair.


V: Sorry, Cards, but it just seemed like there should be another chapter.

C: That's fine with me. Will you tell it?

V: (taken back). Oh, alright. So Cards' dad picked us up at the end of the road.

Mandy: I'm sorry; can I just ask something that's really been bothering me about this story?

V: Yes, of course.

Mandy: Are you trying to tell me your parents weren't onto anything?

V: (shaking her head). No. Lizzie's and mine were onto something. They sensed it was serious. We haven't had time to explain everything to them yet. And Cards' dad was onto something too. But he just thought it was crazy teen fun and let us get on with it. He probably thought we were pulling some major prank on some poor student.

Mandy: Out in Leongatha?

E: She said major prank.

Cards: Oh, I got a text. (Pause). It's from dad. (Laughs). It says, ‘how did your prank go?’.

The girls smiled. The teachers were shocked.

Marion: Their story is well planned, that's for sure!

V: Will I continue?

Mandy: Of course. Sorry.

V: It's okay. The readers were probably wondering too.

The teachers sighed here.

V: The trip to Leongatha was average.

Mandy: Did you play cards?

V: (smiling) Good guess.

Cards' dad was a little distracted by our craziness, but he didn't crash the car, so it was alright. We only stopped once, and that was to get petrol. For the car. Not for us.

Mandy: Thanks for clearing that one up.

V: (laughs) Anyway, when we reached Leongatha, it was nearly dark. Fortunately, the school wasn't closed yet. We walked right up to the guy at reception and asked him if we could see.... THEM.

He thought we were joking.

'Very funny, you lot. Get lost.'

I sighed. 'Sir', I continued, 'We have blue eyes. See?'

The man squinted. 'They look green. Same as always.'

Our faces fell.

'Are you colour blind?' Lizzie asked.

'So I've been told.' The man grunted.

Cards' dad probably couldn't have been more confused. 'Well, assuming they had blue eyes, where would they find...'

Can't be bothered to say their names again.

'In music class.' The man replied. 'Room 18B.'

We thanked the man and went to find the room. We found it easily enough. Walking into the class, every-one looked up. Their reactions were priceless.

First, it was recognition. As if to say, 'Hey, buddy!'

Then it was shock. As if to say, 'Aren't I sitting right next to you?'

Then it was fear. As if to say,

'How is this possible?'

The poor girl looked about to faint.

Geoffrey smiled. He looked exactly like Cards, only his hair was black and his eyes were brown. Just like Cards, only evil.

C: For the record, he did NOT look exactly like me. (Grumbling) He was better looking.

E: For once I agree with you.

C: And he dressed differently.

E: Ah, no he didn't. Jeans and a shirt. Like you.

C: But it was all black! He looked evil as! Blue is my theme. Black was his.

V: Yes, Cards, you're right. He wore black jeans and a black shirt. SO.

Geoffrey smiled, and stood up. Elizabeth and Victoria did the same, obviously copying their unofficial, or maybe even official, leader.

Elizabeth looked just like Lizzie, only she had dark red hair and brown eyes. Victoria looked just like me, only she had dark hair and brown eyes.

C: She looked like a Goth.

E: She looked like an emo. That is this generation's equivalent of a Goth, okay? Goths are so 200 BC.

C: Really?

E: The date? I dunno!

V: Thank you for qualifying that. Now. Geoffrey spoke first, to a very discomforted class room.

'We have some serious stuff to talk about,' He said, jumping over a few tables. Turning to his friends, he nodded his head towards us. 'Come on, girls.'

The girls followed. Elizabeth was trying to walk like a super evil-spy while glaring at us evilly. She crashed into a table and fell head over heels. As soon as she hit the floor she rolled back up to her feet. Lizzie gulped.

'Even when she falls over she looks cool.'

Geoffrey led us onto the oval outside, and looked us up and down a few times. Smiling, he said. 'You lot really were the perfect fit. Would it have worked the other way round? Nope. It's hard for a brunette to go blonde. It's hard to make brown eyes blue. But blonde hair black and blue eyes brown? That's believable. No wonder they arrested you on sight.'

That comment confused me. It was pretty hard to follow. If I were you, I wouldn’t bother. Lizzie didn’t.

'Wait,' Lizzie said instead. She seemed to be distracted. 'You guys are serial killers, right?'

Elizabeth stepped forward. 'Do we look like serial killers?'


Victoria grinned - as much as she could without actually smiling.

'First up,' Geoffrey took charge, 'Where'd the adult go?'

I wondered how he knew about him.

'He's waiting in the car.' Cards replied.

Geoffrey nodded, and looked over at Victoria. She walked off.

'Wait,' Cards said, beginning to panic, 'What are you doing?'

