Every Night I Cry and Die a Little More Inside


1. March 17, 2013


Dear __________,  

Honestly, I hold in a lot. When I'm upset, I really don't like to tell anyone. No matter how much anyone asks, the answer will always be "I'm fine." Even if it's not true. But the thing is no one even asks if I'm okay. I still can't figure out whether I'm just really good at hiding all the pain and sadness or people just don't care at all. And if they do ask what's wrong, I find that none of them really wants to know. And some just judge me. You'd be surprised on how much I keep inside.  

I guess that's why I became so distant, because sometimes it's better to keep it all inside, where the only person that could judge is myself. Also probably because when I run to other people for help, I feel like I'm bothering them and I think that they secretly hate me. I am so very broken and no one cares to notice. Every night I cry and die a little more inside.   I come off as strong, but maybe I fell asleep crying. I act like nothing is wrong, but maybe I'm just really good at lying.

I'm not always as confident as I seem. There are many nights and days when all I want is to be hold. Sometimes I don't want to talk about what's bothering me, sometimes I just want a hug. Someone who will let me cry. All I really want is for someone to hug me real tight and tell me "Everything's going to be alright." Nobody sees the pain in my eyes yet believes the smile on my face.   I never realized how lonely I was until I took a step away from the crowd and see that nobody cares enough to notice. It's like my presence is unnecessary to them and in that moment I realized how nobody would really care at all that much if I decide to kill myself.   I feel like I'm not anyone's first choice. Neither their favourite. Even if people tell me I'm important to them or I mean a lot to them, I know  that there's always someone they prefer to be with. Someone they choose over me. And that hurts. A LOT.  

I think that everyone has scars, maybe not on their wrists or their inner thighs or on their legs. But on their heats, souls and between the cracks and crevices of the little universe they have created.   

I am an introvert. That means that when I'm feeling down, chances are that I won't actually go to you for help. You'll have to actually check on me. I don't feel that I should burden others with my problems. But if you come to me, and prove to me that you really do care, I might just trust you enough to let you help...  

When I get upset, I shut down. I feel like I should be crying or screaming or something but I can't because I'm turned off. I go silent and don't talk very much. I just sit there, and think.  

I feel like there is not one person in the world who loves me. I just want to feel important to someone. I don't want it to be like this. I don't want to FEEL like this.   And when I begin to push you away emotionally  you know that I'm getting attached. Please hold on tighter.  

From, __________.


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