The Coffee Girl

They couldn't have asked for a more down-to-earth, hard working and quiet girl that minds her own business and keeps her mouth shut. She's quite remarkable. She'd be the best employee anyone could ask for.

If all the above was true, of course.

The only remarkable thing about Florin Owens is the fact that she managed to blag her way through school, college and now into a job that she has no qualifications for at all. She may have used her feminine charms to her advantage to gain her not-so-brilliant position in life, but then again, she doesn't have much else going for her.

Unless sleeping like she's been in a coma her whole life, having the memory span of a goldfish with dementia, being able to concentrate for a matter of seconds and having a body that under no circumstances does she ever have control over is something employers look for nowadays.

A story of bust-ups, sipping one too many beers and a girl who's mind and mouth sees no bounds.

Florin Owens/a bit of everyone else


1. Coffee Bitch


My name’s Florin, I’m 19 and some say I work for One Direction.


But those people need to come back down to reality and understand that it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. In all honesty I feel like I’m far from working for them. Because, well I kinda am.

I’m an intern.

One of two interns that works for the assistant to the woman that is One Direction’s stylist. So for me to actually have anything remotely to do with dressing the band, 2 other people would have to call in sick before I could ‘mount the throne’ so to speak.

I don’t even want to be a stylist. Every goddamned day when I fall out of the tour bus bunk bed I ask myself the same question, ‘why the hell am I even here’. So to be honest I don’t even know why I work so fucking hard. If you can class making coffees all day and every day as hard work, because we all know that being an intern is just the posh title for being everyone’s coffee bitch.

But I have to remind myself that without the slavery I put myself through, I’ll have no money. Without money there will be no college, and without college I’ll never work out what it is I want to do with my pathetic excuse of a life. That means that within the 3 months I’ve been on tour doing nothing, I’ve packed my bags a total of 28 times with the intention of leaving, but then unpacked it every single time, because I can see my life being flushed down the toilet.

And you know what the worst part of it is?

I don’t even like One Direction.

Shocker, I know.

I couldn’t even put their names to faces until I came up against endless hours of screaming fans with posters. They practically haunt my dreams. Call the doctor, I’m going insane.

But I don’t really hate them either, it’s just the pictures of their faces don’t nearly do as much for me as they do for their fans, maybe it’s because I haven’t been brainwashed by the powers of air brush because no way can anyone be that…perfect. Nobody’s perfect. Their music is just awful too. In my opinion they just seem like a group of airhead teenagers who are just living off their fame. But who knows, they could be relatively decent guys under their arrogant and cocky personas they have going on.

But I wouldn’t know that.

Because my job sucks.

My daily phone calls to my friends back home in Essex consist of me complaining until the early hours of the morning and then them trying to weigh out my arguments. They always say how ‘touring must be fun’, ‘travelling all over the country is something they’ve always wanted to do’, and the most popular statement ‘but One Direction are HOT’.

Queue the groans.

So after one particularly rough day in Glasgow which included a total of 63 coffee runs, 17 buttons that had to be sewn back onto shirts and 5 sets of 4 outfits that had to be ironed and hung up before and after a show, I was on the phone to Addison

“I am so done here.” She laughs down the phone

“Hello to you too Florin”

“Yeah yeah whatever, I need you to come out and get me.”

“We both know that you’re not leaving and I’m not coming all the way out to frickin’ Scotland. Now calm down and be rational for once in your life.”

“RATIONAL?! It’s just not fair!” I cried, throwing myself face first on to my bed.

“What isn’t? The fact that you get to travel the world with the world’s biggest boy band, the fact that you get paid to do it, the fact that you don’t have to pay any bills, or the fact that you’re job consists of shopping. Flo from where I’m standing you got it good.”

“Yeah okay I get your point. I don’t have to do any real manual labour. But I’m lonely Ad, I’m lonely, I’m bored and to be quite frank with you, I could do with a drunken one night stand back in Essex okay?”

