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Life's a game, he played it, he got it so wrong. Now it's up too her too clean it up.

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4. Nightmares

Trying to get something out of your head by amusing yourself with other things in a forest is surprisingly hard. I couldn't think of anything to do. My phone has no signal, there is obviously no one here but me. I guess I could look for food. I Start to walk of in a random direction,  it's not the season for berries at the moment here in England, and I know I haven't got the heart or guts to eat something like a rabbit.  I continue walking till I get to a denser part of the forest, I hear my stomach groan with hunger. Oh god why did I do this? Why didn't I stop and think and not be such a coward?  Even if I wanted to go back now- I couldn't. Once J got lost in these woods, I was worried sick- the police found him a mile or so into it. Since then I'd decided never to go in here- so I don't know this place very well.  I've been strolling along for hours and I feel like my feet are stuck to the floor with gum- its a challenge just moving forward. I think it's sensible that I rest. I fall to the floor with a thud. I close my eyes and imagine J coming to save me- his dark black hair jagged and covering one eye, his arms strong - lifting me to my feet and into a loving embrace. But that is impossible. I start to cry.  That night I have a horrid nightmare. I'm stood in the lounge, recalling that one moment were the realisation that he is dead hits me like a wave of grief. It replays in my mind about a million times. I wake up screaming.

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