Geoffrey smiled. He had an okay smile for an evil guy. FOR AN EVIL GUY. Emphasize that part please, Mr. Personality.

[Fine. That can be my secret identity].

E: I hate to think what he's writing over there.

V: Don't interrupt now; I just got to the climax!

E: It is? Oh yeah, it is!

C: Just keep going.

V: Okay. Geoffrey spoke again.

'Before I get down to business, let me tell you our names. Our nick-names. Our names are just too long. Victoria's Coke. She's the best smuggler you'll ever meet.'

I gulped. 'I feel... honoured?'

Geoffrey ignored me. 'Elizabeth's Sassy. Short for assassin. She can kill you fifty different ways just with her feet.'

Lizzie gulped. 'That's talented of her.'

Cards still felt brave enough to tell a joke. 'She can go on Australia's Got Talent.'

Geoffrey frowned. 'I think we'd be arrested before she got to three.'

Cards nodded. 'Good point.'

Geoffrey continued. 'And I'm Speed.' He grinned as he said his name. That was a cool nickname. He knew that. 'I can get you anywhere you want to go in half the time it's supposed to take you.'

'But you don't have a license.' Cards said, a little stupidly.

Speed laughed. It was amazingly similar to Cards'. 'You think I care?!'

I raised an eyebrow suspiciously. 'Who are you?'

'Um...' Lizzie elbowed me, 'I think he just told us.'

Speed seemed impressed. 'No, she's right. You've learnt our names. You don't really know who we are.' He turned to Sassy. 'Wanna explain?'

Sassy nodded, and began. 'We broke out of jail last year. We looked up our names on the internet and found an almost perfect match - you. We looked you up on Facebook and saw we looked almost exactly the same.'

'You saw me on Facebook and you didn't friend me!?' Cards cried.

Sassy raised an eyebrow and ignored him. 'We underwent some minor plastic surgery; until we looked so much like you it was scary. Then we did some minor stalking. I hung around Lizzie's area. Coke hung around VB's. And Speed hung around Cards'. We learnt your ways, how to act. When you die, we intend to take your place.'

Cards rolled his eyes. 'Yeah, like our parents won't be onto that.'

Speed seemed very confident. 'Even if they know everything, they'll have to co-operate. Watch and learn how easily people can be controlled.'

At this point, Coke came back. 'Done.' Was all she said.

I was worried. 'What are you doing? Why are you trying to take our place?'

Speed's face softened. 'We're sentenced to death by five different countries. Some of the crimes we've committed have been deliberate. Others have been accidents.'

'Like that chemistry accident.' Sassy reminded Speed.

'Shut up!' Speed shot back. 'I told you that's the one topic you could never talk about!' He sighed, regaining his cool composure. That's cool as in careless and cold. Not awesome. 'We want to start over, live a normal life. We're filthy rich, and we've learned the hard way that crime doesn't lead anywhere. We'd like a shot at normal life. To get it, we just have to get rid of you lot.'

'Why couldn't you just force our parents to say we're twins?' Lizzie blurted out.

Speed seemed disappointed. 'Unfortunately that is not a possibility. We had to steal a car recently, and SOMEONE was seen.'

Coke frowned, but she said nothing.

'They described us to the police. If the government believes they killed us, they'll let a look alike pass. But two lookalikes? Never.'

There was a long pause.

'So here are your options.' Speed said. His eyes seemed sad, but his body language seemed to say the opposite.

E: Yeah. They were totally messed up.

Mandy: (In suspense) WERE? Did they die?

C: (smiling - a little unsure of whether or not he'll get away with this statement) Listen and you'll find out.

V: Speed listed our options. 'One: You turn yourself into the government. Don't actually walk right up to them, but make sure you get caught.'

'But they'll kill us.' Lizzie objected.

'I think that was the point.' I whispered to her.

Speed continued. 'Two: We kill you and put you somewhere the organization can find you. It'll look like you committed suicide, or got hit by a car or something.'

We gulped.

'And three: You run like mad in the opposite direction.'

I was liking this option.

'And watch your family suffer.'

I gulped. Lizzie spoke. 'Running away to Uruguay isn't an option?'

Speed shook his head. 'They'd catch you as you left the country. I gave you your options. Take your pick.'

We thought them over.

'Keep in mind,' Speed said, 'that if you choose option one, the organization will kill you humanely. If you choose option two or three, we will eventually kill you. And the chances are, it won't be nice. Also, if you choose options one or two, your parents will just have to suffer thinking their children turned emo. If you choose option three, they'll suffer knowing their children were murdered.'

It was too much. None of us knew what to say.

'I don't believe you.' Cards said at length.

Honestly, that was a REALLY stupid thing for him to say.

Speed smiled. 'Come with me.'

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