“Now we both know that you’ve gotten way mo-”

“I get the picture.” I grumble, along with a few more incoherent words that need not be repeated.

“Just go to sleep Flo, I’ll talk to you in the morning. Stop being so irrational I’ll try and come see you soon.”

“Sure thing Addy. Thanks for the help” I grunt, before hanging up. It would be just my luck that I’m out here with the opportunity of a lifetime yet hate every second of it. Well, maybe not every second, just the early mornings and late nights.

What can I say; a girl’s gotta get her sleep.

There are only two real upsides to being on this tour, if we’re not counting the aforementioned money situation.

1) The limitless credit card I’m given to buy clothes, money and make up. I mean, technically yes the money is meant for One Direction’s closets and cupboards but it would look like a shamble if their stylists’ intern looked like a tramp wouldn’t it? That would just be shameful.

2) Damien. The other intern that shares the life I lead, the only reason I still have a slither of mentality left, and my best friend. Damien’s the definition of HOT but also after me hitting on him several times, I found out he’s also the definition of very gay. But in a way, I’m glad he is because despite my obvious decline of an intimate nature, I no longer have to worry about keeping it classy and clean on our tour bus. And by that I mean, imagine the mess of a bomb hitting a pile of bras, knickers and shoes, that’s pretty much what the contents of our bus looks like. I can also parade around in nothing but my underwear and get advice on what to wear. What can I say? Damien is my main man.

“Daaaaaaaaamiiieeeen!” I groan from my bed, through to the make shift kitchen that we had been supplied with. I’m not allowed to use it since the second day of tour when I nearly blew up the bus, but that just means that I don’t have to do any of the cooking. Score.

“Yes princess?” Damien answers, popping his head round the corner of the open closet door.

“I love you Day” I sigh, giving him my best angelic smile I can muster up.

“I, err, love you too Lori”

“No, like I really love you Damien, you’re the best. I couldn’t have asked for a better person to be sharing this tour with and you are incredibly, incredibly sexy and your abs are just like wo-”

“Just tell me what you want in your sandwich Florin.”

“Peanut butter and ham please baby” I grin, skipping passed him to the sofa, not forgetting to pat his perfectly shaped bottom on the way through.

“Peanut butter and ham? It’s like you’re asking for food poisoning.” He chuckles, but starts to spread the peanut butter over the bread anyway.

“Maybe then I’ll be able to skip a few days of Jane screaming at me.” I grumble before sipping at my tea, remembering back to the early hours of the morning when Jane threatened my job because I hadn’t gotten her a decaff coffee. The incarnate of the she-devil herself coincidentally also being the gal in charge of all employees.

“You wouldn’t leave me with that witch would you?!” Damien gasps, clutching his chest as if he was hurt.

“Who is this witch you are referring to?” A monotone voice calls from the now open door, a dark figure dressed in a dull grey suit jacket and skirt, hair neatly pinned back and red lipstick smeared across her bleached teeth.

“Holy shit Jane you gave me a heart attack! Oh and we were…err…talking about, errrm…well you see we-”

“Oh save it Florin. I like you no more than you like me so there is no point in fooling each other. I just came to tell you that we have the next two days off because Mr Styles has come down with the flu so all interviews and shows have been cancelled.” Of course. When the pretty boy comes down with a mere flu the whole world gets put on hold. “Oh and Florin?”

I nod my head, “Mmm?”

“Don’t do anything wreck less.” And with that, the wicked witch of the west left. Me? Wreck less? Who would think such a thing, I thought to myself as I took a massive bite of my sandwich.

After a few minutes and thinking of what Jane could possibly have meant by me being wreck less, I lick the remainder crumbs off of my lips and face a shirtless Damien. “Y’know, one of these days you’re going to realise that being gay is putting you’re sexy body to waste, and when that day comes I want you to hop straight into my bed okay baby?” I wink

“Sure thing Lori, sure thing. Now on to more important issues, we have two free days. What to do what to do…”

“There’s only one thing fit for this situation.” I reply, a smirk on my face.


Wreck less my arse.

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