Life's a game, he played it, he got it so wrong. Now it's up too her too clean it up.


4. Nightmares

Trying to get something out of your head by amusing yourself with other things in a forest is surprisingly hard. I couldn't think of anything to do. My phone has no signal, there is obviously no one here but me. I guess I could look for food. I Start to walk of in a random direction,  it's not the season for berries at the moment here in England, and I know I haven't got the heart or guts to eat something like a rabbit.  I continue walking till I get to a denser part of the forest, I hear my stomach groan with hunger. Oh god why did I do this? Why didn't I stop and think and not be such a coward?  Even if I wanted to go back now- I couldn't. Once J got lost in these woods, I was worried sick- the police found him a mile or so into it. Since then I'd decided never to go in here- so I don't know this place very well.  I've been strolling along for hours and I feel like my feet are stuck to the floor with gum- its a challenge just moving forward. I think it's sensible that I rest. I fall to the floor with a thud. I close my eyes and imagine J coming to save me- his dark black hair jagged and covering one eye, his arms strong - lifting me to my feet and into a loving embrace. But that is impossible. I start to cry.  That night I have a horrid nightmare. I'm stood in the lounge, recalling that one moment were the realisation that he is dead hits me like a wave of grief. It replays in my mind about a million times. I wake up screaming.

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